Okay, so I don't have perfect form and rythym, but as far as content?

Question

freeflowing thoughts, fragmented fissures
synapses snap! crackle! pop! it's surreal...
rolling back eyeballs, grand mal seizures
no one can convince me that's not how this feels
taken back phrases, conditioned responses,
silhouettes and shadows of what I felt for you
pushing me into high tide, emotions erratic
flotsam and jetsam and the shipwreck of me and you
raindrops look like stars falling willfully
heaven remembered is hell come to fruition
silence is death, like music remembered
echoing in the mind of a deaf-mute musician
sutured like the mouth of a raggedy ann doll
frivolous futile communal links
mountains of morality cascade in a landslide
and just like Atlantis, the whole world sinks.

Oh, and I need help with a title, I always do.

Whoa, guys and here I expected mass criticism! The tile will be "whirlpool" because it simply cannot be anything else. Thanks, Chris B. and fae

Answer 1

An exceptional piece! A veritable implosion of mind, body and soul sinking into the whirlpool of a demon's eye. Bravo!

Answer 2

This may be packing too much into one poem:
so it might be followed by another poem, shorter,
...how short can you get it and still like it?...If you
try that, keep the fourth from the end line: the raggedy
Ann doll..

I like the form ... no... I love the use of caesuras
that each of your lines has. It sets up a rhythm
so much stronger and with more verisimilitude
than iambic lines.

Answer 3

I really like your style of this poem. It's very unique and original, and I love the imagery and literary elements you use describing broken love and how you felt.

As for the title, I think it should be, " The Chain Reaction of Shipwrecked Love".

I know my title kind of sucks, but it's all I could think of right now.lol...

Answer 4

Whirlpool.

Answer 5

I might have done it differently but I bet it is how you feel. Now is not that what we go for when we write. You write what you feel and hope others will like it but still it is part of you. You might try "Love Lost" I know it is different but I like it. How about three and a half stars out of five.

Answer 6

I really like this poem. I'm really picky about the poetry I like; I don't flatter strangers, and I normally don't like the poetry that's posted Yahoo Answers, but this is fun. Don't worry about content so much. Your rhythym and sound is great, which conveys your ideas as much as your words do.

Answer 7

Title>>>> Screwed<<<<< >> my lady that was very good .I can only dream to compose word so flowing .You girl are a smart one I like that ,,,,Make me think ,,,,Thanks

Answer 8

call it "Chaos of the soul"

Answer 9

unique!