Married but lonely!?

Question

I am married but feel my husband just wants a house keeper. He will come home from work off load his problems get his tea handed to him and then sits watching first simpsons and then the soaps. He never takes an interest in what is going on in my life. Yesterday i had two really important meetings one with my employer and he never asked me how i got on. I know he has probably forgotten i had them as he forgets all my things all the time. Like had to go for an xray ( would have thought out of the ordinary ???) and again no query he forgot again. he seems superficial and most of the time we sit in silence while he watches tv. I dont feel he wants to listen to me and can hardly drag himself away from the tv when i do. Broaching the subject just involves him going away in a huff and turns his back on me. I feel very low about what happened at meeting yesterday but he doesnt notice, or in fact he does but doesnt ask as this would prompt discussion. what would you do?

Answer 1

Hi there,

I'm very sorry that you are feeling this way, and I completely understand how lonely and down you must be feeling at the moment.

Most of us have moments like this in our relationships - especially if one person is unusually busy. For example, this week I have been working until 9pm and have just started a new job. Because of that, I completely forgot about my boyfriend's appraisal at work. I am very forgetful anyway, which I always feel bad about - but this made me feel really awful. I also forgot his birthday this year until mid-day when I looked at the calendar and realised what day it was. My point here is that some people, like myself, are genuinely forgetful, but are completely in love with their partners. It could be that way with your husband.

How long have you been together and how long has he been acting this way? If it has always been this way, it could be 'just the way he is' and he probably does not even realise that you are upset by it. If it's very recent, there may be other issues going on.

I think that you need to get out of the house. I don't know if you have children or not, but if so, try to make arrangements so that you can go out for a meal and a few drinks. It's amazing how being out of the house can get you re-connected. I personally like to have the TV on while I'm eating because I hate the room being quite whilst I eat! So I think it's important to take some time out together with no interuptions. It also means that you can both get a little dressed up and make an effort to look good for each other, to stop things turning stale.

If you do go out for this meal, try not to bring up anything negative. Try to encourage conversation about each other's day. The night out will also probably give you a good view on how much there is to your relationship. If you find that there are a lot of awkward silences or that you have nothing to say to each other, it might be a sign that unfortunately you are not as compatible as you thought. You might find, though, that you both click back into place and it kick-starts more conversation for the future.

At some point you are going to have to have a conversation with him though. Try not to go into nagging or accusing mode. Don't say things like "you don't" "you never" etc. say things like "Are you happy in this marriage?" "Do you think that we are as close as we could be?" "Do you think things have gone stale?" Then lead onto the big issues and say things like "I feel like you are not interested in my life, and I'm wondering if that is because you don't love me".

It may be that he just wants to unwind after work and doesn't want to talk, and that he is genuinely forgetful and perhaps a little self-centred or that he thinks that you won't want to talk about your day at work if he doesn't want to talk about his. Or it may be that he is worried about your relationship but doesn't want to broach the subject. It could be that he doesn't want to be in the relationship but doesn't have the guts to say it, so he wants to push you away.

Either way, I think that a night out to try and get things flowing, followed by a serious talk if that fails, is a good way to see where you are both coming from. There is only so much you can do on your own - now you need to see if he is willing to work at your relationship. If everything else fails and you are still unhappy, then consider moving on.

As a final comment, don't just settle. Marriages are to be worked at, and no relationship is perfect - there are always ups and downs. I read a quote once that said a good relationship is all about falling in and out of love again and again. You go through the bad patches, but then things get good again. There are men out there who will dote on their wives - and this is the way it should be. You deserve a husband who is genuinely interested in your day and your problems and who respects your opinion. You might find that your current husband is that man, but needs bringing out of his shell. You might find that your husband will never be that man - and if that is the case, you'll need to decide whether you want to settle for 2nd best.

Good luck.

xx Emmie

Answer 2

I am in the same situation as you. On the whole my husband doesn't listen to me, I can be talking to him but he just sits there and gazes at the TV. I have also noticed that he won't really take any notice of anything I say unless he can read it somewhere else because he thinks I am thick and stupid and that I don't have any commonsense. He actually tells me not to bother speaking to him unless it is an absolute fact and that he is not interested in emotions or gossip. I just cook, clean etc.

So the conclusion being that I more or less don't tell him anything any more because there's no point. I have conversations with my mum and I phone friends to get things off my chest.

Some husbands worship the ground their wives walk on and hang on their every word but I am not with somebody like that. I think because I am not really the helpless feminine type that he thinks I am capable of gardening, decorating and I also do some DIY. He still constantly calls me thick and lazy and criticises everything I do.

At the moment I have a fractured foot but he shows me no sympathy, his big worry is how my disability will affect his dinner and will I be able to go to the shops and get his beer for the weekend.

I have been with him for 10 years but am stuck because we have two young girls, I would not miss him as a partner because he doens't socialise with my friends and I feel like a single mum when I go to school sports and opening evenings etc. In fact I would not really miss him if I never saw him again.

Answer 3

I think its time to play a game. If your husband doesnt notice you, let him see that others do. Send yourself some flowers when you know he will be there, with a card saying how are you feeling with no name attached. When he comes in dont have his tea ready, use your mobile more than usual, txt people more., always in front of him, it may not look like he is paying attention but he will be watching. Go out of an evening with friends. Make yourself unavailable to him. If this does not work then he does want to be in a relationship and you need to move on.

This may seem a bit drastic, but I promise it does work. You can always say the flowers came from a family member afterwards.

Answer 4

Sounds like the situation will only get worse if you don't speak to him.

From your description, it actually sounds like he doesn't care how you feel or what is going on in your life. That is no basis for a successful marriage.

However, it may be that he is just taking you for granted - unfortunately, something we men do sometimes without really realising. Give him an opportunity to find out exactly how you feel - if he doesn't take you seriously then in effect, he is placing the situation entrely in you hands. If he won't help sort out the problem, then you have no option to sort it out all by yourself - which will either mean accepting how things are, or buying a large suitcase bag from Argos, filling it with your stuff, and start making a life for yourself - after all - what have you currently got to lose?!

Answer 5

Please sit down make a list of all things that are wrong with your marriage or ur husband then when he comes give the list to him.Then tell him u two need to talk communicate about it share everything.After that if he doesnt want to do it tell him either counselling or u cant keep going this way making this marriage work all the way.Tell ur husband not to take u for granted.If he really loves u he will do it.Looks like ur goodlooking and good wife so hes married u but after being together or reason u two got married would have been love so u two just need to get the love on the surface say u both love each other show u both love each other express u both love each other.as my partners friend once told me only reason i would want to get married is to get a housekeeper as its quite expensive and am tired of cooking cleaning washing etc on my own lol so if he doesnt do any of the above things then thats his reason to get married.

Answer 6

Welcome to Married life! This is so typical of men who can only seem to see what they want to see, some guys dont want to be bothered with thier spouses needs and wants as they want to kinda suger coat the marriage and pretend all is well, when in reality their spouse is just screaming for attention, ah,yes it happens all the time, dont feel alone I am in the same situation only I just have more years under my belt then you, and as time goes by you will just adjust and grow further and further from him, pritty soon you will be able to tolerate it and just think of it as another day in paradise, its sad but true. I cant tell you how many Dr, appointments or important engagments Ive had and my hubby not so much as asks how it went or are you ok? Now, I dont know if this is just a man thing or what? or is it our men that we picked? whatever the case, you must tackle this in one way or another, you can let it get ya down or you can live with it? Because these type of guys wont change, but I can assure you of one thing, I,ll bet your husband loves you more then life itsself, and keep that in mind when he watches the simpsons, also understand that most men are like this, it takes time for thier true colors to come thru, but at the end of the day, a man is a man, and just be thankful you have one, cause a good man is hard to find!

Answer 7

Wow, glad not to be the only one.
I would switch the T.V off with his permission of course, and talk. Just talk for a good 5 - 10 minutes to begin with, not too much of his time, and do this regularly, daily if you can!
I did something similar with my husband, he didn't like it to begin with but now he gets why I did it.
I've had a few similar experiences as you, and it just makes you feel down and lonely most of the time. I know.
Just tell him you want to chat about anything and nothing in particular for 5 minutes, see what he says. Make him laugh if you can, I find that helps to get someone talking. And keep your conversations light, in the beginning anyway, because I found my husband would back away if I started moaning or complaining about something. Explain how you feel properly without getting upset, frustrated or angry. Make him listen. Don't wait for him to ask you about something important that you had going on, like meeting or xray like you've said, you start talking to him as though he has asked, tell him whats been going off, or what you've seen, noticed, weird or funny especially. Get his attention basically. I tend to do this now instead of wait to be asked about something, just dive right in and tell him. That way he HAS to listen, no excuse.
And watching TV whilst eating is a big NO NO, thats the only time I am guaranteed to be able to speak to him, and thats why I put my foot down and say no eating in front of tv.
Unfortunately, the feeling of being a housekeeper with me comes and goes. So I can't really say anything useful on that front.
Good luck! Hope things get better.

Answer 8

I'm sorry things aren't like you need them but if the rest of your marriage is good then find you an internet friend.No I'm not saying a boyfriend.Just someone to share a part of your life that he doesn't.If you can find a woman friend I'm sure you would be happy to have someone to discuss your day and them do the same.If not there are a lot of us on this site that don't have a life or a partner to share anything with.I hope things work out for you.Be happy.Good luck.

Answer 9

From what you have described above, it is apparent that he has lost all interests in you, your health, your success and failures, your problems and your feelings. You should do a lot of introspection to find out the root cause for this change. You may also talk with him to know what exactly is eating his mind. He might be having his own problems. Ultimately ,if you are very certain that he has no interest in you, then only you may think of some drastic action.

Answer 10

When i gone through your narration, i understood that despite he is not showing attention towards you, you are making his things in time by paying attention. I think you should change this system, try to make yourself busy and pay less attention or don't pay any attention in arranging the things for him. Make yourself motivated by not participating in the sex also for a while, till you know his attitude.Try to spend your time in doing some social service to the people who are not even in a position to do their daily things. I hope that if you perform this i feel that you will get some satisfaction that you are utilizing your time in doing some good work and at the same time you will know whether he needs you only for doing his things in time, if he makes his things on himself and still behaves in the same manner, then there is a serious problem with his attitude for which medication is required by way of counselling or by medicines. Because i think you are unable to understand his problem, it means there will be an impact of his parents behaviour or the environment where he has grown. I suggest you to implement these things and see change, i hope and i wish success for you by this way in solving you life time problem.