Are you married to someone that you are afraid to talk to about anything, because of how they react?

Question

I can’t talk to my husband about anything unless it’s convenient for him. No matter how nice I try to approach him, it’s never a good time. He’s either watching the football game, playing the Playstation, on the computer or getting ready to do something else. When I tell him we have to pay a bill by a certain date he’ll hold his head down, roll his eyes, sigh and say “We’re never gonna have any money”. Either that or he’ll lightly throw whatever is in reach (he’s recently started doing that). I guess that’s supposed to scare me or something. Then when I try to talk to him he won’t respond. He’ll sit there like I’m not saying a word. I end up leaving the room in tears because he won’t talk to me. All he thinks about is playing (literally playing with me like a kid), joking around and going out for a night on the town to have fun.

Everything about him screams immature. Bills come first. Then whatever you have left out of that is your saving and play money. He does not have a “business” bone in his body. I am about business and feel that you can’t play if all your bills are out of whack. I would like to be able to save thousands too and go on a nice trip once or twice a year, but reality is we just bought a house and can’t afford that. You have to make sacrifices for what you want in life. He wants to have all the nice things and be able to play. We make decent salaries, but not enough for all that. He has made it perfectly clear that he’s not going to counseling. I went to a few sessions and didn’t care for the counselor I had.

Answer 1

Yes I know how you feel I've been in the same thing with my husband for 11 years and recently I went over the edge and told him I could not live like this any more I got a job out of town and signed a lease on a condo. He however after 7 days of not specking came to me while I was packing and turned his life around he is now willing to communicate and share in the daily house hold chores encluding bill paying. He is now being the father to our child that he should have been all these years. He has decided to sell the house and relocate with me and start our marriage over. It took him seeing I really mean't what I said and that I am able to take care of myself without having to deal with his childish behavior I don't need to be his mother and maid I have a life to. Hardest thing I've ever done but in the long run he really realized he'd have to change to keep the things that meant the most to him.

Answer 2

Your husband needs to face his responsibilities. If you are best at handling the money then you should do it. He may object to that so then you could join a company who pays the bills, in England its called Secure homes. They work out your bills you pay them every week. They pay the bills and a little on top for their trouble. What you have left should be shared between you for worked out for groceries, clothes, holidays etc and fuel for running the cars.

It is very difficult when you first buy a property. It seems to be an never ending life of being hard-up. Try to make a time, even if it's only once a month to go out somewhere, perhaps not too expensive for a complete change.

I have been there where you are and it's so depressing at times. Bur remember, from an old oap nothings last forever and that means being hard-up. We are still poorer than some of (most of) our friends but we manage a holiday abroad and run a small car.

Answer 3

Did you not see any of these signs before you married him? Communication is key to any relationship. If he won't participate then you need to find a way to make him listen. Unplug the computer and the game system and tell him you just need 5 minutes of his time...then tell him that these are all facts of life and you have to take care of bills and such and would like him to be involved since he's part of the marriage. During this initial conversation ask him to pick a day of the week and time for you guys to start having a 15-30 minute talk to discuss business and such. Eventually, it may reach a point where you don't have to stay on a schedule, but that's a good starting point. If he still won't listen i'd seriously suggest counseling as it will only get worse.

Answer 4

Then keep looking for a new counselor until you find the one you like. They are still people, and you won't like all of them.You may meet a lot of them before you find the right one, but you need to find out why you accept being treated this way by him.
I would say if he is not money wise, then you should handle the finances. He doesn't seem to want to be involved in your financial planning (although you would think he would want to be since it affects him too). Just do what you have to do without his input. Figure out your budget, and how much disposable income you have after the bills are paid, and tell him he gets this much every week to spend on toys and that is it. He isn't interested in the finances, so stop trying to make him be. You know what needs to be done, so just do it. Maybe update him periodically if you feel the need, but he doesn't seem to care. You can not change him, only how you deal with him.
If you think counseling is something that may help, then keep looking for the right counselor.

Answer 5

My guess is that you are a conscientious person in a lot of things in life. If this is true, you have to understand that all people are not created equal. Not an excuse, but some peoples motivations are different from ours.

If the bills are stressing him out, you are going to have to shoulder this responsibilty. Tell him that you will handle the finances. Take the stress off of him, his behavioral tendencies are not aimed at this type of work.

He is more emotionally driven perhaps than you. He takes it personally when you keep after him and he seeks to escape from this reallity by playing games. You may be forcing him away. Don't take his inability to do this task personally. Don't feel like you have to do everything, there will be things he excels at and you don't. Relax, take control and do the things you know are best to help you out financially.

When it comes to the things he wants to buy, give him some sort of (i hate to say) allowance? If it's a large purchase, work out a savings plan and tell him he can have it at that time. Don't fight, or argue. See your strengths and focus on them, see his strengths and help him focus on them.

Knowing who you are and who he is can help your relationship grow, and eliminate stress. Google search DISC profiling for more information on behavioral tendencies.

Answer 6

You are right he is an immature person.
How can someone deal with a person like him?
He does not take you serious at all. All he is interested is how to gratify his entertainment needs.
The only responsible thing you can do right now is to take over the financial responsibility of the house and do all the responsible decisions that need to be taken. Do not include him in your decisions till he comes around asking to become part of them and then you can ask him for his commitment to work you together as a couple like you should.

Answer 7

My guy is like that. If it is unpleasant, he doesnt want to hear about it. I started just paying the bills, not telling him whats going on and if and when he wants to know anything, he asks. Of course, he doesnt like what he hears and makes faces etc. Nobody likes to have no fun money. He is being immature in acting out on his frustrations though. My advice is just dont talk to him about things unless he asks.

Answer 8

I, (husband) am a bit like that sometimes, especially if I am busy watching car racing or something. I'm not as bad as he sounds though. Bills have to be paid, my wife cant use computer, I have to do it, but not now, when I'm ready! When she talks to me about business I do tend to half listen.
Be careful of the throwing things though,i don't do that, its a worry!

Answer 9

i've been in that position before. my ex husband always says that he needs space, time for himself like playing on his xbox, staying on the computer all night. i try to understand him but it got worse in the end the reason why he's like that he's having an affair with my sister. we got seperated. it's the most painful experience i've ever felt but as time pass by the wound heals i know it will leave a mark but i think i can handle that. with my experience i could actually advice to do what's best for you, i mean you! he can't do that to you, i think that's a form of emotional abuse and now it's starting to get physical(throwing things at you). be strong, no one has the right to treat you that way esp. your husband. if he thinks he has problems so do you. tell somebody anyone close to you so that there's someone who's aware of your situation, just to be on the safe side. good luck.

Answer 10

There is no way that this is a new problem. It sounds like you're trying to change who he is to make him suit you. I agree you need to find a time to have a serious discussion about your financial future. Make sure that when you have this discussion its about a plan that will make you both happy. You want savings, he wants a night out on occasion. It is totally possible to have both! It might take a little sacrifice on both parts but this is what priorities are about. Remember that his priorities are just as important to him as yours are to you. It sounds like you both just need to get on the same page. If he's a little immature (and it sounds like he is) you knew that going in. Give him time to grow into himself and you might be surprised. You might also look at his family background to see where all of this started. Maybe he's just never had to work for things? Maybe his parents did everything for him? It sounds like he needs to grow up a little and you need to lighten up a little. Welcome to marriage. We are drawn to partners that can teach us exactly what we need to learn. It just takes recognizing what that is to accomplish it. Good luck :)