Husband is crude, degrading, with bad temper. He's controlling too. To leave or not to leave? We have kids.

Question

I have been contemplating separating from my husband for several months now, but keep saying, "I'll just give it one more try." or "He's trying. Maybe it'll work out." The truth is, I'm afraid of him. He's never hit my kids or me, but I sometimes find myself cringing because I think he might. He throws things, punches holes in doors and walls, yells, and swears constantly in his everyday conversations. He's nearly hit our children with objects he throws. His outbursts are like temper tantrums, and his mood swings are unpredictable. I often feel belittled. His comments to and about me are often derogatory and degrading, even to people I've never even met before. His behavior has greatly changed in the last few years. I am to the point I just want out, but am afraid that he will retaliate. He has told be half a dozen times to pack my stuff and leave, but never mentions what will happen to our children. I keep telling myself that maybe it's just me, I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Answer 1

You are not making a big deal out of nothing. You are being totally disrespected by your husband. You are being emotionally abused by him. It may well turn into physical abuse soon. He has an anger problem for sure and doesn't know how to deal with it any other way except taking it out on you and the kids. If you do leave, take the children and do it when he isn't home. Don't tell him where you are, no matter what. That is until he gets counseling for his problems. You need counseling too, because he has battered you verbally long enough that your self esteem is way low.

Your husband should treat you like a fragile vessel filled with fine wine. He should build you up not tear you down. You should feel secure, loved and honored by your husband. He should protect you, not threaten you.

If you don't have anywhere else to go, find a battered women's shelter and take the kids too, tell them what he is doing and that you are afraid of him. They should be able to direct you to counseling and help you to get away from him.

You have to stand up for yourself and not let him do this to you anymore. But you have to be careful and don't leave yourself unprotected from him.

He is a controller.

There are 4 distinct signs of some one trying to control you.

First if they don't get their way, they belittle you, and start name calling. If that doesn't work: #2 is guilt tripping. if that doesn't work it's on to #3 and that is anger and then last but not least is abandonment or the threat of it.

If he is using drugs or drinking then you need to read a book called 'Co dependent No More'. You can also find good help by contacting Alcoholics Anonymous if he drinks and ask them to direct you to the nearest Ala-non meeting. If he is doing drugs call Narcotics Anonymous and have them direct you to the nearest Co-dependent meetings.

I hope you will arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can get about the abuser in your life, seek professional guidance. It can be very dangerous for you to stay in your situation. Find out how you should go about getting out of it safely, before you do anything.

Go on line and search for info, call a counselor, talk to your doctor.

Answer 2

document everything he has said and done to you and your children and the next time he tells you to pack your stuff and go wait until you can get away while he is gone and take what is important to you and the children and get away from him. My Father was the same way and was physically abusive also but started like your husband. My Mother and Father have both changed and are very happy now. Your husband is a control freak and it is not healthy for you and your children. If he does not want to go into thearpy to get help you need to leave before he becomes physically abusive or you have lost all pride in yourself. Kepp your head up and think of you and your childrens futures because at this point your husband does not seem to care about those things. Your children will be happier in the long run seeing you happy. Trust me as a child of abuse it is harder to grow up and think it is normal behavior. Get your children out before your husband ruins thier childhood and possibly even adult hood. Good Luck and May God bless you and your family..............Chris B.

Answer 3

It is time! It sounds like you're living with a bomb that could blow up at any time. My mother lived with a man like that during the 40's. She took us and got the hell out and it was probably the best thing she ever did. Hard, yes! Is your husband an alcoholic? He needs serious help but, you need to get you and your kids to a safe environment. You need to visit your nearest Social Services house or whatever it is called in your town, explain your situation and find a way to change things. Don't stay with him..no matter what he says...promises are empty at this stage! Go for it! Find happiness and leave the loser behind.
P.S. I'm a guy!

Answer 4

Girl, you need to leave for the safety and well being of you and your children. He is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off! Think bout it.... if you leave... or keep tryin your children will suffer there kid's they're supposed to enjoy there childhood and not spend every day worrying about what kinda mood is daddy gona be in when he get's home! Our job's as parent's are to protect are children and if you really fear retaltation you should involve your local law enforcement! Do what you gotta do for you and your babie's and GET OUT!!!

Answer 5

As long as you are with him things will not change. Throwing items etc....is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and no family should remain in a relationship while this is still happening. Staying in a relationship like this is only making it harder for the husband to change because he has nothing to lose acting like this.Is he addicted to drugs? If so this might explain mood swings.Dont be afraid to ask your family for help if you are in a position to do so. If you get too scared call the police

Answer 6

Sounds like he has bi-polar disorder. I suggest taking you and your kids to a safe location (your parents or something) until you can get on your own 2 feet. You must love him very much to stay with him through all of this. Maybe if you leave it will get him thinking and he can make some doctors appointments. I knew a man like that once, his kids were scared to death of him. Give him his medicine ( he was bi-polar) and he was the sweetest man in the world. I hope everything works out!

Answer 7

Get out, now. The next thing he punches could very well be you. The next thing he tosses at a wall may very well be a child. It doesn't sound to me like he's trying anything other than to be controlling. Go, your children don't need to learn that this is the way to treat a wife or to be treated when you are one.

Answer 8

Usually I would say stick it out for the kids, but I am afraid he will escalate the bad temper and sounds like he is scary as it is. Call an attorney and a women's shelter on how to safely leave. Maybe when he's at work? And the attorney and womens shelter can advise you on your children's safety from him at school, too. I think there is an abuse hotline you can call, too. try to google it.

Wish you joy!

Answer 9

No... as some said, "I'm not an idiot". Kids were expected to KNOW "left and right" by the time they were 4 or 5 years old. That said... my little brother actually bought a pair of Sperry Topsider boat shoes - the left shoe was green and the right was red... just like navigation lights on a boat / ship.

Answer 10

Mother's usually win custody battles, especially if you have proof of his tantrums and can show he is an unfit parent. If it's that bad, leave and take the kids with you. Unless he is perhaps bipolar and able to be helped by medication, he's not going to change, and it will be problems not only for you, but for your children and their emotional development as well.