My 25 year old daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for about 4 months. It's really been bothering me ever since she started dating this man. When she'd visit us, she'd have bruises on her face sometimes, but she'd never tell us where they came from. I did some background research on this boyfriend, and discovered that he's been charged with domestic violence in the past. But when I showed my daughter these things, she seemed more annoyed that I was probing into her personal life and told me to mind my own business. I tried to convince her to break up with him, but to no avail.
Now I find out that he proposed and she accepted, and now I don't know what to do. She's an adult now, so I can't tell her what to do anymore, but I fear for her safety. I don't want her to be in a house with a violent man that will beat her. But when I try to tell her this, she goes into denial, and starts defending him, so it appears that she won't listen.
Is there ANYTHING I can do?!
2007-10-31 23:18:01 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There no quick fix to your answer, but you can still have a part or a role to play.
Your daughter like all our daughters do get to the stage where they make chooses and as us being men and girls being ladies, the ladies always tend to see things in men that not all us men can see.
In my opinion her boyfriend has issues and it's for you to find out what it is, you have to build a relationship with him.
Yep that’s right, like the saying goes, ‘Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.
Kicking him up the *** or threatening him will only push your daughter away.
Keeping him close to you and building a relationship with him will gain his trust and trust will then lead to confining with you.
He may even respect you and look at you as a role model or you may even get to like him.
Sometime you have look at the big picture within someone, because as we all know, it not always as it seems and we all don’t know what each and one of us think.
Once you get to know someone and stop judging them for what they are, it not always what we thought or we may even be able to help.
It may even help him to think twice.
I do hope this is of some help and I wish you the best, but once again it not going to be a quick fix but it is a start and I do belive your daughter will respect you for it.
2007-11-01 00:16:47 · answer #1 · answered by Sleepy Beast 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am 25 and have been in an abusive realtionship. Actually, I have been a victum my whole life. I don't know if you believe in God, but first I would tell you to pray. You can ask Him to interviene in a way that will make her see that this is not what she should be doing. Ask Him to let her see behind his mask. I think she is proabably afraid to accept the fact that he is abusive. Unfortunatly, sometimes it takes something drastic to happen before the whole truth comes out. Another thing I can suggest to you is go to some support groups, counselors, a domestic group house and ask as many questions as you can. Yes she is an adult but she is first your child. Although you can't stop her from marrying this jerk but you can be there for when everything goes up in smoke. Trust me, it will and I think the best thing you can do right now is get as much information you can. Adventually you may have to do something that will cause for an intervention which might even mean taking her away physically depending on how bad the situation is. COme up with a plan on what to do in what if cases. I hope this helps and if you need anything else you can IM me. smittyhill2003. It's yahoo messenger. Good Luck and God bless.
2007-10-31 23:30:21 · answer #2 · answered by southern comfort 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That is such a difficult situation to be in, I really feel for you. It sounds like she is already defending him, and after only 4 months that control level can't be good. Is he the sort of guy you could talk to yourself? Tell him to back off? Could you talk to his parents perhaps, I know it's a long-shot, but you obviously feel helpless at the moment. One thing to try not to do, as you'll already know is not to alienate your daughter. You still want her to be able to come and talk to you about anything at all. She knows that you're not happy about the relationship, but don't go on about it too much. What is your relationship with this guy? Have you met him much? There is the saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" so why don't you get to know him aswell, even if you want to punch his lights out for hitting your daughter, if you show HER that you are making an effort, maybe that will make her a little more open to accepting advice and observations from you. It might help to keep a channel open so that she knows that she can talk to you and she knows you'll never be disappointed or angry with her for who she's chosen. Good luck.
2007-11-01 00:06:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm afraid there isn't very much you can do - make sure you let her know you are here for her WHATEVER happens. If you criticise then there is a risk she may not turn to you if something gets worse.......sad to say she has to find this out for herself. I went through the same thing, married a nasty piece of work who I thought I was in love with (at 18!) and it took me 12 years to finally get the courage to divorce him, I didn't tell my parents though they guessed what was happening, didn't want them to say 'I told you so'. SO, make her know she can come home any time day or night and try not to push her away from the bloke - this will only make her want him more. I am sure that if she is a sensible type of person then she will regain her self esteem and decide enough is enough. Maybe a close friend would have more of a chance of talking to her about it, a brother or sister perhaps? Its a difficult one and you must be worried sick about her, I would be, but tread carefully or you could make things worse. The police won't do anything unless she agrees to anything. Don't threaten him, this would make it worse for her when they are on their own....... This is something that only time can sort out, and as long as she knows she has you love and support then she should be able to find a way out on her own. Obviously if things took a turn for the worse then bring charges against him yourself, but this would risk alienating your daughter, unlesss she was also prepared to seek justice. All the very best to you.
2007-10-31 23:29:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's difficult to get children to listen to reason. But, sometimes trying to reason with willfully blind adults is totally impossible. You've expressed your concerns to your ADULT daughter, and she has CHOSEN to stay in the relationship. STOP. It IS her life, and her decision to make. Be civil to her boyfriend, and just hope she realizes what type of guy she is with. But, it IS up to her. Now, if her lays a hand on her in YOUR home, you have every right to object, and simply say that that behavior is not allowed in your home. Your daughter will keep defending him, if you continue trying to point out that he's a jerk, and probably stay longer. Yes, it sucks, but there isn't anything else you CAN do. You are NOT obligated to provide financial help, or anything else as long as she is being silly.
2007-11-01 00:15:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you did all you could for your daughter from your end. However, your daughter is in denial at this stage and believes that all will work fine for her because this will be different and won't happen to her. Since he has a history of domestic violence he will repeat it with your daughter also.
What can you do? not much at this stage, I would keep a very close watch and be ready to jump in to help your daughter out from that relationship.
2007-11-01 00:36:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is 25. You have already done your part. In fact you showed all the concern any father could-you have really demonstrated you love and concern for your daughter. It is in her hands now. Know this: your words will constantly play in her mind. Let's just hope that other factors do not have a stronger pull on her common sense. If you are fortunate, there is still a chance she will changed her mind.
2007-11-04 22:03:09 · answer #7 · answered by Petwanel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Adding to Carrie's comment above... DO NOT LET HER MARRY HIM OR SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE WITH HIM!!!!!
Do anything you can to split them up, frame him for a crime and get him put away!! Tell everyone in the community he likes young boys!!
Go to any group of HOODIES and pay them 25 quid to give him a good hiding. put a balaclava on & give him a good hiding yourself! My goodness I would not sleep until i knew he was 100 miles away from my daughter. any man that beats a girl for ANY reason has a real clinical problem. A few good blows to the head will help.
Seriously though dont worry about upsetting your daughter in the short term, because you will be saving her decades of abuse and tears!
Do you live near Liverpool? I've got two balaclavas...LETS GO! I guarantee we can persuade him gently to leave her!
2007-11-01 00:00:17 · answer #8 · answered by dogzrule 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hmmm... not sure if there is anything you can do for her, except call the police the instant you find out he has beat her... I am willing to bet she thinks she can change this man or she thinks him beating her is her fault =(... now, if she has kids w/ this man, there is definitely something you can do! children's services will pull the children out of the home even if he is not beating the kids, but, beating the mother! keep tabs on the situation... you can only hope that she will change her mind about marrying him... does she have any ex boyfriends you can fight off this idiot with? =) perhaps know anyone that likes her you could try to set them up w/ her? =) sound manipulative? lol... better than her living w/ an abuser hehehe... =) you could hire a Private Eye to video all activity and catch this man beating her! =) (it's legal for them to video, not legal for us to video) also, let her know you will not help out financially (you will help her, not him!)... do not pay for the wedding! hmmm... and don't allow this man over to your house... do not give her your blessing to marry this fellow! I think she will come around eventually... ya, I agree w/ Carrie up there... my sister had a boyfriend who was flirting w/ me in a horrible way (I had proof on the computer, lol!)... so I got my mom and dad on my side and we all told my sister to dump this guy... perhaps you could set up a family meeting, you and every family member you can get, friends...and talk to your daughter??? good luck!!! =) hmmm, ya, this guy needs a good butt whoopin'!!! perhaps you should talk to him alone and let him know you know about his past, and if he ever touches her again in a way he shouldn't, he will have to deal with you! you, are allowed to ruff him up to "protect her"... it's defense for the sake of her! =)! yes, be your daughter's friend... but, be his worst enemy...lol! boy, I am getting more ticked just thinking about this jerk... that's how I am, lol...
2007-10-31 23:57:52 · answer #9 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kick him in the a** for starters.
The only reason she is denying all of this is because she is fearful of him finding out that you know, then he will beat her more.
Contact the police and inform them about this, say you are suspicious and are positive that he is beating your daughter. You are worried about her safety, and as her father - you need to be there for her.
4 months? She really needs to think about settleing down with this man, not only is he a threat to her - but for future children of theirs - if they have any.
HELP HER NOW!
2007-10-31 23:23:48 · answer #10 · answered by Raquel 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋