I really have no feelings for my ex husband, I'm just upset that he tries to take me to court and always loses but he doen't get the point that the kid's really don't know him because coming around once a month won't do anything for their relationship. He has all the time of day to watch tv but doesn't work, doesn't pay the 20,000.00 he owes in arrears of child support, and he doesn't visit more then once a month. I am taking him to court in December for the arrears, and he is trying to modify it im still waiting for the motion, but why is he always in my thoughts like about court and paperwork, my journal it just like never goes away and it feels like that's all i think about. I love my NEW husband and my kid's but I just always have my ex and his stupid stuff in my head and I want to know how to get it out...ANY NICE HELP IS APPRECIATED...STORIES about you would be appreciated to, to know that IM not the only one that feels like this????Maybe??Or am i? What can I do to stop?
2007-11-01 02:54:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't think you are over him. Yes he is a piece of trash, yes he has done unbelievable things to you and your child, yet your still not over him. The things they have done to us should make us hate them but we dont..........we just don't!! I wonder if your new husband was what you thought was "the answer" to finally letting go of your ex and now even with the marriage vows behind you, you find yourself in almost the same predicament you were in before you ever said "I do"? I think you want to love your husband and commit whole heartly to him but until you close the book on your past he is only going to have part of you. Ask yourself this....is that fair to him? Is that what you would be satisfied with if the tables were reversed? I have asked myself this question many times and of course the answer is no!
I am in the EXACT same situation you are to a T and the things I am doing may help you if you are willing and open to try some of them, but it means truly letting go of your past. The first thing is I went to counseling because I finally realized my life had become unmanigeable and I was obesessed with my ex. I learned through therapy that I am codependent which in a nutshell means "I want to fix everyone" and I have always thought that if I could just love him enough and help him enough he would come back to being the man I fell in love with, the good man noone see's anymore......WRONG!! The only person I can "fix" is me and being codependent is an illness, just as real as alchoholism or drug addiction. My addiction is my ex husband. So I changed my cell number which for me was HUGE and of course he can't contact me any longer except for through my office phone and that is only in the case that he is going to see his son. So granted he never calls. Getting myself away from hearing about all his problems helped me to start focusing on me.
As for my new marriage, it's better without the distraction of my ex, but it's going to take time and healing to ever be a true and committed marriage and I am open with my husband enough that he understands that. His patience is amazing and truly a gift of love to me and our family. I don't think it's about the money for you (child support), so if you are really ready to move on with your life why not see if this guy is willing to let your husband adopt the kids? In your situation this would be a "problem solved". YOU HAVE TO LET THIS GO OR IT IS GOING TO NOT ONLY DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE BUT YOUR LIFE!!!
2007-11-01 04:27:46 · answer #1 · answered by LilSunbeam 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have never been married but I know kinda how you feel. I have an ex (from 4 years ago) and we dated for 3 years and had a really emotionally draining realtionship. There was also a little abusive involved. Anyway, Its weird b/c i find myself thinking about him sometimes (and even missing him at times). It doesnt make any sense b/c it was a very bad relationship. Anyway, I think its hard to not think about the your ex, no matter how crappy they are. From now on any time you cant get him out of your head, tell yourself how lucky you are to have a new wonderful husband and think about the beautiful children you two share. And also try to think about how much better off you are now that you arent married to this jerk. It sounds to me like you have a pretty great life despite having him in it and try to focus on the positive and not let him do anymore damage to you emotionally anymore!
(its easier said than done, so Good luck!!!)
2007-11-01 03:19:00 · answer #2 · answered by Princess M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you. I have been through divorces and child support procedings in my life, Fun? not so much.
Do you still love him? And if you do, what in the world are you thinking, he is a bum, a low-life scum and a dead beat dad. Or as some would say a "sperm donor" He is not worth a second of your time or a mustard seed sized section of your thoughts. I think that because you and he have been dragging this thing out so long it forces you to consider him. My advise would be to treat him and these hearings as the minor little nuisance they are and focus on your new (I hope better) husband and kids. You have so much to live for. Your kids are going to bring you great joy, sadness, pride and a world of other emotions. He is insignificant in their lives and no more than an irritation in yours. He will go away. Let him.
You don't have to take him to court, it will eventually catch up to him. Trust me. Get yourself uninvolved with him. Take your children by the hand and lead them, show them what love is, teach them to become the adults you would want them to be. They need you to be their guide, their teacher and mostly their mom. Give your time , your thoughts and your life to those you love you and respect you. Life is short, live it.
You my friend can worry about world peace, starvation, the environment, sports, what to wear...does this accomplish anything? The only things you should concern yourself with in life are the things you can control. If you can't control it, it's not your problem to worry about. Have concern if you will, but don't worry. For instance I am concerned for you, but since I am not you I can only hope to influence you and by no means can I control you. Control is the key to be worry free!
Have faith, stay strong and consider the gifts life has given you. Be wise, be strong and you will be free.
2007-11-01 03:15:40 · answer #3 · answered by Yoda 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are not alone. My ex's drama was always popping up and in my thoughts. But it passed. I would sugest that you stop taking him to court. If you have survived this long with no child support, then you will be fine until it all catches up with him. He will end up paying someday, even if the kids are adults by then. Stop letting his drama effect you, when it pops into your head just dismiss it. It will be hard at first but you are training your mind, then it will just happen automatically. It stinks for your kids that he doesn't see them much but all you can do is be there for your kids. Don't make excuses for him and don't discuss it with him anymore. Just accept that it is what it is and you have no control over him. If he chooses to ruin his relationship with his kids, then that is on him and one day it will haunt him. You have to stop talking to you all together, unless HE calls and wants to see the kids. Don't call him unless one of the kids are in the hospital!!! Like I said before, this will be dificult at first but once you train your self to stop and NOT do it....it will just stop all together and with ease. You have to just let him go COMPLETELY, not just intimately and physically but all emotions. I still care if my ex were to get into a car accident or something but otherwise he is on his own.....and it feels so great!!
2007-11-01 03:11:32 · answer #4 · answered by misbotta 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Been through the same thing with my ex. We were going to court a lot and it consumes your life. My wife and I spoke about almost nothing else for a long time. Funny how people with no money for their kids come up with money for lawyers huh????? My ex got worn out and has slowed it all down and out life has gone back to normal, just took time. Hang in there and make sure this does not over take our current marriage. God bless.
2007-11-01 03:00:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are going through a common thing. Try to look at it differently. Maybe he is not coming through with the child support. You will still be okay, with or without it. Trust me on that. Get a job and support your kids too. But try to look at it all as you being the fortunate one. You have the children. He is without them. View his side too. He misses his kids, and maybe even you. He lost the stability he once had with having a family and the kids around, he is angry, at you, at himself. Lots of things.
You, on the other hand, may be acting immaturely with this matter. Just start doing other things for diversion of thoughts. Enjoy the kids and do things with them, remember, no matter what, He is their father, they love him. You need to be civil and kind for the sake of the kids. You can be divorced and be friends, at least for the kids.
Let go of the stupid anger you hold and the rest will be a smoother ride.
2007-11-01 03:04:18 · answer #6 · answered by itsmegizzy 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
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2016-10-03 02:19:36 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The bum is always going to be in your life, you had his children... Once you get through the court stuff you may be able to relax and put him out of your head for a few days at a time. It's just your life, not much you can do about it... Much luck to you.
2007-11-01 03:00:26 · answer #8 · answered by kitkat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Make an effort to put him out of your mind, he is not worth it. He is lazy and a dead beat, he does not care about his children well fare. Get on with your life and make something meaning full for your children to remember.
2007-11-01 03:00:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you want closure.
Thinking about an ex doesn't necessarily mean that you miss them or are thinking you didn't make the right decision.
Perhaps you want an apology?
Or maybe you want him to tell you why he did this or that?
2007-11-01 02:59:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋