Can this marriage be saved ?

Question

My husband and myself are married for 22 yrs and have one
child 21 yrs old. We always fight, and do not respect each
other love or care about each other. we have no communication
and trust in our mariage. We even had restraining order and
A & B charges and went to the court couple of times.
since we are seperated for 5 months and my husband want
to get together and it happened two years ago and i gave
him a chance to shape up and he wants to get together again.
I do not trust him, do not love him.

what does the reader think. Can this marriage be saved ?
by any means, agreement.
we are from Bombay India and we are brought up one man
for the rest of the life.

Answer 1

Any marriage can be saved, thats a given, but the fact that your tradition is one man for the rest of your life is the part that sets off red flags, of course its easy for others to sit back and tell you to just pack your bags and leave, but I understand people from India and they do frown upon divorce, while Americans dont care, they feel almost no obligation to staying with their spouse and treat divorce like it,s nothing. I also respect you so much for staying in the marriage long enough so your daughter had a intact home, but you are no longer in India anymore so I advise you to think of your happiness and leave, Good Luck

Answer 2

It doesn't sound like you've had a marriage for a long time. For that, I'm sorry. I can understand the moral upbringing of your culture, but, I think while it served a purpose and had valid reasons for previous generations, given the state of the world today and the different issues that we have to deal with that our parents and grandparents didn't, perhaps these ideals don't fit anymore.

Since there is no love or respect, but there is violence, especially on a somewhat regular basis, I don't think it's safe to stay in this relationship. You can try marriage counseling, but without love and respect there to begin with, I just don't see the point anymore. You perhaps should have tried this earlier in the relationship. Now, I think it's too late.

Sorry you are having to go through all this, I hope you come through it all a stronger person.

Answer 3

I don't think it can be saved you answered your own question when you said no respect no trust marriage is more then just to people in a house together ask your self do you feel sick when you know he will be home from work soon is it a relief when he walks out to go to the shops or work and just as we get older we should grow together or we grow apart and i think that is what has happened to you 22years of marriage tells me it was arranged and maybe there is another reason for the distance between you if you don't talk you will never know what went wrong (unless deep down you know were it went wrong) if we try to get the other to talk men in general shut off and refuse I think its over but if your not allowed to divorce then maybe ask family for there support

Answer 4

You don't even need to ask this question. You just answered it yourself. You state that you do not trust him nor love him and on top of that you do not respect one another. Your child is grown and has their own life now. You both need to get one. Being alone the rest of your life and finding some peace would be better I think than all that you state you have been through for 22 years. Talk to him...I am sure he realizes it also, and is staying for the same reason you say you are. Bless you.

Answer 5

You are from Bombay India but facts you mentioned here show that you are living abroad. As far your cordial marital relationship which have turned sour can revived if both of you decide for it, but as I can see the legal proceedings between both of you in the past had only made this relationship bad to worse. As such I never advice any one with such a long marital relationship to break but as I can see you are definitely not at all satisfied with you relationship with this man from all angles. So best for you is to call it off. It’s always good to compromise for either living together or dissolution of marriage as the case may be rather then moving courts for unilateral divorce & all other matrimonial disputes as you have been in the past for restraining order etc. Why don't you both sit together & finally decide what next you both have to do rather moving around in courts for all such issues. Best will be to move the family court for divorce by mutual consent after settling the other issues relating to alimony & properties shared between both of you. Once you both decide for all such issues & get the decree of divorce things will be smooth sailing for you both. At least you need not bother what the society say about such dissolution of marriage, now even in India this is well recognized fact which no one minds especially in big cities & as I stated in the beginning you are already thousands of miles away from India so need not bother about this issue from any point of view.

Answer 6

The very fact you both managed to stay for 22 years suggests thatyou both need each other.As some one suggested go for a councelling and make councelling a bargain point if he wants to come back.Though I feel sorry fo you,there are alot of Indians living like you without getting any help from others. Give a last chance with councelling. Also think what you will do without your husband.Preplanning is needed here.AND ALSO,TO FIGHT YOU NEED TWO PEOPLE.

Answer 7

My parents almost divorced b/c of things worse than you mention but they are doing fine now, to answer your question yes it can be saved but it takes alot of understanding on both parts and it won't happen overnight, seeing a good counselor would help alot for both of you, maybe separately at first then both of you together, I would make counseling a condition if he wants to get back with you and also something about if he does "x" then the deal is off, you shouldn't have to put up with a guy like that if he continually will not change

Answer 8

If you don't trust him and don't love him- I can't see how it could possibly work (unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life). Maybe, if you haven't already, talk to a third party like a marriage guidance councilor - but from what you say, it all sounds a bit beyond redemption. Give it a try anyway if you really think anything can change your opinion of him.

I hope things work out whichever way is best for you. Think of yourself!

Answer 9

only you know what you want.. you can ask thousands of people for advice but its all is in your heart..
if you can no longer cope with the marriage you can end it.. dont worry about your culture.. i believe people in india now are more open on single mother ..
or maybe you need to explore your relationship with your partner.. be a friend instead be an each other husbands or wife.. do activities together.. than maybe within the activities you may know your next big step..

Answer 10

well no i wouldnt trust him i was with a guy like that and we had kids and then we split up and 5 yrs went by and he made me think he had changed (yeah for the worse!! )ill tell u what it took for me to get out and stay out of an abusive relashionship the last time that a police officer had to come to our home and he looked me in the eye and said "the first time ur a victim,if u stay ,all the other times ur a vollenteer" if it werent for those seemingly harsh words id probably be dead today