This is a complicated one. I will try to keep it as simple as possible. My son is 27 and living with his girlfriend about same age. They have had 2 children together. Two beautiful girls. Recently we have encountered a serious problem in our relationship.
I divorced his mother 20 years ago. I decided to get clean and sober and she wanted no part of it. I had to leave. A year later I ended up taking my 2 boys away from her and raising them myself. They were 7 and 9 at the time. She was not taking care of them properly and was dating one of the biggest drug dealers in our city. She ended up marrying him.
Well the current problem is my sons girlfriend has become like, the daughter my x-wife never had, and they are together all the time. She wants my current wife and I to attend all of my grandaughters birthday parties, even though my x-wife and family will be there. We have tried it a couple of times and have been very uncomfortable. There is a lot of drinking and with all the hard feelings there are between us bad things could happen. Neither my current wife nor I drink. We have decided we do not want to attend any more birthday parties where my x-wife and her husband are present. I met with both of them and explained the situation. My sons girlfriend got very upset about this and, unfortunately, they are now not talking to us.
I think this whole thing is pretty rediculous. I should not have to go to any functions where my x-wife and drug dealer husband are, if I don't want to. I am dissappointed in my son for backing them and not me. Now I don't get to see my grandchildren either. I would appreciate any suggestions you have. Thanks a lot. Mike
2007-11-01 17:23:58 · 6 answers · asked by Mike B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Tough situation. We have a family friend who dealt with a similar situation. Her son married a girl who was into a serious, very strict, religion. Her son was brainwashed and converted. She told him he was being ridiculous and that he was being used, but this only distanced him further from her. The son basically disowned his family. Fortunately, they were able to reestablish a limited relationship only after she realized that he wasn't going to change and accepted who he was.
So first of all, you need accept your ex-wife for who she is. You should have some empathy for her as you stated you were once an alcoholic too. The reason you need to do this is NOT to force yourself to like her, but rather to make sure that you don't put your son and his girlfriend in any more situations in which they must choose you OR your ex-wife and her druggie husband. You also want to see your grandchildren.
I would contact your ex-wife and say that you are sorry for judging her. It will be hard, but this is what you should do to save your family. Advise her that you don't feel comfortable at the parties because it is a tempting environment for YOUR sobriety. Do not judge her! This will alienate her more.
Since you have told her that the parties make you uncomfortable because of your sobriety, ask her if you can meet with the grandchildren in an environment without alcohol (maybe at a fast food restaurant or something). That way they can have their parties without you and you can see your son and grandkids.
And don't blame your son. He just used poor judgment. He is family, love him unconditionally.
Good luck
2007-11-01 20:34:14 · answer #1 · answered by tweeter77 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with mangelnr27
with the addition of that you should create some activities for you and your wife to take the your son and his wife and the kids to a show or amusement park or zoo or whatever
actually you should study and find something that you could do every year around the same time (not a holiday so you dont 'interfere' with other plans) this way you will also be creating your own traditions without the need to be in company where you are uncomfortable
but go to the parties. Be cheerful. enjoy.
success is the best revenge because you do not even need to think of it as revenge
2007-11-01 18:05:35 · answer #2 · answered by genntri 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand how being surrounded by the drinking would be an issue for you, but for the sake of your family you should put aside these 20 year old issues and just be a presence at the parties. You don't have to drink if you don't want to. You don't have to talk to your ex-wife if you don't want to. You don't have to talk to her sleazy husband if you don't want to. You don't have to acknowledge her presence. Your son and his girlfriend simply want you to be their kids grandfather and grandmother. It's not about you...it's about the kids. Next time talk with your son's girlfriend AND your son. That bond between you and your son should make things easier to be understood. Request if there is a way that you could see the kids at a time that your ex isn't around. And if it could be accomplished perhaps set up a schedule with your ex-wife on when and what parties or events you should go to. I hope she's understanding enough for that to be possible. Good luck, and go see your grandkids.
2007-11-01 17:35:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its very sad you feel hate towards a defenceless little baby who has never done a thing to deserve it. I would think the best thing you could do is break away from your g/f cos she comes with her precious son whether you like it or not. Im sorry this sounds very harsh but I am having trouble understanding how anyone could hate a little baby. Your g/f also deserves someone in her life who is going to love her son and treat him with the respect and kindness he is entitled to. I hope you do the right thing for your g/f and her son, move on and find someone who doesn't have any children
2016-05-27 00:02:52 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO I've been clean & sober for 15 years, and I raised my kids! I do not attend any function where alcohol/(drugs) are there!! My X has been clean and sober for about 2.5 minutes, and its always downhill from there!! My son & daughter understand this , and wouldn't be selfish enough to do crap like this!! We have had at time 2 parties for each grandchild involved ($$$$), but thats OK, I don't spend $$ on drinks/drugs, so its not a problem!! Thank god she lives out West, and flys in about every4/5 years to play super-granma!! I just stay away & and let her have her moment of pretend fame!! I'm not mean, bitter, angry, never speak bad about her! Just don't have time for a bunch of drunks!!!!
2007-11-01 19:19:25 · answer #5 · answered by happywjc 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to put away your pride for your grandchildren's sakes. I can see your consern, but it is their choice and she is still your son's mother.
2007-11-01 17:29:01 · answer #6 · answered by RedRabbit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋