What can I do to rebuild my self-esteem?

Question

My self-esteem is very low and has been for the past couple of years. I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have had our ups and downs, but my husband has cheated on me twice. He also has a porn addiction. I already had low self-esteem, but this made it hit rock bottom. I feel worthless. I feel that no matter what I do he doesn't want me and neither does anybody else. I am overweight for my height and can't seem to get the motiviation to exercise and get some of it off. I have stayed in this marriage 1) because I do love my husband, 2) because I feel that he has the potential to be a good man, 3) because I have little to no self-esteem. I am not ugly, but I just don't feel like the woman I used to be. Besides that, he treats his mother with more respect that he does his own wife -- and that is no lie. I am always bending over backwards trying to do things to make him like me, but they are always short-lived.

How can I rebuild my self-esteem?

Also, he has NEVER said anything rude to me about my appearance. However, the way he treats me (with little respect) is what makes me feel so down. Everybody else gets his undivided attention but when it comes to me -- please!

Answer 1

i am going to tell you something, girl.

you are a very nice, wonderful person. you radiate love and kindness and sincerity. you are a sweet soul. i can feel this very very strongly about you. you have absolutely nothing at all, honey, to have low self esteem about. nothing. however, because you may be young, or, perhaps, sheltered a bit, you are not as studied about men. that is, street smart.

what if you took the porn thing off the table. what if that was not an issue. all men look at porn.

what if you just forgot all about the cheating thing. just let it go for now.

many men, culturally and because it is just done that way, treat their mothers completely differently from their wives. what if that just was not an issue anymore. what if that just went away as a problem, because you decided, well, 'that is just how he is with her', and just accept that.

ok, that is two things you are just not going to make part of your day anymore, no more thinking one more thought about how he treats his mom. not one more thought about any porn on the computer.

ok, what is left. you want to feel pretty like you were before. i completely understand.

tomorrow when you go to work or school or whereever, park very far away and walk to the place you go to. when you get there take the stairs. move more. swing your arms.

smile at 10 people tomorrow. count how many smile back. you go first and do this first. say hi to ten peoplle tomorrow, count how many say hi back. the people that respond are the people who see your beauty. when you count how many do you will know you are beautiful. i guarantee it.

i am trying to move you out of the space you are in that is not working for you and into a bigger, freeer, more carefree space. you are worried about tiny unimportant things, honey, you are a nice young lady, why isnt your life full of sunshine and happiness.??

tomorrow, smile all day long. no matter what. when you see your husband, smile at him like you are miss america. you will radiate beauty that is there in you, it will come out and shine all over your whole world that you live in.

say this to him verbatim: thank you for everything you do for me, honey, i love you, everything is going to be okay.

here is a book 'do one thing different' and another 'why men love bitches' and another 'how successful people win, by ben stein. if you do all this and read all this you will have so much self esteeem because you will realize it is there all along that you will glow with it.

Answer 2

I would think that the first step would be to lose the husband. He cheats on you, treats you disrespectfully, puts you second and you think that he has the potential to be a good man? You have three years that say otherwise. I would never forgive anyone for cheating but if you do honey only do it once. He will cheat on you again because you have allowed it twice. That will kill your self esteem. A porn addiction? What exactly is that? Does he watch it everyday all day or does he just watch it sometimes? Watching some porn is fine. Stop bending over backwards for him. The more you do and each time he shoots you down you are killing your self esteem a little more. What you need to do is decide if you can live the rest of your life like you have been living. With three years of marriage it should still feel like the honeymoon. For your weight, walking is great exercise and will work your whole body. Can you get a friend or co worker to walk with you? There are also all sorts of exercises you can do on the floor or the steps while you are watching TV. You are not worthless. You need to worry about making yourself happy and stop worrying about making a selfish man like you. He has proven that whatever you do it is not good enough so stop torturing yourself. Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi - it is a tough one as the best advise is to get the self-motivation to begin improving yourself. I was in a relationship where my partner cheated and i stayed. Why - because I had convinced myself I didn't deserve better, I loved the person etc, etc. It was all crap really, as I did deserve better and there were better people there but my esteem was low. As an aside esteem can affect anyone - at the time I was one of the best power lifters in the state - and the girl I was with - well she had always craved to be popular - so when we were together, and I knew all the bouncers, fit people, trainers etc she thought she was becoming popular and thought that if someone made a move, she had to say yes. So the issue wasn't me really, but a combination of two low esteems.

Anyway - I went back to basics, made sure i ate correctly, made sure I trained in sports I enjoyed to encourage meeting new people in a team environment, I did a few night courses for fun, made sure I took the appropriate medicines (eg to increase my serotonin levels etc). Slowly the outlook changed in me and I knew I deserved better - other peoples issues are not mine. So I was single for quite a while, but had quite a lot of interested others. It is unfortunately a slow process. These things are step by step propositions - but the road is one that is full of self-discovery and very worthwhile.

So take a deep breath - and then slowly do things for yourself.

Answer 4

you cannot love your husband
he cheated on you
do you think he loves you?
no he does not
he may say so
but you in your marriage because you fear being alone
and in your mind a bad relationship is better than none
and that's the realization you have come to and it's not a good thing
you cannot be in a any sort of good relationship with low self esteem
yes even low esteem people do get married
and those almost always fail, as the other person feels short changes being married to an emotional "gimp"
and usually cheats, and not for sex
but for someone who takes more interest in him
because they take interest in themselves
you also realize he is not much of a man
you mention potential
he will never see it
women blindly hook up with men thinking of their potential
that is backwards
you hook up with a man who is AT his potential
and that mean drug free, educated, articulate, in charge of his life, financially secure ( because of career and an education ) , from a good married family
anything less is a selling yourself short
men do not improve during the course of a relationship
they usually improve after ending one

Answer 5

You need to start looking at yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else's. You need to spend time doing things you enjoy, improving skills you are proud of, helping others. Other people will appreciate the good things about you, but remember it is what you think yourself that matters most. Your comments about being "very attractive, smart, charismatic and witty" are a good start. How often do you tell yourself those things? Do it more often. And be sure you visualize what you are saying. Write them down and read them every morning. Add to the list often. Remind yourself that your husband's expressed opinions were just that, and not any universal truths. I strongly suspect that he lied. If you were "good for nothing", why would you have been worth all the time he spent manipulating and controlling you? And perhaps you should also rethink your ideas about what makes a person good. I think the behaviors you described are my idea of evil, not good. So, congratulations on deciding to think for yourself and take care of yourself. I wish you good work instead of good luck, because I am sure that if you do the work you will succeed.

Answer 6

first thin in the morning get up and go for a walk, breath the fresh air, check out the colors of the rising sun, listen to the birds and maybe even say a little prayer, think of all the good things you do have, not the bad, soon you will start loseing weight if you keep it up. i have lost 55 pounds and have a renewed veiw on life, also i feel good about myself and the beauty that surronds me. try it you'll like it , mikey does it every day, so why not you?

Answer 7

SELF esteem is basically esteem of yourself. No one can make you feel that low whereas you dont have any self esteem. Regardless to the situation with your husband, you are a queen, a woman, a wife, and a sister. You have to build your own self esteem,start with positive thinking, and surround yourself with positive people. You have to love you, if you dont love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love u ? My self esteem died when I gained a lot of weight due to child birth, I didnt like viewing myself in the mirror. I came to realize that we as humans have to accept things and love ourselves. Sitting around, fretting, stressing it gets you no where. Trust me.. you have to work on finding happiness within yourself, everything else will fall into place. As far as your marriage, I recommend counseling, or better yet Talk to your husband, sit him down and discuss things with him.

Best of luck to you.

Peace & Balance

* JA*

Answer 8

You are telling my story...LOL..you have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship, or get out. It is very unlikely to improve, and very likely to decline. You are the only one who knows how much you can handle. But, trust me, the longer you stay , the harder it is to leave!! you will become more insecure, and even think that you can't survive w/o him, will never meet anyone else, etc. Get over all that. This is your life, the only life here on earth that you will have. You have to live it for yourself.

Answer 9

This man is doing nothing positive for you. You should seriously consider calling it quits. If he cared about you he would be doing things to bring you up. He would make you feel appreciated, smart, secure and happy. He would make sure you follow your dreams, spend quality time with you, and always be sensitive to your feelings. You need to somehow find the courage to leave him, and then work on your self-esteem. If you stay with him it cannot improve.

Answer 10

You will never get your self esteem back as long as you stay in that marriage.Love can only cover so much and then it's tim eto run not walk away.You will feel lots better about yourself once your away from him.Good luck