Do i have to tell my problems to my children?

Question

I've a problem with my husband. Most of the time, my children understand my feeling that i'm hurted. Sometimes, when i get sad, i told them that he's cruel and stupid. They know that he's not a good father. I plan to divorce instead of hurting me and my children. I'm just waiting until my son goes abroad for further education. My son's father is my ex husband, while the daughter's father is the one i live with. She is 8yrs. She understands everything. Does she have to know my problem in detail, do i have to tell her. The boy is 16yrs, no matter whether he knows or not, coz he's matured. I know that my daughter will hurt when we divorce but i've no choice. Pls advice me if i've to tell her everything, our problem. Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

Never ever ever to you involve your children in adult problems. You make them take on too much stress and little guys/girls do NOT know how to deal with it or react to it so they start acting out. You have to stop feeding your daughter negativity about her dad. That is her dad. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, you don't tell your children anything bad about either parent!! Your daughter is 8 and she is being made to be an adult by taking on adult conversations with you. You are her mom, supposed to be there to protect her. Bashing her dad is not protecting her, all that is doing is showing and telling her to be negative as well. Thats not fair to her at all. You need counseling to develop a way to handle the stress that you're dealing with right now, and to find a way to vent without involving your daughter into the mix.

Answer 2

no, you should not go into details with either of your children - and don't tell them that your husband is cruel and stupid. What to tell them - that he did something that made you sad ,perhaps. You say you are waiting till your son goes abroad for further education - when ? this year, next year, 2 years from now? Staying in an abusive situation is not good for them, or you. And sometimes it can take some time to get out so- it might be a good idea to start working on a plan to safely get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and you and the kids will just have more battle scars.
Please be careful, waiting can be fatal. And then take some time to heal, get some counseling so you don't end up in a bad situation again. I just stayed out of relationships for several years to give myself time to heal and to learn about good relationships, and how to spot potential abusers. Women's shelters are so much better at helping out in situations like this.
take care and good luck

Answer 3

I have two children and the pregnancies could not have been more, different. My first was problem free and i felt wonderful, I had a difficult birth but the resulting baby was the most placid baby ever, she is now 10 and she is still a calm, caring child. My second pregnancy was terrible, from the beginning I felt awful, had to give up work I was so poorly. I was in and out of hospital for check ups. I eventually got kept in because of various complications with the pregnancy. Whenever the midwife tried to get a trace on the heart beat she (the baby) moved around too much and they couldn't get one. I had to have a c-section (which supposedly leads to calmer babies). She is now almost four, she has been a nightmare since getting home from the hospital. She barely slept at all as a baby, she still wakes up through the night most nights. She is very naughty, very bad tempered, has tantrums over the least little thing, she once screamed for 45 mins because i stirred her porridge! She has me demented. In conclusion, based on my experience, yes you can tell if a child is going to be a problem child when in the womb

Answer 4

You have no business telling an 8 year old child your marital problems. Neither should you bad-mouth your husband to the children. A 16 year old boy has not matured. He's still a child who needs your guidance, not your insecure behavior. If this man is cruel, get a divorce. Otherwise, find an adult to confide in and stop trying to make allies out of your children. I question whether your husband is cruel or not. You sound like a spoiled brat, rather than a loving wife and mother!

Answer 5

No, she doesn't need to know the details until she is older.
Explain the basics, but try to keep in neutral & not put down her father (however much you may want/feel the need to) as that will end up hurting her more than it will help her. Avoid calling her father names too.
I don;t know your situation but I'd say something like,
"Mummy & daddy love you very much but we dont make each other happy & we think we'd both be happier in the longrun if we split up." as opposed to "your father did this, & that, he is cruel & stupid, I hate him & he is forcing this family apart"
You get the idea.
Whatever you think of your husband, your daughter will love him even if he is an axe-murderer & you calling him names & slagging him off is only going to make her feel bad.
Tell her of the split when you are officially splitting up - don't tell her now & leave it hanging for the next few months until you split up.
If she asks questions, answer them - don't elaborate, just use clear simple answers.
Make sure you make clear to her it's not her fault & how you both love her - if easy for kids to think otherwise if their not told.

Good luck. : )

Answer 6

No - they are children. They do not need to be involved in your relationships. You are their mother and it is your job to make sure they are in a safe and loving environment. If you have no choice - then do it. You being a good mother with sound judgement will ring true more than the possible hurt from the divorce (especially if they see what's going on).

No - don't involve your children. Your daughter will ask later in life and then it will be okay to tell her

Answer 7

NO. Your problems with your husband are YOUR problems, not your childrens' problem. It's hard enough for you to figure out what's wrong, etc., and you're the adult -- imagine how much harder it is for your children!!! Do not make the mistake of treating your children like miniature adults. As she gets older (and I mean OLDER, like late teens/early 20s), you might want to share some of what your problems were, but basically, if you want to unload your problems, do it with an adult friend, not your poor kid.

Answer 8

im in a similar situation except im one of those children. everyone is different ok, but all i can say is that a parent should always put their children first, and a child would be happiest seeing their mother happy and out of a bad relationship. a child doesnt need 2 parents if one is a bad one. ur child is able to pick up and sense the uncomfortableness in ur home and thats not fair

Answer 9

It's always best to explain this stuff to the children involved. I always wished my mother would have told me what was going on when I was a kid, the atmosphere was always so tense and everyone was always either angry or crying. For a child it is more hurtful to be in the middle of all this craziness and not know why. Children tend to blame themselves when they don't have all the facts. And children are much smarter and more adaptive than we give them credit for.
Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you and your children.

Answer 10

She would not understand every detail and probably would not want to know every detail. She sees enough to know that things are bad.

Why you are waiting for your son to go abroad I am not sure. Your husband is abusive and you need to get away from him as quickly as possible. Unless your son would lose the chance to go abroad, I would suggest that you get away from your husband now.

Take care,
Troy