We have two major problems. The first is that he is an alcoholic and is abusive, verbally and physically when he drinks. The other is he tells me he really doesn't want kids, though he might change his mind in 5 years. We are both 28. I asked him to get professional help and he refuses, saying he will never stop drinking, but will try to be careful about how he treats me which is bull. But this kdi thing is even worse. A) I can not bring a child into this world to have an alocholic as a father and b) If he got help and then in five years decided that he absolutely didn't want them, then I am in my thirties and have to either start all over again or sacrifice my wants to keep him happy. He told me if I get pregnant, he will know I tricked him and leave me alone with the baby. What should I do? My family doesn't know about these problems by the way.
2007-11-01 02:06:33 · 20 answers · asked by Jcord29 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
One thing- I didn't mean i would trick him. I never would because its wrong. I was just sharing his viewpoint if an accident happned- he would assume I tricked him.
2007-11-01 02:10:35 · update #1
either leave him.......or join him
2007-11-04 23:26:18 · answer #1 · answered by antonio c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're in a no-win situation and you need to consider if you want to continue in this marriage. If this man is causing you physical harm, you do need to get away from him. Since you have no children, this should be relatively easy to do, especially if you can move back home.
If you truly want a child by him, you might go ahead and get pregnant, even though you know he'll leave (which might not be a bad idea). You're 28 now. By the time you divorce him and marry again, you'll probably be 32 or 33 years old. If you're willing to wait that long to have a baby, get your divorce and move on. If not, prepare yourself for your husband's absence and get pregnant. You and your child will survive, with or without him.
Your family doesn't really need to know all of what's going on. There's very little they can contribute to the situation, unless it becomes necessary for you to move back home. If you think that's an eventuality, you might want to prepare them. Understand that parents can be very unforgiving, when they think their child is being mistreated. Once they know that your husband has been abusive, they'll most likely hold it against him, even if the two of you get back together. Unless you're pretty sure about leaving him, try not to bring your family into it.
My gut feeling is that 5 years is too long to wait for a man to change his mind--maybe! Were it me, I would get out of this marriage now and make it a clean break. No children means no future ties with him. You may think differently, but that's what I would do.
2007-11-01 10:05:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you go into a domestic violence shelter somewhere each of those women will say about the same thing you are saying now!
the fact that he is only physically abusive when he drinks won't matter when he carries that one step too far and you are dead!!
you also have to consider the fact that there is a possibility that in the future you won't have time for a baby when you have to treat him because of his liver damage or some other condition caused by his drinking.
Now is the time to lay down the law, no drinking or no marriage but I suspect that he will choose his alcohol. You are still young enough to find someone to love who will love you better than the alcohol and you will be far happier, I assure you.
2007-11-01 09:33:07 · answer #3 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I married someone just like that.....it gets worse. I stayed for 10 years and lived in hell, I thought if we had kids it would make him stop. He didn't.Ten years later, I left him and got a job and started over with my kids, who by the way hated the fighting and his drinking. He is remarried and still doing the same thing, but only with someone else. I was remarried after being single for a couple of years, to the greatest man. We just bought a new home and we have a great life. I am 45 and I wish I would have left sooner. My two kids are 13 and 14. They are very happy, but rarely see their dad because of all the fighting and drinking at this house. You have to decide if you think you are worth having a better life. No one can abuse you, unless you allow them to. YOU have allowed and accepted this behavior for yourself, so he thinks it is ok to treat you this way. Stop, thinking with your heart and get a back bone, and be a real woman, and don' t let anyone treat you less...than what you deserve. What kind of life do you want???It is the only one you have. Do you want to spend it like that?? Girl, there are plenty of guys that will treat you better. Don't be so desperate that you have to put up with that.You are still young. No one changes till they are back into a corner. Draw a line in the sand and say this is it. Get love out of the way.....and think with your head and get some self respect..Please for women every where set an example.
2007-11-01 09:23:19 · answer #4 · answered by Godsgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not even sure why you have to think about in this situation.
He's an alcoholic and abusive, but the bigger problem is his not wanting kids? Why would you ever even consider having a baby with this person. You want a child to grow up watching an alcoholic raise hell and beat on them.
You already know it's bull that he's going to keep it in check and be more careful how he treats you. He's not going to remember that when he's drinking.
Get out of the relationship. The fact that your family doesn't know is scarier than anything. Why the hell are you hiding all of this and covering for someone that is abusing you.
If you have a kid with this guy then you are an idiot. What are your plans if you have one - to protect it from him? You obviously can't even do that for yourself, much less a helpless baby.
2007-11-01 09:11:19 · answer #5 · answered by nite_angelica 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he has these problems and does not want help, there is only one thing to do.......START OVER. Why would you even consider children with a drunken abuser??? You are young and have plenty of time to find someone with the same wants that will also love you and take care of you. Tell your family as well, if they love you they will be there for you to help you through the difficult transition. GET OUT NOW!! If you wait and make excuses for him, the only thing that will change is the time you lose. He has no good reason other than his selfishness to make the decisions that he does. God bless.
2007-11-01 09:14:06 · answer #6 · answered by joe 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all I think you need to tell your family about this because you need support from somewhere. If he's abusing you you don't have to put up with that and if he doesn't want to get help then that says right there that he doesn't love you or care about you. I think you need to get out of the marriage cause in the long run it's just going to hurt you emotionally.
2007-11-01 10:34:53 · answer #7 · answered by healthnut 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is best that you don't have children at this stage. Your husband is not ready to be roll model as a father. You must insist that he stops drinking and stop the verbal abuse immediately or else. If he demands what the else is all about, informe him that your are will to move back to your parents till he shape's up and mean it.
2007-11-01 09:15:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
alcoholic, physical and verbal abuser, and wants no kids...hmmm, I see only one good thing out of this. Men like him shouldn't have kids.
Now, what are you doing? What else does this fool have to do or say to make you understand what kind of man he is? Why put up with this? There are a million other men out there to love. And believe it or not, there are GOOD men out there who are not alcoholics, abusers, or threaten to leave. Get this---some even want to be fathers!!!!!!!
2007-11-01 09:11:35 · answer #9 · answered by ron-D 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE him no child deserves that as a father and if he is hitting you then no woman deerves that either or no man for that point........ find someone else better than him and then start a family with him
2007-11-01 09:17:02 · answer #10 · answered by oh_jo123 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he is abusive get out now go to a battered women's shelter its not worth saving and please don't have kids by this man . Do you want your son to treat women the way this man treats you or if you have a girl do you want her growing up thinking its OK if your man hits on you or curse you. seriously kids learn from what they see. If he loves you he will seek help to get you back but don't go back until he seeks help and has completed anger management . this man could kill you it happens
2007-11-01 09:14:25 · answer #11 · answered by chrissy k 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋