How should I handle this? 12 yr old daughter carved boy's initials into her arm?

Question

I talk openly and often with my 12 year old daughter, so I knew that a lot of the kids at school were using exacto knife blades to carve things into their skin (their version of tattoos, I guess). We had a long talk about how dangerous and inappropriate this is. Despite that, yesterday, she came home with the initials of the little boy that she likes carved into her forearm. Obviously, talking isn't good enough. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

Answer 1

you can punish her, but shes gonna do what she wants to fit in...Let her know that it might scar also...does she want an ugly scar on her arm?

Answer 2

Talking is good, but in this situation you may need a more drastic aproach. Remind her that the scar she gets will stay on her body forever (unless she gets it surgically removed, tell her the cost) and since she's only 12, her feelings for that boy WILL change and she will regret it. Maybe tell her about some of your experiences with boys when you were her age( if you don't have anything as bad as what she did, look up something online (she won't know the difference)) that may get through to her. Contact the school and tell them about this because I'm sure they don't want kids running around with exacto knives. Also if you feel like making a statement DONT get her anything that fades scars, just so she has that reminder about bad decisions forever.

Answer 3

Your daughter, as I am sure you know, is entering a very difficult stage of her growth as a human being. Everyone else at school is oding it so my guess would be that she is trying to fit in, but just how many children are doing it? As for your daughter, ask her what feelings she thinks she has for this boy that would drive her to mutilate the one body she is ever going to have. Try going and doing something that she loves to do that you can tolerate, suprise her by not going off the deep end just yet. If you are able to get it to where it is just you and her and have been having a good time together doing whatever it is she chooses to do, ask her really why she decided to do that to herself. And if she can honestly tell you that she thinks that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what she did than you need to let hr know that what she did was wrong. Let her know that it hurt not only her im sure but you too, as you and share a special mother-daughter connection. Let her know that you thought you could place your trust in her that she wouldnt do that. See what her response is and then answer and react most importantly with love and grace, because she will more than likely be on the defensive and may say some pretty crazy things but you just have to stay calm and reason with her as best you can.

Now as far as these children doing this to themselves as a mass act, you need to contact the school and have them put stop to it, that is absolutely appalling to hear that a school would allow 12 year olds to do such tihngs to themselves.

Whatever your outcome is you have my prayers, and thoughts. If you care enough about your daughter ask on here then I am sure you guys will get through this:-).

Answer 4

She's a kid. She really has no choice but to hear what you say and she really does want guidance. If she likes the boy, his initials in her arm r possibly the only way she sees him being hers. Tell her to respect the body God gave her especially since it is the only one she has. Also, tell her the dangers of cutting in general (rupturing a vein) and about sterilization (diseases are rampant). She will always have to make her own decisions regardless, so what's important is not what you tell her, because that's "just your opinion" in a kid's eyes. What you show her, that she can explore and grow in, that, she will keep with her forever:
Sunday school.
Good preteen books.
Your own experiences (an absolute fave of every kid).

Also, it is very important that she takes you seriously. Be serious.

Answer 5

He must be a pretty cute boy, lol. Sounds to me like she doesn't respect your authority. Don't fall into the trap of trying to be her friend all the time. I suggest taking something she loves away from her such as tv, cell phone, computer, etc. Do it out of love, not anger. You should do a little research and find the health risks associated with her actions too. If she shows remorse for what she has done, then you've gained her respect and helped her take another step in maturity. Good Luck!

Answer 6

You've talked about it and you felt that you got through to her, so she has probably succumbed to overwhelming peer pressure to do it. Unless the initials are tiny and barely perceptible, at this point, I think that it's okay to talk tougher. You have a right to be disappointed and angry.

If you express your anger, emphasize the danger and make it crystal clear that you don't want to see any more of it, then she is off the hook from pressuring friends. "My mom said she would kill me if I did it again."

You can also tell her that, if she makes a scar, what happens when she stops liking him? Then she's stuck looking at his has-been initials on her skin. But make that the secondary thing. The main thing is that you asked her not to do it, she agreed and then did it, anyway, and that is disrespectful and unacceptable to you

Answer 7

Find out if you know anyone that knows anyone who used(is a) to be a cutter, adults/older teen perfe locally that you can meet. Let your daughter see all their scars. Years and years of cutting will take its toll, maybe the images will stick with her and help her understand what she does now will affect her for the rest of her life. If its just the boys initials, shes exploring ways to show her affection for him and how she cares for him, the type of boy he is, this maybe the things he is into and shes trying for his attn (most lilkey he's a cutter). Talk to her about other ways she could show it. (kudos already for being open w/ her, mine never was/is), help her find other ways of showing affectin for him. Is she intrested in painting? get her a canvas and some good paints. Or a writer? A nice, classy notebook and maybe fancy genuine fountain pen. Or singing/writing songs.? An instrument? maybe she can express her feelings that way. She NEEDS a way to get out her confusion and emotions. I know that one very well.

But i wouldnt' be tooo worried or upset over it. As you said, shes a teen and is trying figure things out. Be patient with her. You sound as if you two have a good realtionship already.

Answer 8

I did something simiar around the smae age- I am now 25. Back then, the cool thing was also carving, but with ERASERS. It was called an eraser burn, and you basically kept erasing your skin until it bled..... stupid, huh? My artwork was a boy's initals on my ankle, but because of the position I was in to carve it, you couldn't tell it was a J E ...... my poor mom was so upset, she thought it was some sort of gang symbol because it was sideways. After about 5 years, it faded away. I was in trouble, but there would have been nothing she could do to keep me from doing it again, simply because all of my friends were doing them. Hang in there, this is one of many stupid fads....

Answer 9

wow, i'd want to beat the crap out of my daughter. i also have a 12 year old, and if she came home with that on her arm, all her privileges would be taken away, and i would seriously think about having her go to a counselor of some sort, if she did that now, after you talked to her, no telling what else she might do out of peer pressure. hopefully she didnt use the same one someone else did, bring her to the doctor too.

Answer 10

Every kid wants to fit in and try not to be a outsider. Let her know that fitting in isn't right. To be like everyone else like a robot. Tell her to be unique. Now with carvings or things like that it get stupid let her know she'll regret things like that when shes older and she'll wish things were different.

Answer 11

its not "their version of tattoos" Its called scarification.

while being totally irresponsible, i just thought i would let you know.


I have an 11 year old an di would be furious, BTW. i would explain to her that doing things to her body that are permanent are inappropriate until she is old enough to decide these things for herself are unacceptable. She could write on her notebooks all she wants abotu this boy and i could care less....


on the other hand, maybe something more than just "liking" this boy is going on?