i want to start out by saying that my husband and i have a really great marriage. we love each other, we are committed to each other. things are good.
i am just experiencing a little speed bump and i'm not sure how to communicate to him what i need.....
without getting into too much detail, here's the situation.
there are times when things will weigh me down and i'll get upset. then, i try to tell him how i'm feeling, but instead of being receptive and caring, he'll try to make jokes and make light of the situation.
i realize it's a mechanism he uses b/c me being upset makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to deal with it....
however, understanding that doesn't erase the fact that it stings when he does this....kind of makes me feel like he doesn't care when i get upset.
anyone ever have to overcome this with their spouse? how did you get them to turn off the humor and turn on the empathy?
2007-11-01 01:41:46 · 12 answers · asked by joey322 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
p.s.
dont' get me wrong...i LOVE my husband's sense of humor. we have a LOT of fun and laughter in our house. it's not a bad thing at all.....i just need him to "turn it off" sometimes.
thanks everyone....in advance:)
2007-11-01 01:42:54 · update #1
Have a talk with him when you're not upset and explain these things to him. He can't read your mind and he thinks he is doing the right thing by trying to make you feel better. Men, generally, are problem solvers and instinctively want to fix the situation and make their loved ones happy again. Just explain to him that what you want is someone who just listens and is empathetic. Just tell him how you want him to react.
2007-11-01 01:59:31 · answer #1 · answered by mollyflan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I completely understand where you are coming from. i am very much like your husband. At times my wife can unleash a waive of emotional trauma that would sink the Titanic. I have to diffuse the situation to deal with it myself.
the use of any coping device is a sure sign tha the person using the coping device is overwhelmedby whatever is confronting him/her.
the fact that he is using humor to cope shows just how much he really cares. If you want empathy, you are going to have to find a way to meat him half way and tone it down so that he can meet you in the middle without the coping device.
2007-11-01 02:01:07 · answer #2 · answered by cyrusbblackthorne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all don't make him feel like he's wrong. It's his coping mechanism, but if it bothers you it's best to tell him. You could start off by saying, "I know you don't like seeing me upset, but would it be alright if I could lend your ears for some time? It'll help me feel a whole lot better" or " It would make me feel a whole lot better if I get this off my chest, so I would really appreciate it if you could listen to me."
Women release stress while talking about problems, and when we talk we also release negative emotions. He doesn't understand that, so you should tell him so he'll know that when you're talking while upset it's just a way for you to cope with stress.
2007-11-01 03:48:20 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That may be his way of trying to cheer you up and get you out of that upset mood and he perhaps doesn't at all mean to make light of it but that is his way of dealing with that.
you can try to give him another way of dealing with that by telling you are upset and need a dinner at Appleby's for example - or Pizza Hut, or whatever and perhaps that might even cheer you up enough that the jokes don't bother you as much and the change of routine will help him learn to listen and be more empathetic. congratulations for having one of the good marriages!!
2007-11-01 02:12:06 · answer #4 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is uncomfortable talking about the serious stuff. When you want him to understand your feeling, write him a letter on paper and tell him. Then he can read it in private and get the message. If you are lucky he will write back to you.
My 1st husband was like that, but responded well to writing down his feelings. It also keeps you from arguing.
Good Luck.
2007-11-01 01:57:30 · answer #5 · answered by ruby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is his way of being receptive and caring.
Since it's really bothering you, before you vent to him tell him to just listen and all you need is a hug. You can't expect him to change a behavior over night.
2007-11-01 01:48:48 · answer #6 · answered by Jill 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i had the same experience with my husband, it's anoying. what i think you should do is the next time he blows something off in a light hearted manner, leave it go, get back later when he's relaxed and explain how you feel,without being too serious, hopefully he listens.All you could do is try.
2007-11-01 01:59:51 · answer #7 · answered by allley 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My hubby used to do that. I would be mad and hurt over something and he would have the gall to sit there smirking and cracking jokes. It would escalate the situation and the louder I yelled the more he smirked. He's grown up now and doesn't do that any more. Thank God.
2007-11-01 02:33:05 · answer #8 · answered by I39 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lighten up and take life with a grain of salt. Be so glad that he laughes instead of screams. Wish more men were like him.
2007-11-01 01:54:17 · answer #9 · answered by cooter726 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2017-03-02 01:15:14 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋