How do I stop trying to change my husband and just accept that he'll never change?

Question

He's not physically abusive or cheating, but I'm not happy in our marriage. Anything I've done doesn't get through to him or just doesn't work. I'm not perfect either, but I'm Always the one compromising and he's always getting his way. I'm afraid I'm going to resent this and end up doing something drastic like cheating or something later on...

Answer 1

I understand the situation that you are in, and I believe the best thing for you to do now is set some personal bounderies. I think only you should only compromise what you can stand to lose. Meaning if its gonna cause you to do something you really believe in than don't do it. You only wind up more disappointed in yourself for making the compromise. Also witht that being said don't use his mistakes/shortcomings in excuse for you to misbehave. That will only complicate the situation even more. As far accepting him for who is he is, this as you know by now should have been done prior to marriage. Going forward you should just do it. There is no secret to it. You start by respecting that all people are different. And his way although its different from yours doesn't equal wrong.

Answer 2

My husband and I have been together 10 years and we get in what we call our "ruts"! We are just HOPEFULLY coming out of one now. When we are in these ruts I am miserable. I feel so distant from him, almost like i do not even know him. We do not talk, we aren't intimate and we argue and bicker about everything. This usually happens when times are stressful and we may be having financial stress or stress brought on by his exwife, you know, Satan! LOL! Anyway, we eventually snap out of it and things go back to normal, whatever normal is. :) Anyway, maybe you guys are in one of these ruts. I am not sure, but all marriages have a certain degree of resentment. It is inevitable when you live with someone 24/7 not to let resentment and aggravation build up. I also know what ya mean about him always getting his way. Doesn't it seem like it is always the husband who doesn't have to compromise. I do not know why that is. It used to be like that in my marriage, but I just made the decision to stand my ground and stick to what I wanted to do. I MADE him learn to compromise and sacrifice a little. I gave him no choice. I still compromise, but I make him meet me half way instead of me always having to give 100%. Over time he just adapted to this new way of life. You need to really look at the BIG picture here. Do you still love you husband. Why did you marry him in the first place? Was he like this when you fell in love with him? If things do not get better soon then I would start considering alternatives but give it a chance to get better. You guys might just be going through a temporary phase. Good luck.

Answer 3

I was in a relationship like that for a very long time and I always worked thru whatever I had to for 22 yrs. In the end when I caught him cheating, he actually thought that because I always got over everything else that I'd want to work thru that too. When we met 4 days later to discuss a separation agreement (I had already filed for divorce, he just didn't know it yet,) the first words out of his mouth was "I hope you know there can be no recociliatio.... then his jaw dropped and he stared as I had busted out laughing hysterically.
Honestly the resentment that I felt toward him for all the years of misery was nothing compared to the resentment I felt toward myself for wasting so much of my life on someone that I couldn't be happy with.

Answer 4

Try to focus on the reasons why you married him in the first place. There had to have been some pretty compelling things about him for you to say "I do" - don't lose sight of them.

And pick your battles. You can't have every little thing "your way"; figure out what the most important things are, try to work them out, and ignore or accept the rest. If you're resentful about every small detail, the problem is yours, not his. If it's something big, like him disrespecting you, talk to him very seriously and communicate how it makes you feel. If such conversations tend to cause arguments, try putting your thoughts into an e-mail for him, or discuss it on the instant messenger - I'm not kidding. It works for some people.

Answer 5

You need to read what you posted on here again I think. Just because you feel like you don't always get your way your going to cheat on your husband, risk your marriage and your family?? You are the one with the problem here not him. I bet that he does alot of nice things for you, and he does do things that you ask, but anytime he says no you take it as a personal attack and forget all the good things and hold on to that resentment. My sister sounded alot like you, she got married to a really nice guy but she is a ***** for lack of a better word. and she would throw fits and complain about him being mean to her and it all was from he wasn't her slave, she ruined her marriage and is miserable because she can see what she did and wishes she could have seen it, that is what you are heading towards! Go see a councilor if you want to save your marriage, I am only seeing this from your side so I can only make my opinion based on these facts, not trying to paint you as a bad person, just you need to see what you are doing.

Answer 6

That's the stupidest thing I have read on here today, and that's saying something. Nobody can make you cheat if you have high integrity, and if you don't, then you are just another lame person with low integrity.

People with high integrity don't cheat. People with confidence don't become somebody else's doormat or marry somebody who is inflexible.

He may have problems, but it's time to take a long look in the mirror.

Answer 7

Ground rules. Write it out on paper. Find out areas where he will not budge and where you will not budge. Perhaps he feels like he is compromising for you and that you always get your way. Sometimes our feelings do not always represent the truth 100%. It's best to have a little meeting about it. Sit down and get everything written down so you both can view it. He may come to realize how many sacrifices you actually make once he sees your list and compares to his. Sometimes seeing is believing.

Answer 8

Sounds like your at that point NOW.
You of course have more than one option.
Probably the smartest thing is COMMUNICATION.
You both have to have a serious talk.(NO GAMES).
Chances are better than good that he knows exactly what he is doing by ignoring you.
You also have the option of a Counselor, if he balks here you know he is strumming you like a guitar or (Playing Games) with your feelings and emotions.
No one likes an ultimatum, but you may need to lay one down, but in doing so you may create hostility, because he now knows that you have found out his little game of taking advantage of the situation.
Good Luck.
Don

Answer 9

Take a minute to ask yourself if these issues are worth changing. If they are then see if there is any issues that you can change about yourself to help. I know you said you are always the one compromising. Try sitting him down in a moment that you are not angry or irritated. Focus on one specific thing that you want him to change. In your conversation..us "I messages". (ex.: I feel like.... or when you say/do this, it makes me feel) Then go on to explain that as you are feeling this way you don't know how to handle your feelings. Put the ball in his court and ask, "should I be stronger or is there something you can do to help me?" Try your best not to be harsh or accusatory. Men shut down when this occurs. Otherwise be patient and pick your battles. God bless.

Answer 10

yes, 4 months into being married myself (for the first time). I feel your frustration. I can top this! mine will not get a job, we now have no place to live and are living with my mom! he still won't work, he drinks and stays up all night, won't let me sleep and bitches about money (yeah, with no job) and still, I go home, cook, clean earn the money and he ALWAYS gets his way. I give this marriage another 3 to 4 months before I call it quits. By chance did you get married in July? it seems to be a bad luck month for everyone I've talked to.