Cheating -- How to get the Truth?

Question

Hey All,

I Had a conversation with my wife about metting a Co-Worker after Work for a Drink at a local Restaurant/Bar. She works 4pm till Midnight so I assumed she would come home around 1:30-2am because that is when it closed down. I was fine with this because i met the guy and he seamed cool. Well the night of she in at 4am and told me she lost track of time and it was a mistake. 4 days later i found out through her because we got into an argument about something that she mutually went back to his house because he was still upset about breaking up with his girlfriend now she swears "nothing happened" and she has never given me a dilema like this before.....So my ? is How do you find out and believe the truth and move past it? and She still wants to go out to the bar with these guys after work but we made a small schedule such as she will have one drink and come home or will call if she is running behind stuff like that .....Does it work? Any Real Advice is appreciated

TY Hall

TY all for your imput....We talked last night and agreed that she could go to the bar/restaurant after work as long as she was home after one drink and checked in with me if she is gonna be a later than 1 or 1:30 am (she gets off work at 12 midnight )

Also the night we got into the fight ( I lost my temper ) she went to a local motel -- Where she said she watched T.V. Took a shower and watched a movie...She called me fairly early the next morning and told me she was at home letting the dog out ( which was true because my roommate verified it )

So How do i help to make this better...I dont want to not let her have a social life but i really do want to becareful

In response to one person's questions yes I could go out with them most of the time but because i work early in the morning it is usually not a an option for me....Not to mention when it is an A and B conversation you cant have a C person there but i almost want to Demand i be there so i am not so paranoid

Answer 1

maintain open lines of communication and ask that she respect your marriage enough to be honest and act in a trustworthy manner. then step back and let it alone. nothing you do or insist upon will make her stay faithful. if she wants to cheat, she will cheat regardless of anything you do. so don't beat your self up over whether or not you can prevent it.

while going to a bar with a friend isn't automatic proof of cheating, lying about going to guys' houses in the middle of the night doesn't exactly fall in that trustworthy catagory, esp if he was wanting consolation over breaking up with a gf. (he may be looking to get her to cheat, even if she doesn't realize it.) whether or not anything happened is something that only she and he know. if she does nothing else that seems odd or is a red flag going up, then i'd say to act as if you trust her and get past it. if she's doing other things that make you question her sincerity and faithfulness, then be on your guard - you need to look out for your own best interests and decide what to do about your marriage at that point.

Answer 2

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be reason enough to stop the outings. And why lie about where you were if you believed there was nothing wrong with it and why go there if you know it is going to upset your spouse. Now you will always be wondering if she is really where she says she is.
I see the bigger problem being why would she jeopardize your relationship for her relationship(whatever she claims it to be) with this co-worker.
Married individuals have no business going to the bar or homes of the other sex without there significant other, absolutely nothing good will come of it.....If you sit in the barber shop long enough you're going to get a hair cut! If he was that upset and she only wanted to be his friend, why not bring him to her home?
I think she needs to decide which of these relationships is more important to her. I doubt that your schedule is going to work because the lie has already been told. Are you really going to trust that she is at the bar and not at a co-workers house helping him pick up the pieces?
Telling her that you do not trust her to tell you the truth and be where she says she is going to be are the consequences of lying about it in the first place.

Answer 3

My husband would have come looking for me long before 4 am! It is not that he is overbearing, it just that he would have been concerned I was in an accident or something. All you can do is believe her, but I would keep an eye open for other signs. Your wife should not have created this situation. She was wrong for going home with this guy. Friends have been known to hook up, especially if drinking was involved. There is no way to prove or disprove what she said happened. Either you trust her or you don't, there usually isn't much in between. Your wife did you wrong, she put another man before her husband. Pay attention to her future actions, although past behavior is often the best predictor of future behavior.

Answer 4

Any time a man and a woman work together, or “hang out” there is a potential for something to happen. Not necessarily that they will do anything, but that something could happen. (Someone sees them together and think they are a couple, a miss understanding from a spouse or boyfriend… ect.) When people are at work or out with friends, they are on their best behavior. So, you are seeing the best of these people, and can be confusing because you don’t see how they really are, for the most part. (This is why the grass seems to be greener on the other side)

That can very easily, lead into something that a person isn’t intending to happen, because they see someone who seems to be perfect.

So, from what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like anything is happening, but it could change very quickly. Personally, I don’t go “hang out” with any of my peers unless I take my wife. And same with my wife, she always asks me to go. Not that I am worried something will happen, I just like being with my wife.

Answer 5

I have done this... I was talking to a (guy) friend from work and he had just broke up with his wife He was in no shape to drive home so I drove him and then once there he just talked and talked...my hubby wasn't happy when he woke up and found me not home (of course my cell died and I didn't think to call home) So when i finally made it home he was pissed but then I explained it to him and he confirmed stories with the guy and now he trusts me completely besides calling her every half hour on the hour you have to trust her... I think it is smart that you put that plan into effect she calls you when plans change.

I know working nights I always use to go out with the guys to get a drink afterwards sometimes you need a drink to wind down!

And the most important thing is respect if she respects your wishes and follows the plan then she is a smart woman and only wants you to trust her.

Answer 6

that is a real dilemma. i can only tell you what i would do if i were you. i would probably try the same thing as you are. however, i think i'd realize that i just couldn't take that. i'd be worried and eventually consumed by the thought that she could be doing anything with some other guy.

i would ask her, in a civil, controlled and honest manner to please reconsider going out with him. i'd tell her how i felt, uncomfortable and even a bit jealous. i'd let her know that i did trust her, but still felt insecure about the situation.

2 things could happen. either she will understand how you feel and agree not to go, or invite you to come along. or she will do what she wants regardless of your feelings. if she does the latter i don't think i could stay with someone who had no concern for my own feelings.

Answer 7

"Nothing Happened" I've heard that before. After she lies to your face and swears to God that "nothing happened" you will find out that it did in fact happen. The lies will go on forever, you will lose weight and become sick, maybe even a nervous breakdown. The bright spot is that if she is willing to work things out and tell the truth it will probably only be 20 years or so before the trust will return. My friend, your world just got totally ruined because your Wife is selfish and needed "something just for her" Isn't that sweet? I hope you don't have kids because she just screwed them up too. I think you all ready know she has slept with Mr. cool, now it's just the rest of your life that you get to think about it. Don't forget to thank her for looking out for herself, God forbid that her pleasures don't come before everyone Else's well being.
Good Luck

Answer 8

you may never get the truth, the whole truth anyway, youcan tell her that you wont trust her in the way you once did to get a answer. no married woman needs to go to another mans home. if youre going to allow her to go out, i would have her home at a certian time, not after 4 in the morning. question for you is, what does your gut tell you? i too, went through the very same thing and it wasnt good for me. i foundt out about these so called innocent meetings only to find out my worst fears. if i was you. i wouldnt tolerate it. nip this thing in the bud now before something does happen. soon enough her "running behind" will become a nightmare fo you.

Answer 9

Lets face it you don't "suspect" she cheated - you "know" she cheated. She went back to his place to "console" him until 4am? I found out the hard way that women cheat just as much if not more than men.

My wife would stay up late talking with a border we had in our house. She would go in his room with the door open so I could see nothing was going on. She was having fun talking and wanted to stay up late after I went to bed just talkin BS. The guy had a friend that came over and they all would be talkin until late at night. So I am like hey thats a chaperone so no problem. Until I got up at 3am to find out why she had not come to bed and walked in on her doing both guys.

Sorry it has happened to you but if she had been coming home at 1:30 am she probably had been f,n this guy before. Do not ever trust her after this! I tried to trust mine after the border was kicked out and turns out she just went over to his new place to continue cheating. She would feed me lies on where she had been.

Answer 10

If u havent seen anything with ur OWN EYES then let it go

dont look for clues or proofs or else you'll be a sick spying husband

believe what she tells u and forget about those doubts .. if a woman cheats on her man ..the man can find out in a short period of time .. us women cant hide stuff .. unlike men who can cheat for years and never get caught

instead of worrying .. work on making ur relationship better and win ur wife's heart and make her miss u and come straight home after a long day to see u

Overall .. her actions are normal .. nothing to worry about