Poem...Criticism Welcome!?

Question

If I asked your criticism, to be intelligent,
would your criticism remain relevant?
If to this question, you can't reply,
prove my point, and just defy.
If I made no mention, of smoking while I wrote this,
would you still have noticed?
"No", is the answer you may be fighting,
while you sit, indulged by my writing.

For a reader, now I stray from rhyme.
Poetry is play to me,
I take it all, with a grain of salt.
I am in no schemes, deliberately.
They are playful fields, through which I wander.

Jumping track to track, and back I squander.
To me, my style does not come in pain,
"Inspiration is everywhere", I'll say it plain.

squan·der /ˈskwɒndər/ Pronunciation[skwon-der]
–verb (used with object) 1. to spend or use (money, time, etc.) extravagantly or wastefully (often fol. by away).
2. to scatter.
–noun 3. extravagant or wasteful expenditure.
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[Origin: 1585–95; orig. uncert.]
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/squander
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..As a matter of fact, I know exactly what it means.

It's 2nd usage..which, admittedly, isn't as commonly associated, nowadays...though, "History" would back it up.

I honestly wrote it pretty quickly..
I probably would have made the suggested change, if I spent the time reading it, earlier...
Thanks for your comments.

Actually, I didn't word it quite how I wanted, in places...
...an act of self-censorship.

The way I remember it, is a little different... The part I changed would probably have been noticed, and could have earned some very different responses.

Answer 1

I will prove your point, because I don't think I can verify if my criticism is intelligent, lol. I am truly indulging myself in this writing as, if the other responses indicate, so are quite a few others. I truly believe that you can find inspiration everywhere. Not that you had to, but you have certainly proven that you don't have a shtick, scheme, or general label that anyone can place on you. Bravo.

I also love the playful manner in which this one seems to be written and enjoy the discussion you seem to be having with the reader. It personalizes it and makes the reader feel as if you are directly writing to them (in this case you really are speaking to me, I know). The way you were able to jump between styles effortlessly and without losing the reader deserves applause. Keep up the great work.

Answer 2

I enjoy the playful feel of your writing. Since you said criticism is welcome, I have a couple of comments (next paragraph). I can tell you are writing in almost stream of consciousness (if your stream falls immediately into rhyming, your mind is quicker than mine...), so I give the comments knowing that this is free-flowing work. It's fun, and appreciated.

The rhythm feels off in places; I think that excising words here and there would allow it to roll more smoothly. (Example: "would your criticism remain relevant" is a bit clunky; "would it still be relevant" loses no meaning and reads more smoothly.) I like to read what I write out loud to test the rhythm; there are always places to tighten or adjust. Also, when you use "squander," to quote Indigo Montoya, "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

I'm enjoying your posts today.

Answer 3

I totally love this one too, but I fear my genuine intentions may be infact qned cos of the +ve nature , so i will instead tell u why I find it so intruging
It seems to me a new style of writing uve adopted or perhaps Im just not acquainted to peoms written in such a style.
You directly addres the reader, informing him of the style u shall take-stray from rhyme.
The arrogance is fascinating, how poetry to u is a game, aplay of words u swiftly control, when others speak of pondering on them, like ur panache.
Speaking of diverse inspiration as if poetry written in emotuional frenzy is clogged and beneath you.
how u look at pples critism, permision u give but its details dont make it ur reality.
Ive never read a one from one so sure and confident of their poetic ability.

Answer 4

Likes the rolly polly style. Maybe we’re missing something but it seamed a little hallow. Clearer focus so we say.

Answer 5

decent potential. bravisimo.

cheers!

Answer 6

pretty good..