Loveless Marrage?

Question

Ive been married for 17 yrs now and have 2 children.Ive stayed with my husband for so long for my childrens sake im at the end of my tether at the moment.He's never cheated or hit me theres just no love from him,No kisses no cuddles and i have tried all sorts and nothing has happend.We dont do anything together we dont go out anywhere he has his room in spare bedroom and i have my bedroom and he would rather be in spare room than sleep with me.Only time he wants sex is when he has watched some porno.Wouldnt be so bad if i denied him it but its always me asking him for it and its a quicky and then up and off back away from me.I feel so cold and unemotional with him i know i dont love him anymore my kids love him and adore him and i know would break there hearts if i ask him to leave im in a situation i can leave and be happy or stay and my kids be happy and im still in the rutt i was in.Not sure if anyone can answer my question or my problem.Do i stay or do i go?

Thank u to all who commented,Im 33 years old and my kids are 10 and 14. Ive tried everything you can think of. Asked to get help about 4 yrs ago and his answer was NO!stays behind closed doors personal issues so ruled that out.Tried ann summer things and no interest there for him even tried watching porn with him and he wasnt interested.I have tried everything i can think of even sex books magazines sex toys.Nothing has worked only thing we have in common is the kids.He doesnt like going out anywhere doing anything in reality he would rather be sat at his computer all day.Ive tried so long to fix us but one person cant it needs to be two.He's happy in the way it goes for him.Im the unhappy one putting on a fake smile and pretending everything is fine when inside im not.Also im a heavy sleeper so wouldnt matter if he snored or not wouldnt wake me up.And for birthdays ect its me who gets the cards he dont believe in wasting money on silly things he would rather stay in and watch tv

Answer 1

Your children will adjust. You need to remember that you are not just a mother, you are a woman. You are an individual with your own life. Your children will grow up and lead their own lives. Your children will adjust if you get divorced.

I was actually talking to one of my work friends a couple of days ago and he said that whilst he was growing up, his parents slept in separate rooms and lived like strangers. As a result, he didn't have a happy childhood, doesn't get on with either parent now, and had problems with relationships because he had a very bad example set for him as a child.

My own parents divorced when I was 4 years old, and I am glad that they did. It is harder if your children are older, but as upsetting as it will be for them, they will adjust. What if you wait until they are 18? I don't know how old you are, or how old they are, but the way I see it is that you have to live for now. I know this is an awful thing to say, but I believe you should get out there while you can. Would you rather be single at 40 or at 50? I know which I'd prefer.

I actually think you should stop trying. I don't think you love him anymore - you are just trying to make yourself love him. There is no point 'asking' for affection or sex - I hate to say this, but not only will it make you feel like crap, but it is also a little self-depricating.

I think that you should have a talk with him and call it a day. Come to an agreement about the children. I never think people should stay together for their children - it never works in the long run. They will pick up on the fact that you don't adore each other. The most important thing to a child is not whether mommy and daddy love each other, but whether mommy and daddy love THEM.

I suggest you get a babysitter and arrange to go somewhere private with him, outside the house, so that he can't just run away. You drive and you take the car keys, so that he can't drive away. Drive to a pub and sit in a quiet corner, or drive to a park and sit outside. Start off with "Neither of us are happy in this marriage, are we?"

I imagine that it will be a relief for him to hear you say it. He's obviously too scared to say it himself and you will most likely find that you are both on the same page. If you are, it will help because things will not turn as nasty. If you both want to be apart and both want to care for the children, hopefully you can come to an arrangement and in turn he might actually gain some respect back for you, because you've had the guts to bring up the issue.

Good luck.

xx Emmie

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear this. I'm not an expert but I've read a book about Love and Respect. It said: man needs respect whilst woman needs love. In brief, if we don't respect our men, then they won't respond with love.

I am not trying to be a surgeon or counsellor, and I feel really sorry for you my dear sis. What I can only say is, may be he has a lot of grievances in the past that he doesn't even want to show his love towards you now? He is detaching himself because he finds it more comfortable being on his own, and/or he may want to use it as a way to show his anger.

is there any chance to go to see a church person - there are too many things in a marriage that need forgiveness. Whatever the past, if we can leave those behind and forgive each other (don't put each other on the scale, forgiveness doesn't work this way), we can move forward.

I believe everybody was born with God's character, i.e. love and kindness. If he is withdrawing his love for you, there is an issue here (with you both). I think marriage counselling or therapy will work on the outset, but deep inside his/your heart, you need forgiveness and healing.

God bless and take care.

Answer 3

In other words if he doesn't watch porn , he does nothing. what a waste, How have you not kicked his butt around the block. Not that my opinion counts that much, but any person that stays in a Loveless marriage for the kids wastes so much of their lives.That is the common thread in all their stories. Wouldn't your kids like you to be happy? . Just once think about yourself, do you want this to continue?You don't have to be unhappy for anybody. I can imagine how lonely and alone you feel, as I'm not in a relationship, but if I had the choice, I'd take my happiness a lot more seriously .

Answer 4

I'm quite perplexed, why are you in sperate bedrooms? When did this start?
If communication hasn't worked, and he knows how you feel and isn't willing to put in the effort then I think its better if you leave him. Maybe you could ask him if this is something he would want, or be happy with? Explain to him why you want to leave him. Who knows, something might click in his brain, and he may pull up his socks.
Don't make yourself unhappy though. And if by staying with him you are feeling unhappy then maybe you should do something about it now.
I don't understand why men do not understand why we need affection, and also my husband says this to me every time I tell him things have changed between us, "Things never stay the same, and we've changed, because circumstances and have responsibilities to think of" in other words, we can't be all lovey dovey because we got responsibilities, and we can't enjoy life either! So I just sigh and try my best.

Answer 5

It all depends on what both of you want; I would have a problem with my hubby if he treated me like that, and I would react in the same way as you, and withdraw my affection and begin to wonder if I loved him. It is hard to stay in love with someone who gives you nothing back of himself, his time and his affection. It depends whether he is behaving this way because he is like some men, oblivious and self absorbed, maybe under stress at work etc (not that that makes it right), or whether he is behaving like that toward you because his feelings have changed toward you. Where kids are involved, I certainly wouldn't be making any rash decisions until I found out why he is behaving like that, and he owes you an explanation at least, even if just for the sake of the kids. It can be worse for the kids to stay in a house where their parents are unhappy, I have been there when I was a kid and it stays with me now. You deserve to be in a relationship where you and your partner treat eachother with genuine affection and respect. Only you and your partner will be able to know whether that is possible to acheive this with your husband as a result of talking to eachother and examining why you feel that way toward him and why, and why he is so cold toward you. Best of Luck

Answer 6

You`ve waited too long. Your kids will be gone and out of the house, and what will you be left with?? A loveless marriage, marriage isn`t about having a sibling or a roommate, it`s about love and intimacy. If you feel like you`re being robbed of that, then you have some serious reevaluating to do. It`s not always about the practical things in life, sometimes thinking about your feelings and using your heart are the only way to go. It is nice to have a warm cuddle on the couch, or to shower together. You can`t live life alone.

Answer 7

Girl that is a really depress story and I am sorry that your going trough this.. You are the only one who can help you right now, you either have to accept that your life with this man is meaningless stay with him and be unhappy for the rest of your life, there is life after marriage especially if you want to live a healthy life and being with a man like this is going to hurt your mental help.. there is no love I don't think even friendship you should give your self a chance to be happy 17 years is a long time but for ever is longer..take a chance live your life, leave him.. good luck.

Answer 8

How old are the kids? First I think family ( this is my opinion) should be happy as a unit and should meet eveyone's needs not just the kids,husbands or wife. That being said kids are obviously a priority but not to a point that it makes you unhappy. If you are unhappy I am sure your kids are aware of it and it effects the whole family. Here is what I would recommend:
1. Get a good marriage councilor ( check their credentials..etc.)
2. Work on patching the issues as much as you can
3. If you have exhausted all options consider a trial separation. This can sometimes work as sometimes people
take each other for granted and little separation can be a wakeup call
4. Move on ( hopefully it would not lead to this)

Answer 9

We are sailing in the same boat.I'm in my marriage because of my two kids.They adore their daddy so much and he also loves them.But the truth of the matter is that our love died long time.We never go out together unless with the kids.We sleep together but rarely make love this goes for months.He claims to love me but i feel nothing for him because he does not show me any affection.To the outside world people will think im happily married.So what im saying is that your kids are more important in this world than anything else.Stick together for there sake.Make your self busy like go out with friends and have fun.Also make sure you are close to your kids and do things together.Most important now is the happiness of your kids.Assume this man and live happily.All the best.

Answer 10

17 years is a long time. But there is something very important that you said, which is "i dont love him anymore". Are you absolutely, 100% sure that you don't love him? If you answer is yes, so don't waste more time in this marriage, that will obviously finish sooner or later.

Your kids will grow up and leave, and you will have to face your marriage at that stage, and probably you will be too devastated to face it.

Don't wait, just get over it now and I am sure your kids will understand. They will appreciate to have happier parents as well.

Good luck!