I have been married for four months, I married my best friend after he asked me to marry him eight times because I honestly thought it would be great for our kids and I knew how lonely he was since his wife died. I am still in love with my ex husband who I share an 18 month old baby with, my husband knew this before we got married. In fact the night before our wedding I was crying in his arms telling him I didn't think I was ready because I was still in love with my ex. He convinced me that our new life together would be best for everyone and that we would get through this because of our faith in God and love for eachother's family. Our family has blended well, our children are happy and my husband is happy. I am not! I don't want to be selfish but I love my ex even after the things he did to me in the past and our son doesnt even know him. Now he wants me to leave my husband and move out of state to be with him, would this be best for our baby? He is sober now
2007-11-01 08:08:09 · 35 answers · asked by LilSunbeam 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Doesn't he deserve a second chance since he has proved himself through counseling and AA. He did this for himself as I was out of the picture. I am so confused, I am a good girl and love my kids more than anything else. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to ask "what if" forever either. I know I am married but I was also married to this guy and we share a child, a baby, who maybe now has a chance to know how wonderful his father used to be.
2007-11-01 08:10:49 · update #1
The reasons you got the divorce in the first place have not really changed. He might not be drinking right now, that can change back to old habits. I married my ex twice and the reason we divorced in the first place reared it's ugly head and we divorced again. Your ex lives in another state so you really don't know whats changed. If he wanted a relationship with your son he would move closer to you. He hasn't. That should tell you something. It sounds like your son has a wonderful father now. It is his stepfather. If you leave a good father for your child and go back to the bio. father he may not be as good a dad. Think about the reasons that he is your ex!
If a person has changed it takes years to change and most men don't change much. Do what you feel is best, but please think it through.
2007-11-01 08:20:54 · answer #1 · answered by Linda S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All I know is once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. They must make a decision each and every day to take that first drink or not. Can you say you love your ex enough to not leave when he may 'fall off the wagon again'? You can love your ex, but not be able to be in a marriage with him. Think of what you may be throwing away as you have a man that loves you very much as a husband, right now. Most relationships start as great friendships and grow from there. Give your present marriage a chance before you do something you may very well resent in the future. You're still grieving over your ex; once you are past that, you'll be better able to make the right decision,.
2007-11-01 08:20:00 · answer #2 · answered by pussycat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Girl, you might think that it is best for you and your kids now but now what happens if he change nowin that you r back with him. You are putin you and your kids heart in the jungle you don't want to do that. I know that you said your husbund knows that you r still in love with your ex, but you should of never married him no matter how bad you feel for him knowing what happen to his wife, you don't do things like that. You should of just be his girlfriend and take things slow. Cause look at whats happens to you , you are confused and he might end up getting hurt again. He isn't ready for a relationship right know cause he griefing isn't over yet and your isn't either. What's done is done so what you have to do know is stay with him for another couple of months and see if your feelings still takes a toll on you then its up to you. Really and truely its not whats best to you it's what best for your kids, if they already call him or looks up to him as a daddy then why not leave the family the way it is.
2007-11-01 08:34:09 · answer #3 · answered by diddyvi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whoa . . . first off i agree with everyone saying you shouldve never gotten married and made such a commitment when you werent in love with him.
secondly do you really want to bring your totally stable child into something you're uncertain of? just because you love someone doesnt mean theyre the person for you. he proved you wrong once when he wasnt sober. and completing the AA program doesnt really prove that he's a changed man. dont risk your childs well being so quickly.
i think you should either try marriage counseling with your current husband and if not then leave him but not for your ex. use that time to truly find what you need for you and your child.
2007-11-01 08:20:55 · answer #4 · answered by justkeepinitreal 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long has he been sober? If he's only been sober a while you need to wait! and see what happens.
Sounds to me you are waiting to jump right back into an abusive cycle!
Any violence?
mean drunk?
Why'd you leave him in the first place?
My sister dealt with a hubby like that but it wasn't alcohol. He verbally, mentally, and finally after a year and a half married physically abused her. Nothing she ever did was good enough. She was in a cycle of abuse. He was mean. She cried or left and then he begged her to come back..."I've changed! I won't do it again. I love you." He said anything to get her to come back...they would have a while of happiness and then it would start all over. she was convinced it was her fault. She still loves him too...though they are now divorced.
2007-11-01 08:18:16 · answer #5 · answered by Sandra R 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My god, what a mess. I'd say you definitely shouldn't be with the man you're not in love with and, apparently, have never been in love with - he might think he's happy now, but it sounds like you will only end up making each other miserable - not to mention that you already ARE miserable.
But that doesn't mean you should be with your ex husband, either. Presumably he's your ex husband for a reason, right? You might still love him, but if things were bad enough that you got divorced... what, is the relationship suddenly going to magically fix itself? Doesn't sound like the two of you had a very healthy relationship, with your talk of the 'things he did to you' and the fact that he's 'sober now' (for how long?)
Might be best for you (and your kids) for you to not to be with either of them, I'd say.
2007-11-01 08:14:18 · answer #6 · answered by marmiteontoast 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is being in love with your ex an excuse becuase your not in love with your husband. Listen it sounds like you need to be alone for a little while with your baby. 18months is very young and while you shouldn't be with someone you don't love you should probably figure out what would make you marry them??? Marriage is not something your talked into? I think you should let your child have a relationship with its real father but that doesn't mean you need to. Are you the type who just can't be alone?
2007-11-01 08:16:32 · answer #7 · answered by nyc 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are married to a good man...someone who cares for you, supports you and is good to your children. It's sad that you are still in love with your Ex, but you need to think about what kind of a life you would have with him, potentially unstable...
Personally, I think you should give it some time with your new husband. Tell your Ex that you need six months without contact from him to see what your heart tells you to do. For those six months, try making things work with your husband, love him, give to him and let him give to you. Then if after six months you are still having these feelings for your Ex perhaps you can explore the idea of being with him.
2007-11-01 08:16:30 · answer #8 · answered by missapparition 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you shouldn't have married again so soon but you did. So, your husband is entitled to more consideration than you're giving him being hung up on your ex. (By the way, what makes you think your ex is suddenly Mr. Right after being bad enough to warrant getting a divorce in the first place?) You don't seem to have much respect for marriage, so being married to you probably doesn't mean very much, but it is supposed to. You can grow up anytime you want to. ("I don't want to be selfish, BUT..."...famous last words, huh?) Who will you run crying to after Mr. Right hits the sauce again? I wouldn't ordinarily advise sacrificing your own happiness strictly for the sake of the children, but if their lives have radically improved since your involvement with your first husband ended, that's a substantial hint that he wasn't any good for all concerned....you should probably think long and hard about your next move, because you seem to be seeking approval to tear things up again. You're an adult; you don't need anyone's permission, but for God's sake BE an adult and OWN your own decisions.
2007-11-01 08:28:09 · answer #9 · answered by Captain S 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you should distance yourself from both. If you are aren't in love with your husband you shouldn't have married him in the first place. Second if your ex is still recovering, you should maybe give both of you more time to figure out what you want in life. You don't have to be with one or the other, you can be by yourself until a clear answer presents itself to you! Good luck
2007-11-01 08:21:06 · answer #10 · answered by brokentrixie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋