my hubby (23) and i (21) were having this discussion. when i met my hubby, i knew he smoked & drank alot, from what his family says, he really calmed down after he met me & more so when we got married. he promised me he was going to stop smoking, i find it a total turn off. the drinking, well i don't like it either, but i know he doesn't drink alot like he use to, so what can i do, you know? i wasn't raised around smoking & drinking. i never saw the point in it & it's something that isn't part of my life. on the other hand, he was. i seen his parents get drunk & argue horribly to the point where they're punching & hitting each other. i'm 22 wks pregnant with our first baby. i don't want my baby to raised like that. i told my hubby if he refuses to stick to his promise, that's him. yeah i make a big deal, because he promised. if not then i wouldn't. & if he's going to be drinking or smoking, he is not going to do it around my baby or in our house. any advice? :( thx :)
2007-11-01 06:05:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
when we were dating, he never drank or smoked around me because he knew i wasn't into that. that is why he promised to stop.
2007-11-01 06:17:00 · update #1
Why did you marry him if you can't stand smoking and drinking? It seems you should have dealt with this before you decided to get married and have a child. You can't force someone to change if he is unwilling. You either have to "suck it up" or leave him.
2007-11-01 06:14:35 · answer #1 · answered by Queenie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand your situation, however I don't recommend you to convert. First, Islam is based on the 7th century Arabia. It has advanced a little. Cigarettes were not popular back then, so no wonder it is not haram. Technically, Quran only mentions wine as haram. But, scholars interpret it as drugs and alcohol nowaday to just make it sound more scientific. Go take some Cultural Anthropology and Ancient history courses at a community college. Alcohol consumption and Pork are taboo in many so called pagan traditions/cults. It has nothing to do with health. Everything we eat has some side effects. It's the ******** that Muslims come up to justify their stupid laws. All animals are technically dirty, go to a farm or a meat factory, you will be disgusted. If you think Christianity was a fairytale, I have to tell you that, Islam is no better than that fairy tale. It is like comparing Harry Potter with Twilight. Just because Twilight is newer and more exotic, it does not make it any better or the real fairy tale! There's really no true religion, if there was one, there would not be this many traditions. Religions are man made, to relief pain, answering depressing question with convincing answers, making profit, system of mass control.
2016-03-13 09:32:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow this seems to be a common problem on this board today but mostly from 20 something y/o's why the hell am I dealing with the same problems from a 40 year old!
Whatever, anyway, if he refuses to change or stop, sadly (i really mean sadly) there is nothing you can do about it you will either have to accept this b.s. in yours and your child's life or leave him because even with age, they will not change. That's real nice for him to do to you, especially with you being so young and pregnant! besides leaving him I really don't have any other answer for you. I'm truley sorry from the bottom of my heart that you have to go through this, especially at such a young age, you should be enjoying life. Best of luck to you. I hope you can find the solution you are looking for.
2007-11-01 06:13:36 · answer #3 · answered by Jersey Style 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Work on it together...I know the feeling been there with the smoking and drinking more so with the smoking I am trying to give it up its not easy believe me when I tell you I wish I had stayed off them when I quit the first time 15 years ago!!! Be patient and don't allow him to smoke near you in the house car anyplace that you share space...outside tell him he needs to quit....Drinking well I drink socially it sounds like your hubby has a problem may want to consider him going to AA...You need to tell him that this is for the baby if he doesn't comply well then issue him the walking papers
2007-11-01 06:40:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A promise is a promise and I wouldnt want that around my children either. I can see a social drink occassionally but never around the children, plenty of time for that on nights out or after their bedtime. However i do disagree with you, I would rather him have a beer or two at home rather than be out driving after he has been drinking. I think meeting in the middle is the best way to go, he cuts back and doesnt do it around the children and u dont get mad because he does it occassionally. That is as long as he doesnt become violent while drinking in that case I would say cold turkey. Good luck!
2007-11-01 06:16:55 · answer #5 · answered by Ashley 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have chosen HIM to have a baby with.
Look at the practicalities of what you can and can't control in this situation.
Smoking around you when you are pregnant, and around the child when it is born, will affect the child's health. Research has shown it will stunt the baby's growth. If the "second-hand" smoke around you while pregnant is intense enough, the baby may have personality disorders in the future, especially if it's male.
Your husband is a drinker who was raised by drinkers. He knows that life, and may see nothing unusual in living that way. He may realize totally that drinking and smoking will damage his health and shorten his life, but knows no other way to live. This life-situation may stay the same for him, or he might progress to heavier drinking and even more severe health and behavior affects----Alcoholism is a slow process.
Accept completely that you will never change him---you can only control what YOU do. You have made decisions---getting pregnant. The rest of yours and the child's life is also under your control and responsibility.
2 paths are out there---get rid of him (and his behaviors).
Or, learn to live with a drinker/alcoholic---this can be done, if necessary, through the "Al-Anon" program. In this talk-therapy group, you learn the skills you need to deal with a drinking spouse and /or in-laws. This takes work, and honesty. Many people live for decades in this situation, before taking charge of their lives through "Al-Anon."
2007-11-01 06:30:10 · answer #6 · answered by papyrusbtl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
uh what the h3ll that is the worst thing to do and its wrong of you to do it that way if he is slowing down then whats the problem if its in moderation then there isnt a big deal and as for smoking if its cigarettes then that is one of the hardest things to quit and just because his parents arent responsible doesnt mean the he is going to be like thatif he isnt drunk then he should be fine and as for telling him hes like his father isnt going to help him quit its going to do harm to the advances he has made like cutting back and using his unborn child against him is a really bad idea also adding that type of stress to him when he is actually trying isnt helping the matter any maybe you should look at the positive stuff for a change he is trying to quit for you and the baby because he promised and he is in fact trying and succeeding by the sound of it so you should be proud of the fact that he is when most people cant and as for the smoking it may be around a while and you arent out of bounds wanting him to go outside for that but remember it takes two to make things work and it sounds like you guys are getting there just help him out nad not be so hard on him because you two are in this together in my humble opinion
2007-11-01 06:20:41 · answer #7 · answered by the_orc_1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
unfortunately this is a losing battle. He will not stop until he is ready. You can ask and make him promise until you are both blue in the face. Just make him smoke outside, and ask him to limit his drinking, but not supporting him isnt going to help. It is just like him saying to you you need to promise me that you will lose all of your pregnancy weight after you have the baby. That would make me very mad. If you love him you will just have to accept that he came with the addictions, and until he is ready to quit you will try to support him, but ask him to be respectful of your chose not to smoke, and drink. Hopefully this will help, and remove the added stress that really isnt needed.
2007-11-01 06:23:01 · answer #8 · answered by demo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He smoked and drinked before you got married, and you knew it.. You were also fully aware of his famiy history.
So trying to change him now, may be futile. If this wasn't part of your life before you got married, why did you choose it now?
Alcohol destroys relationships, hon, and i hope he isn't drinking to excess... he really needs to be more attentive to YOU and do things with you, not his buddies....
My advice? I wouldn't have married him in the first place, if i didn't like his habits... people just don't change overnight, if ever at all. ... sometimes we have to accept others at face value.
Its your home too, so if you don't want people drinking and smoking inside, discuss it, and make a compromise for him to do it outside while he's trying to quit? I don't know what else to say.
2007-11-01 06:16:16 · answer #9 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I smoked and drank (not excessively) when my wife and I met, she didn't like it and after about two years of trying hard to get me to give it up, and her putting on weight like there was no tomorrow, we now have an excellent understanding about my drinking and smoking and her eating habits.....I moved to another city!
2007-11-01 06:14:58 · answer #10 · answered by Rob J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋