What's wrong with my marriage?

Question

How would you explain your husband of 2 years lose interest in you? I mean intimate, physical interest. We're seeing a therapist who has asked him if he's gay (in front of me), and I've asked him the same. Also believe he's not cheating. He denies anything. He can go months without any sex. He's a touchy person. He told me once that holding hands was just fine for him - I said it wasn't for me. So our lives are like roommates and sharing household expenses. I sleep with a log next to me. I planned a romantic getaway at a B&B, and he was focused on trekking the town, and was tired and fell asleep by the time we got back. He is taking some meds for mild depression and low testosterone - but he put both all off til I asked him to do something. Is this possible or am I in a non-human relationship? Do you think he knows what's going on and doesn't tell me? I'm becoming numb too, and it's not healthy. There's no emotion. It wasn't like this when we were dating.

I've tried the play sexy game with no response from him, he just lays there, or sometimes pulls away (he says he's joking). He doesn't even notice if I'm naked or wearing new underwear (no weight issues). I've told him, it takes two - if he didn't respond, I'm not going to try anymore. So I'm at that point, I'm not even interested in hugging him or caressing him. And he doesn't either. He tries once in a while. But I'm already turned off by his lack of interest.

Oh, it's the therapist who suggested he get on anti-depressant and low thyroid/testosterone, and he had put it off until I asked him to do something about it.

Answer 1

You can't explain something like that.

Try to see your therapist by yourself, and ask their clinical opinion about his mental state. I was once in a simliar situation with my now ex-and the therapist's diagnosis was that he was Narcissistic. Narcissism is a mental issue that you'd need to read a lot about to even scratch the surface.

While dating, my ex was totally in to me-but once we married it was as if a switch flipped. He was so totally a different person, not at all who I thought I married. We had two children-very surprising since we had sex so infrequently! And then, after having the second child-NO sex. He wouldn't respond to a touch, nothing. The therapist could only explain it as the "madonna/whore" syndrome-I read many books and studies about the illness. In the end, he just left us.....I came home from work one day, and he was gone.

After he left, I found out from his ex that they lived together for 8 years- he fathered 2 children with her, too, and left before the second child was 18 months old. Her story chilled me to my bones because he left before our second child was a year old. Of course, there are many other details to this tragic story-too long to go into for your answer. But your statement that "there's no emotion" hit the hardest. I know exactly what you mean. My Ex could sit in the same room, and tune everything out completely until it was as if he was catatonic-no response to anything. And he stayed that way until he wanted to respond-sometimes hours, sometimes days. He really tore me apart, hurt our children, it was such torture I can't even explain it.

Let me just say that when I read your question-it echoed in my memory chamber, and I remember how I felt,too.(Ugly, worthless, fat, etc.) Your man may have some impotence issues, mid-life crisis or other mild stuff. I hope it is not a deeper issue like narcissism, because I found out that there is no cure for that, and you will twist yourself inside out until there is no "you" left at all......

Talk to your therapist. Tell him/her everything that you notice about his behavior! Hopefully, he will snap out of it.

In the meantime, remind yourself daily that you are a beautiful desirable incredible woman! Remind yourself daily that you do not have to see yourself through what you think are his eyes! Remind yourself daily that HE does not define your beauty-it comes from inside of you as a gift from GOD!

And when you need to be held, kneel down at the foot of your bed, and rest your upper body on the bed-close your eyes, and feel God's arms surround you..imagine the light of His Love warming you & your room. Know that He loves you, always-even if it feels like no one else does. You are His precious daughter, and He will carry you through this and any other hurt. Stay there, in His arms.....you will be amazed at how peaceful you will be! Pray for your husband.

Answer 2

You don't list your age, that could be key here. Also, depression meds can KILL sex drive, it happened to me. But since you are seeing a therapist that should have been already asked and asnwered. If not, get a new therapist or go see a medical doctor. If he suffers from low testosterone, that is a key factor to a mans sex drive. What other stressors are there, kids, family, job, money? You therapist should explore all this with you. If not, get a new one. At the end of the day, you might have to accept that you just don't turn him on any more. No fault of your own. In that case, since sex is so important to you, and rightfully so, it may be time to move on. You could explore having him let you have a boyfriend, open marriage can work for some people. Good Luck.

Answer 3

You say he's on antidepressants. Well if this is the case some of these meds suck the sex drive right out of you. Depression does the same thing. How do I know? I suffer from severe depression and I've taken several that have had this side effect. If the depression doesn't mess up your sex drive some of the medications they give you will. Hubby complained to me that I was like living with a NUN. I had no sex drive what so ever and sex to me didn't matter at all. In fact I couldn't care less if I ever had sex again. Your husband should talk to the doctor about changing his medication. It should take a few weeks for the drugs to work their way out of his system and he'll be back to normal. I'm taking Paxil at the moment and I'm back to normal in the bedroom. I hope this helps. I can sympathize with you ,as well as your husband...cause I know how the poor guy feels. As for the no emotions...that's how I felt as well. Hubby would want sex and I'm like a zombie..."Okay I'll just lay there do your thing and let me know when it's over". I felt nothing. Hopefully this will help, from what I've read from your post it's the medication he's on and the depression. It's not you.

Answer 4

It's the depression, it's not you. I went through and probably still am in a major depression and you will lose interest in everything! it has nothing to do with you not being pretty or him loving you anymore. Just do the best you can to make him happy and he'll come around, it might take months (yeah months) which sucks but it will happen. Stick with him through it even though I can see how this situation is very painful for you. I think you two will be okay in the long run.

Answer 5

Depression and medications can both cause a loss of sexual drive. However, he should be in treatment for these problems. I lived for 24 years with a husband who had NO sex drive. I can tell you this is the loneliest life you can imagine! The two of you need to speak with the doctor. Therapy won't help if there's a physical problem. It's not normal and I'm sure you are miserable. If I had the chance to do it over, I would not have stayed in an emotionally dead marriage!

Answer 6

When was the last time his regular doctor gave him a complete physical including a hormone check? ( ESPECIALLY thyroid , etc )

Also you do not give enough information. Does he use any drugs? Does he drink alcohol regularly? This can affect many things concerning libido and emotional stability and well being emotionally.

It is ok for you to make an appointment with his regular physician and impart any information you think the doctor might need that your husband might be too shy to tell. BE as one and not as twopeople who see each other every now and then..even if he cannot handle it right now. LOVE is not just sex. It means watching out for your spouses physical and emotional well being too especialy if they seem unable to handle it for themselves.

Make sure he eats better including yogurts.. live bacillus milk.. aged cheeses, a daily vitamin including minerals... do what you can to encourage him no matter what it takes. You chose him above all others. Now do what needs to be done even if it makes you tired. In good health and in bad health takes sometimes ...far more than people expect or imagine. But that is what love is. More than we expect or can imagine. Hang in there girl.


Men have hormone problems too sometimes. Be patient and learn alot more.

Answer 7

Wow I don't know honey. I don't think its you though, its definitely something with him. He denies being gay? You didn't indicate what his answer was when asked. This isn't something that I believe is going to drastically improve ( for example, become a raging sex fiend in a few months) and you are going to have to make a decision how important physical intimacy is to you because it doesn't look like your husband is reciprocating or has interest in doing so. I hope for your sake things get better.

Answer 8

I don' t really have an answer to your question but......
that sounds exactly like me in my marriage of 2 years as well. I sound like your husbandt hat you describe in your question. My wife and I argue more often, we do make up but usually about a week later it seems like the same issues keep resurfacing. My sex drive is about as low as it can get, which is a major reason why we fight so much and I don't know myself why it is so low. I am not gay!!, not on any medication. I have fantasy's about other women, just none with my wife. I still love my wife, but am I still in love with her is the question I have to figure out. We have both even talked about who gets what if we get divorced which is sad to say. Looking back it seems that spark we once had in our relationship began to fade when we got engaged and moved in together. I dunno anymore....

Answer 9

It sounds like the depression and low testosterone are really to blame. Sometimes, performance anxiety can also damage his self esteem. Keep going to the therapist, either with him or alone.

Answer 10

If he is not gay and he is not cheating on you it could be his mistress is masturbation sorry I know that sounds gross but that kinda sounds like it. You cannot compete with masturbation it is available to him anytime it is quick and has to put forth very little effort. Getting him to admit that is another story.

I wish I had a answer for you but I don't. I am only guessing but that is what it sounds like to me. I don't think this is about you I think this is about him.

You are going to have to push him to get more active in your sex life plan a date night tell him you are going out to dinner or a movie or it could be a simple rent a movie at home don't leave out any details tell him you expect this date to end in intimacy so he will be prepared. don't give up you can bring him around. Good luck