Gothic Illusions. Life On The Dark Side?

Question

Gothic Illusions


Forced delusions
upon yourself
Dark clouds the aura
of your health
Pessimism
is your only schism
Though rainbows refract
thru crystal prisms

Time and time
again you cry
Bemoan the world
you want to die
But deep inside
there is hoping
Something scoping
despite your doping

You try to conceal it
With cloth of black
But light can't be hidden
It flows through cracks
Your suicide yells
From the depth of hell
Give way to the chiming
O' Holy church bells

You've been cocooned
Let the ashes fall off
Let the shells of flagellation
Grow fragile and soft
Time for new beginning
Time to end sin
Time to live your life
Let light shine again

Answer 1

I like it, but, instead of 'despite your doping', I think 'despite your groping' would encompass more including the directness of that line. The rest is more softly symbolic and that line comes across to direct. Maybe if it was in a 2 line piece that was at the end, which could also symbolize the end. I've been goth when needed for bands, but, only that and I have seen what you say in those who live it. But it would be interesting if you turned this into a poem with an ending rather than the beautifully worded descriptions (no offense-but that's kind of a goth thing...:)...). It seems there is a direction without an ending or a closure. I do like it though. A painting in the rough.

Answer 2

Not a bad poem, but there are a few malapropisms..."flagellation" has no shell/s, and your attempt to make that connection falls short. There is a repetative short rhyme style at the end of a few of your stanzas that almost sound like Rapp, but lack the beat to pull them off. You have a few good images, but your rhymes are a little weak at times, then too rhymy at others. It's almost like you wanted to go one way, then changed directions and went another. Still, some of the word choices show promise...

Keep writing

Answer 3

Again, you have proven yourself unworthy of your name...

(LOL)