My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage, and having kids and we've decided to wait because we're both still in college, and having to work all the time just to make ends meet. It would be totally selfish to have children right now we both know that, and we decided to wait until after school for marriage just because it's the smart thing to do.
The issue is very time someone invites me to a wedding, I hear of someone else getting married, or having a baby... my heart sinks a little bit.
The question is this.
I can deal with this sinking feeling. My boyfriend can not. He feels like he is failing me somehow by not dropping on his knee and proposing, or by giving me a child. Neither is the case. I know we aren't ready. I've told him myself we need to wait it's fine. But he can read me well enough to know it bothers me. How do I put his mind at ease, as well as keep myself from feeling like I'm missing something?
2007-11-01 16:13:12 · 20 answers · asked by cresentrosetat 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To add detail to some answers I've gotten...
To you who said I'm beyond help for asking the same question twice. People didn't give me an answer to the question I was asking the first time.. just telling me to wait.. hence they didn't really read it the first time properly or I had failed to get the point across as to what the question was. Go to hell, these answers are much better than the frist set.
And.. to you who said have an animal instead... we have 3 cats, and a 9 month old pup. lol. Nice answer though.
And to you who said something about abuse... you are WAY off base with that one.. for one he is the one who really wants to wait so long. I know we need to, but he is the one who reminds me.
I may have made it seem like he is the one who is wanting to move into marriage and family... neither of us do right now... we do at some point, but not right now. He is just wanting me to be happy. So he feels like he's failing somehow like I mentioned above.
2007-11-01 16:38:03 · update #1
Keep talking to him. From the discussions I have had with my hubby, I know that men (well, some of them) feel this enormous pressure to fix any problem their beloved has. They want to be your knight in shining armor. If you can acknowledge this for him and let him know you appreciate it, but understand that the waiting will make the actual events (marriage, family) even better and more appreciated, he will be grateful that you understand his feelings as well. It is difficult to wait, but the right person is soooo worth it, as is the right time for starting your family. He will feel much less stress if he feels adequately prepared to financially support his family before he begins it.
Good luck!
2007-11-01 16:25:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, I want to commend you because it seems like I was the only girl my age who was holding out for better times (it seems everyone is getting married/having babies now even this young). Like yours, my boyfriend is a little more into the idea than I am. But I just put it this way,after we are done school and establish our careers we can have a beautiful wedding(if we decide to get married),and give the best life possible to our children,but still have time to build our own memories together. Aside from the financial situation we will be less stressed about school,studying,on top of working full time to support a family and all that comes with it. Once you have kids you can spend all the time in the world with them,but you can never give up those first few years with the love of your life. So, it seems like your boyfriend really loves you and if you explain how you are truly feeling Im sure he will understand. Good Luck, and thanks for letting me know Im not alone lol!!!
FYI: financial issues are the leading cause of divorce,having a kid or more kids before you are ready is not only bad for children but, a marriage as well.
2007-11-01 23:22:55 · answer #2 · answered by jayo88 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok, I've been married 20 years, got married at 21, had my son at 23. If I had it to do over again, I would have waited. Find out who you are after college. Both of you start your career and get established. The biggest issues in marriage are finances and sex, with finances being a major contributor.
Once you have a baby, your life starts to revolve around the child. This isn't a bad thing, but if you haven't had time to get your life straight, then there will be issues.
You are not old, many professionals are not having children until they are near 40. Now, I wouldn't wait that long because kids require alot of energy and I wouldn't want to have a 10 year old at 50.
I know it looks life is passing you by, but really your life has just started and getting everything in order before you start a family will make everything alot smoother. Not that everything will be perfect at any time. Life seems to always throw you curves.
Good look!
2007-11-01 23:24:04 · answer #3 · answered by Nicole 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're both very smart. Dont do what I did having a child before marriage diggin yourself deeper in debt. I love my kids but I wish that I would have waited. If someone you know has a child offer to babysit and keep that child over night...and Im not talking about a 2yr old Im talking about 2 mths. That will not only give you a reality check but him as well. Children are no joke. Marriage will happen and you can get engaged its still commitment involved with that. Maybe if you two get engaged that will solve the issue for now of feeling empty. Take your time with doing both because neither of them you can throw back if they are not what you wanted. You two love each other and that is all that matters...hope i helped...
2007-11-01 23:30:15 · answer #4 · answered by Shandlan 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication is a big key in marriage. So if you are OK with the way things are tell him. Ask him how he feels. Tell him why you are OK with it, if there is something that is not OK tell him. By being open and honest with him he will be willing to be open and honest with you as well. Talk about when you would like to get married. How long until you finish school? Maybe just discussing the how and when will help. Ask him what he would like. Ask his opinion.
Being honest and open with him will help make things easier. And get things off to a good start for you both. Maybe the feelings you have hearing about all the weddings and friends having babies is just anxiousness. Making you look forward to the day when it is you.
2007-11-01 23:33:19 · answer #5 · answered by bkdrm41897 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him he is not failing you by waiting, the two of you are only making a better future for yourselves. My husband and I were together 4 and 1/2 years before we got engaged, and then engaged for 18 months. We were able to buy a home 3 months before the wedding and have a good stable place (and jobs) for children to come to. If you love each other, time shouldn't matter. And if you two are that determined, get engaged now and then just plan the wedding for when you're out of school and settled.
2007-11-02 01:35:59 · answer #6 · answered by amyguesswhat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are thinking with your head, Good Job. There's nothing wrong with him proposing and you two setting a date. DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!! Make sure he stays smart about it too. You two are on the right track and so much better off then alot of young adults. I know college seems like forever, but the time will fly by fast. You will both graduate, marry, have kids, and will have done it all in the correct order. Good Luck
2007-11-01 23:20:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's normal for your heart to sink -- I am the same way when it comes to having kids. We're not ready for that at this time either. However, just try to reassure him that you all will be able to get married and have kids soon enough. When the time is right for both of you.
2007-11-01 23:17:41 · answer #8 · answered by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't think of it as a sinking feeling, think of it as being very smart and planning your future, together.
I've been there and trust me, your heart sinks more when you drop out of college to have a baby and you get divorced. It's so much harder once you put marriage into the equation and then a baby.
2007-11-01 23:33:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
being a woman myself i know it is hard to keep your feelings to yourself, and hide them! but just keep reasuring him that you feel like you guys need to wait!! i would say he feels bad cause he really loves you and doesn't want you to be sad or hurt! you should consider yourself lucky to have a man that consideres your feeling, cause some men don't !!!! are you guys engaged? if not somehow bring up the subject of well lets get engaged, then after school, we can get married and have a baby! or something to this effect! then when those times come, you can look at his ring and know that very soon you will have "what's missing"!!!!!
2007-11-01 23:23:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋