Can a physically abusive relationship change?

Question

Just wondering --- 4 years ago met a guy, we dated-- had a child. he began using coke and became physical with me -never punched but manhandled me and stuff --eventually reported to police--we broke up for about a year and a half and he received counseling--began dating again (it's been a year and he doesn't do the drugs anymore, I never did) we're talking about moving in together but I can't forget what happened and worry that it could happen again and affect my kids and I worse-- i have another child but she never witnessed anything

Answer 1

I hate to tell you that but that is unlikely.. My mom waited 18 years before she dumped my idiot dad. Chances are not in your favor and life is short. Do not put yourself through the abuse just in hope that it will change. Get out and find a guy that will appreciate you and respect you. That is what this one should be doing but he apparently is too stupid!

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Yes, abuse can stop (personal knowledge) however your memory of the abuse will never go away.

If you can get past the past, and go forward into the future then there is possibly a future for the two of you.

However.... if he even begins to scare you then you need to walk away quickly, and don't turn back.

I did some "testing" that I don't recommend, however I would be in a heated argument, and actually get in his face to see what he would do... I baited him, did not get hit again, so I know that this is possible... Especially if he's stopped the behavior that may have been causing the outbursts.

If you choose to try again, take it really slowly, and be sure... be careful and be sure.

I wish you well.

Answer 3

The quality of life and prospects for the child's future is the primary consideration.
The pressures of dealing with a child can push some people to old habits and patterns. But the benefits and joys of family life are also important.
If you can keep the option of withdrawing to a safe place at any time, then you might accept the risk. Love and togetherness don't necessarily require sacrificing your independence.

Answer 4

Yes, I think people do change. But I would not move in with him so soon. I'd still date him for a while and tell him just how you feel. If he can't understand that, then I'd let him go right on. Life is too short to worry about him snapping or falling back into old habits. You need to sure and safe for you and the kids. Good luck.

Answer 5

It is possible that if he stays off the drugs he'll change, but each person is different. Also if he was raised believing it is ok to treat women like that he will never change. My Mom's ex husband was abusive and she gave him tons of chances and it never changed, to this day I can still remember him yelling at her and hitting her like it was yesterday and it's been 6 years. If he treats you bad and your kids see it they will never forget it, and it could badly affect them and the way they treat people when they become adults. Only you can decide what to do, as only you know him as a person and whether it really was just the drugs or if it is how he is deep inside.

Answer 6

You are justifying the abuse in the same breath that you are questioning whether it will happen again. You said he never punched me , he just man handled me a bit. TO ME when you put your hand on me(unless we are joking or having sex) you have crossed the line, period. I don't have time to figure out how far is to far for you. I don't have time to worry about if you could return to your old ways or get worse. I feel as soon, as I give you an inch your going to take a mile. And bc I do have children, who I don't want to repeat this behavior, sorry buddy I just can't take the chance on you. This just doens't seem like a good risk in my opinion.

Answer 7

honestly its your call but speaking from experience no it wont change. When i say speaking from experience i mean i was a child and whitnessed it with my mother, she always dumped the guy but took him back later on down the road. Things ended up being just wonderful for a time and it was peaceful, nothing wrong. But EVERYtime he moved back in with us me and my sister would get woken up to my mom gettin thrown up against the wall. It would start small of course, the first coupel of weeks he'd be back he would treat me and my sister nicely. Then suddenly he would start ordering us around like he had the athority too. Then he would turn on my mother. This happened so many times i couldnt even count if i tried. So honestly i would highly reccoment not moving back in with him, hell i wish you would have never started dating the guy again. Would have begged you not too. Guys like that never really change, they lay dormat for a while but something always triggers then and they get set off again.

Anyways this is your decision, in the end you have to live with the consequences, not me. But think of it this way, you say your daughter never whitnessed anything before but that doesnt mean she wont if it happens again, and let me tell you the memories of watching my mom get hurt physically and in other ways still haunts my memory to this day. That was when i was around 8, and im 21 now.

Answer 8

If he stay away from drugs and doesn't act violent at all right now well chances are that it was the drugs what cause him to be violent, some people react this way to drugs they completely loose their minds, so what you do is if you already with him now too late to tell you don't go back, what you do is watch for every sign that tells you he might be back on drugs and if you even feel he is proof or not on hands, leave leave leave.. drug test him if you have to your safety and the safety of your children are at risk here, DO NOT TAKE ANY CHANCES.. good luck.

Answer 9

my mom went back and forth in the same situation for 10 years. always thinking that itll be better if he wasnt on drugs..... it wont get better. my mom Just got out f the realtionship, and especially having a child with this man, you and your kid dont need it. my lil bro has to go to counsling all of the time because of his mental stress. he is 10 years old and has full out stress migraines..... it should be about f your kid has seen it or not. ITS HAPPENING.

i have a daughter with a man that used to do coke as well. i stopped letting him see her until he was clean and he could control his temper with me and her. he made the change for himself and prooved it every which way from sunday.

it can go both ways. 98% of the time it doesnt change. he has to show you UNFAILINGLY that he is a different man and im not just talking about being sweet to you here and there. imtalking ablout 100% a gentleman to you. otherwise, its just not good for you or your baby.... Take care sweetheart and be crareful.

Answer 10

From personal experience (watching my parents), I'd say yes, it can change, but only if the abusive party gets serious, ongoing counseling or therapy and all the underlying issues -- substance abuse, for instance -- are dealt with in an honest, effective way. In fact , it would probably be a good idea for you to be in counseling, too, before you decide whether to resume living with this person so you understand what your issues are in this relationship -- what you get out of it, what you want out of it, and a realistic assessment of what you might or might not be able to expect from this person. Then, if you decide to go back to living with this person, it would probably be a good idea for both of you to be in counseling for awhile to help monitor the situation. Good luck!

Answer 11

If he really loves you and has changed his ways for life, then he's not going to far. I'd give it a while (at least a couple of years) without living together. After all, your child is counting on you for his/her well being. They can't choose who to live with or how to live, they are depending on mom to call the shots for them and to secure their home and well being. I'd maybe ask to visit the counselor he went to, then ask for a session together, to ease your mind and to help with your decision. Don't take his word for it only. Until your 100% sure, don't let him reside with you and your child. I grew up in this kind of environment. It's hell for a kid. If you live with that now, then it could be you grew up within an abusive family as well. Don't allow this garbage in your life. Do all you can do to prevent any kind of abusive behavior. See him outside of your home if nothing else, but stand your ground. God Bless