Will I miss my husband after he's gone, even though I don't love him anymore?

Question

We've been married for 5 years, living together 8 and knowing eachother 10 years. He cheated on me last year and since then, I just feel love has diminished and am not in love with him anymore. After much consideration, I decided it would be best for us to separate instead of living a life of hell and give him the opportunity to find a woman who will really love him and understand him for what he is.

Although I am sure about my feelings, is it normal to miss him, even though I know I don't love him?

He hasn't left yet, but I keep thinking about when I'll be on my own and keep wondering if it is normal to feel that way. I don't hate him, to the contrary, I do care about him but that does not mean I love him.

Oh God, it would be so much easier if I could just love him and get on with our lives. Its painful to see how it hurts him, but I do believe I am doing the best for both of us.

Answer 1

I think you will miss him at first but as you get on with your life you will be excited to face a new day. Try and be excited about starting over, look at all the positive things and think what adventure awaits you.
I understand how much it hurts to hurt someone, sometimes it is worse then you being hurt, but it seems as though he is responsible for this and you cannot be responsible for his actions (cheating) you can only be responsible for your own actions.
I've been where you are and I think you are doing the right thing. Congratulations for having the courage to move on!

Answer 2

Well, I am so sorry to hear all this. It sounds like you are having a real down time in the relationship. This is normal of course but nasty for both of you all the same. Now it sounds to me like you are searching for reasons why your husband is unhappy with you and you have made up your mind that there is someone or something that is stopping him from being a loving partner. This isn't your fault of course - sounds to me as if he has taken you for granted and neglected you and the marriage while he worked long hours. You might want to remind him that he couldn't work those hours if he didn't have someone at home minding his children and caring for his home! However, right at this moment in time, I am going to propose that you do nothing significant - you need to let the temperature cool for a little. The best way you can do this is by creating lightheartedness in the home - women are good at this - they have fun with the kids and the make a party atmosphere. Remain polite and friendly with your husband and let him join in if he wishes. At some point, unless his heart has been surgically removed, this will help your husband see the up-side of family life and hopefully remind him how to have fun. I suggest you keep this going for a few months and if he wants to discuss the marriage, tell him that you would love to talk about it but that you think it should wait for a while until things are settled again. At the same time, if finances allow, treat yourself to a new image - men always get curious about you if you make a sudden change without reason and this should start to make him wonder about you instead of the other way around! Now, the hard part...you swan about, new image, happy and fun to be with for at least 3 months...you are a little bit mysterious without being sneaky, doing a few things out of the ordinary...don't ask him whether he is seeing other people - pretend you don't believe he would do such a bad thing. The upshot of this should be an interesting few months - at the end of the time, you will have all the answers you need. Good luck.

Answer 3

you still love him to some degree or it wouldn't be painful to see him hurt but I see from what you write that you were very hurt by this as well, perhaps more than you realize. There is a difference between someone who deliberately cheats on a spouse and someone who gets caught up in a situation and makes a poor decision, which I believe is what he did judging by what you say.
the best thing that you can do is to get some counseling, not so that you learn to love him again but so you can learn that the love is still there and so you can both figure out why he cheated and put that behind you. you can always decide after counseling that you still want the divorce and go ahead with that but from everything you say here I suspect that there is a good chance the day will come when you will regret it if you don't do all you can to save this relationship and move on.
He made a mistake, but few of us can say that we have never made one. There is a long story I won't get into here but it ends with a farmer shooting his horse after it stumbled three times. Your husband has only stumbled once and I think with counseling that may be the only time so that you are taking a chance on throwing your own happiness out along with his if you don't at least try the counseling first before moving on.
Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

I don't think it is possible to live with anyone for so long and not miss them to some degree; you are thinking about changing your whole life and that is scary for anyone. Over the 10 years there will have been so many shared experiences etc that in any circumstances, you are going to miss them being around, and it's difficult to adjust to the idea of being alone. Only you will know with time whether you are missing him just out of familiarity or because you still have feelings for them. If someone was cheating on me, that would create a huge trust issue and a lot of hurt for me, and I would like to think I would have the strength to walk, but until I was actually in that situation, I don't have the right to say what I would do, because no matter what other people have done to us, we can't just turn feelings off for someone we have had a long term relationship with. Maybe the seperation, whether on a temporary basis, or a permanent one, will help you both decide what you want and what you really feel about one another. Until it actually happens, you probably won't know. You must have been hurt by him cheating on you and a natural reaction is to withdraw your own affection for him to prevent being hurt further. Only you know whether you are both willing or able to get over this, and it may be the case that you can't, but until you either decide to separate or talk about it, you won't know. There are no easy answers to a situation like this, very best of luck.

Answer 5

The fact that you miss him and that life would be so much easier if you could just love him tells me that, despite what you say, underneath you do still love him. Atop that love, however, is a thick layer of anger/resentment. This layer has spread to where it now resides, totally concealing your love.

Someday, that layer will evaporate and you will see that you really did love your husband through this time, but you were just unable to see it because of the anger/resentment. The question you would do well to ask yourself is whether you really want to divorce, let the layer evaporate in due time later, and realize when it's too late that you love him. Or, do you want to take a risk, do some hard work, and figure out how you can force the layer to go away by working toward him repenting and you forgiving, while you remain married.

Love doesn't just go away. It's still there, but hidden. You can be proactive and uncover it, or you can be passive and let it be revealed later. Personally, I hope you choose the former.

Answer 6

I don't think this is going to be much of an answer, but thank you for asking my question. Although my husband has never cheated on me I am stuck with that very question (will I miss him) I think you will for a while. I mean I am sure you all had quite the routine, there are going to so many "first time without him's" that you are going to have to get over and hopefully you will feel better and life will make since to you all over again. The one thing you should do is not wait any longer it only gets harder.

Answer 7

Hi,Yes you will miss him, my husband left after we had been married for 25 years, we had been together 32 years i knew he was carrying on i just couldn't catch him but eventually i did. I knew i didn't really love him he killed all that by having an affair but i did miss him when he first went we have not seen him since he left us 5 years ago. You always think of the good times and not the bad, and think "what If" . But honest life goes on i am really happy now i do what i want to do and when i want to do it, i love my life live yours to the full as i do, i am a lot older than you and i have lived and learned and you will do the same. ENJOY your life you sound really sensible and know what you want out of life, and let's face it you only get one chance of life. Good Luck

Answer 8

Yep you are going to miss him you have been apart of each others life's for along time & as you said it's a shame your not in love eny more,to love some one & to be in love is two totaly different things, people do not realise what they have to lose when they cheat exactly the same happend to me,we was'nt married but had been together for along time & yer he now says it's the biggest mistake he ever made but he did'nt think that at the time,I hope you get your life sorted & that you will be happy,try not to get to down,I'm sure you know your makeing the right desistion for yourself & it's your life,good luck hunni.xx

Answer 9

No. You won't.

You will be lonely and might confuse that with missing him, but it is completely different.

As soon as you get used to being alone or find someone else you will not give him a second thought.

He is the one that destroyed the relationship and it is ALL his doing regardless of his excuses for cheating on you. Anything but being unfaithful can be talked through. I'd never forgive it either.

He needs to leave asap. Go and stay with a friend and tell him you'll be back in week and by then you want him gone and want nothing more to do with him. The only contact will be through solicitors. Anything of his that is left get rid of it.

Then you can start rebuilding your life. It sounds to me like you deserve so much better.

Answer 10

I'd say normal, yes, because despite how you feel, in love, out of love, hate or like, you've been together for long enough to miss the habit of him being around, and sometimes, when the pain wears off the good memories resurface......have you ever thought back to old friends fondly even if the ending wasnt great?.....