my daughter was sexually abused by my ex-husband?

Question

5 years ago I called 911 when my 9 y.o. daughter told me what happened between her and my then husband. He was arrested but we left the country to avoid all the stress. He was released from jail. We divorsed.
I came to an understanding that he just touched her inapropriately. But now I found out that she thinks he actually raped her and feels that I did not defend her enough and she lost her trust in me. I don't know were to find help.

Answer 1

I am not sure what state you live in but a Child Advocacy Center could help you if there is one in your area. If not call a rape crisis center or department of family and children services (they are referred to as different things in different states, DFCS, DSS, ect.) in your area. One of these places will be able to direct you in the right direction.
Please know that everything you and your daughter is experiencing is not uncommon for someone in your situation. You and your child need to get into therapy. Alot of children that are sexually abused begin too feel resentment towards their non offending parent because they feel like they should have protected them, even though the non offending parent may have had no clues that anything was happening. Your child is going through the "hard teenage years" right now and really needs to deal with what happened to her. Not always, but so many times children that have been sexually abused begin to "act out" sexually in their teenage years because they are confused about love and sex due to what happened to them. Counseling is the key. Try your best to be understanding to your daughter and gently explain that you didn't realize what was happening and if you had you could have protected her more. Also understand that children handle different situations differently, a child that has been touched inappropriately can be just as traumatized as a child that has been raped. I know that at one time (it may vary from state to state) statute of limitations is 7 years. So if he in fact raped her and was never charged with that crime, you could file charges. To look into that contact your local sheriff's department and speak with an investigator. Good luck.

Answer 2

I'm not sure if your daughter was 9 at the time or 9 now, either way though she feels and believes that it happened. My personal feelings as a dad myself, believe her and suggest that you both talk with a counselor who specializes in molest issues with minors. I'm not sure if you are here in the states or not. There are a number of good pediatricians in the field through out the states. She feels that you didn't do enough at the time I'm wondering at the time what the District Attorney suggested in the matter. Since charges were filed he was arrested, did they let him go because you didn't stay around or did the lawyer tell you to leave? If you left on your own I can see why she would feel that way. He did something wrong, he was arrested but since you were trying to look out for her best interest at time time, he was released. It's a very hard thing to try and figure out what is right when trust is broken, I know as my ex abused our children yet in a slightly different way. I believed them yet in our case there wasn't much that could be done since there was no evidence, which is a very important factor on a D.A. trying to push forward a case. As I mentioned a good counselor specialist in abuse could help in many ways.

Answer 3

Did they run the rape kit on her at the hospital? If you didn't talk to her then, you should find out from the police report or the doctor that she saw at the time. I mean, gosh, that's a big difference!

You need to talk to her daughter, and tell her that you didn't know. She might be exaggerating because she wants attention, she might be telling the truth now. In any case, you must gain her trust back before you guys get too distant. She is also going through the teens, so she sometimes might be overreacting.

Maybe recently she lost her virginity and there was no blood, so a guy accused her of lying to him for saying that she was virgin. So now she thinks that she was raped then. You need to find out why she is changing the story suddenly.

Answer 4

You and your daughter need to see a counselor, both together and separately. There is no such thing as 'just' as far as child molestation goes. You didn't say whether your husband was her father, if he's not then her father should be involved in the counseling (if he's around).
What she's feeling is totally normal. There is a huge desire to put blame everywhere except where it belongs. It may be her fault in a couple of months.

But you need to get her the help she needs and you need to be active in her treatment. Find a counselor she likes (it will be difficult) and keep looking until you do - a woman would probably be better.

If you don't take care of this you are risking not only future complications for her and any future relationship she has, but also your relationship with her. My sister wasn't even the victim in our family situation, I was and she is still so angry with our mother for not protecting me and it's been 14 years..

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Hi, this really sucks. Maybe what you really should do is talk to your ex husband and see what he says. No offense but maybe your daughter is feeling guilty about what happened and is trying to put blame on someone else, so she is exaggerating a bit???

There is nothing you can do to help her now. Things like that happen to good people, your ex has been in jail for that and that is the end of the story - you did your best. YOu are not a mind reader and you were not there whenever those things happened.
Your daughter is 14 now and it is difficult age (my step-daughters are that age). They will milk you for every little mistake you made. In this case she should be blaming your ex and not you. (Was he her bio-father? - that could be a different story depending on the situation).

Answer 6

Well first off counseling would be a good start. She needs o get her story straight and be honest about what happened.
You don't want someone convicted of something that he didn't do. If he has already been tried and convicted, he can not be charged with the same crime and incident twice, that's called double jeopardy. Now if he was convicted of only touching her inappropriately , and she she is now telling you her raped her, that is different he could be charged again.
The other thing is rape is going to be difficult to prove because it has been to long and obviously to late for a rape kit to be done. If you want to know for sure take her to the doc and tell them the situation, they have ways of checking to see if there was in fact any penetration at all. The one question that would be raised in court is why did she wait to tell this to you??? Good Luck.......

Answer 7

You need to get her in counseling NOW!! Like TODAY!! Seriously, I was molested when I was 11 by a neighbor and when I was 32 I started having horrible flashbacks and realized he raped me!!! It's as terrifying at 32 as it was at 11 because you are actually re-living it all and you can't believe you ever blocked something so terrible from your memory. If she has come to you with this then she trusts you and more importanly she is asking for help, don't let her down. DONT, or you will loose her forever.

Answer 8

Well i was molested when i was 3 or 4 by my older cousin and i felt that my mom really didn't do nothing but she did in do time it was 4 months later that he was put in jail for touching a toddler in a wrongful way and now he's no longer allowd to be around young children i think your daughter will get over not trusting you don't worry just put it in God's hands and everything will be just fine.

have a bless day

Answer 9

First of all... did your EX confess to this? I'm not judging here. I want all the facts. Your daughter sounds like she is grasping for attention if after 5 yrs she is bring up a "maybe" & resenting you for something that was out of your control. I'm so very sorry... you have your hands completely full here. And how sad if this is all false... I wish you all the best... I would get her some help! You're going to need outside help!

Answer 10

Oh, wow. I feel your frustration. I would be pissed off too if I was in your situation, but there's really nothing you can do about it. You can't really tell her what to do. It's her life, and it's unlikely that she'd listen to you anyway. People can often go through phases like this. There is nothing you can do to stop it, and telling her what to do will only make her angry. Distance yourself a little more. Let this all play through on it's own.