Is poor hygene and bad housekeeping a valid reason for leaving a spouse?

Question

My wife of 22 years has been messy since before I married her. As we speak, the kitchen is filthy and hasn't been cleaned in weeks. I killed (3) mice the last week, but I can't get rid of the mice because neither my wife nor kids will keep the kitchen clean.

The bathroom has mold crawling down the shower. The garbage in the bathroom is always filled with dirty pads and tampons, and it smells. There are two lavatories in our bathroom. Mine is always clean, and hers is filthy. She often uses mine.

The laundry is always piled up in corners around the house. I often do my own laundry, but can't stand seeing clothes piled up everywhere.

This is not the case where the husband doesn't clean house. I do clean often. But I can't maintain the house on behalf of my wife and 3 kids who don't work.. Because mom doesn't clean, my kids follow her example and are lazy as well.

I feel I have a right to live in a clean home, but it won't happen as long as I'm married to.

What should I do?

Answer 1

I don't know how you've lasted as long as you have, because I couldn't outlast 2 years with a slob.

On one hand, you're responsible for your lifestyle, because you knew she lived like a pig before you married her.

It's interesting that your wife doesn't work, and still finds reasons to live in squallor.

You have a choice to make. Either leave, or freak them out with behavior changes. Sit everyone down for a family meeting to explain the rules are changing as of this minute. And, present charts with cleaning chores identified for one person to be responsible for over the course of an entire week. Post those charts (index cards work) on the refrigerator door, after you remove everything else from the door. The penalty for not taking responsibility for assigned chores will be up to you. But, I'd start by eliminating allowances and all other spending money. Don't allow children to watch TV or spend time on the phone, or with friends, until chores are completed. Make your first "new day" a cleaning day. Make everyone start cleaning, and if you have to, rent a storage unit to hold all toys and electronics, until you're satisfied they can handle new responsibilities.

When your wife pitches a fit, ask if she'd rather have a divorce. It sounds like if anyone made a phone call to your county, they'd remove your children from the home, and charge you with neglect, and you'd do prison time.

Answer 2

I know this is a difficult topic for you to share with so many strangers but I salute you for it! I am training to work in the medical profession and though hygiene is not a BIG problem among any one gender it can be a problem. I think it originate from training at home - it could cultural or it could be denial - whatever the root - here are some solutions. And, it is very normal to feel "turned off" about her based on what you just shared. (1) try taking showers together prior to intimacy - make it fun - buy some bubble bath or new types of soaps. (2) Communicating- which you have done - things like - "honey, I want you to wash my back - then I will wash yours - also - if she is having sex, she should be seeing a GYN doctor one time a year for Pap smears and you could go with her as there is literature about douching (which should not be done too often as it can be harmful); STDS - body hygiene - you could also "just happen to be reading about this stuff on the internet when she is around. I don't want to tell you the things that could happen when a person does not use proper hygiene as that won't be pretty and will probably gross you out. It's not a BIG problem unless you give up! Beautiful women needs to wash their butts just like anyone else eh? The tampon issues - many females use birth control and that eliminates the needs for tampons or menstrual pads - as there is no longer any monthly bleeding out - if she has an implant or takes injections she might have a period 1-3 times a year and some do not have periods until the implant or birth control is discontinued. There was a guy in one of my lectures - that never owned a toothbrush - I don't have to test any readers imagination on here so I won't. LOL

Answer 3

After 22 years, leaving your spouse because of dirty habits is a little bit overboard and silly. That's just my opinion.

It's often the other way around, so I'm kind of shocked that any woman would want her house like that. I know you're pulling your weight and helping out, but as for the laundry and dishes, those don't always have to be done by your wife. Tell your lazy kids to get up and clean the house every once in a while. Like you said, they're not working. They should be doing something to contribute.

If everything in your relationship is okay, and the only thing that bugs you is her dirtiness, then that's definitely no reason to leave her. I think you should just make some ground rules, and tell her that the house is getting disgusting, and you'd like for her to start pulling her own weight, as you seem to be the only one in the family doing so.

Good luck. :-)

Answer 4

. Her kids are very demanding and with the depression and exhaustion from taking care of the three of them she is wiped out. She needs to be told that staying home is not a free ride. You work 8 hours a day and you expect her to. Her work load is too overwhelming and needs to pared down a bit for her because she doesn't have the skills to do so herself. Laundry: Go through with her or by yourself if she refuses and cull the clothes you don't need. Obviously they don't need very much because most of it can't be used anyway. Have her take what she wants to save to the laundrymat and do it all at once. Continue in that way. Make a list of things you expect done and firmly enforce it. The kids need to be handled firmly. Take away privleages for non-compliance. If you need to spend money on a cleaning

Answer 5

You want help or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. That being said, please seek counseling as soon as possible! Talk to her if you haven't already! You have issues, and obviously so does she. Both of you need help if the relationship is to survive.

22 years is a long time to be together, so there is something about her that you must like to keep you there. I'd also add family counseling to the agenda to include your children.

You don't say how old your children are, but if they are old enough to work, they are old enough to help take care of the home as long as they live there. I'd make some rules that they must follow in the upkeep of the home, as well as pay rent or they must leave. Tough love is hard, but it's part of the life lessons we must learn as to the obligations we all have towards each other when we are a family living together. It will help... eventually.

I know none of this is easy, nor do I mean to make this sound blithe, but you sound at the end of the road. So take the road that leads you and the family to some kind of emotional health. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

This is so wierd, you could be the husband of a friend of mine, but that's all I'll say...

My friend has told me that she actually wishes that her husband would just lay it on the line and be more demanding and strict. She suffers from depression and I'm sure she needs to see a therapist to learn some coping skills and a psychiatrist to deal with medication. Her kids are very demanding and with the depression and exhaustion from taking care of the three of them she is wiped out. She needs to be told that staying home is not a free ride. You work 8 hours a day and you expect her to. Her work load is too overwhelming and needs to pared down a bit for her because she doesn't have the skills to do so herself. Laundry: Go through with her or by yourself if she refuses and cull the clothes you don't need. Obviously they don't need very much because most of it can't be used anyway. Have her take what she wants to save to the laundrymat and do it all at once. Continue in that way. Make a list of things you expect done and firmly enforce it. The kids need to be handled firmly. Take away privleages for non-compliance. If you need to spend money on a cleaning crew then I guess that means you won't have money for eating out or new clothes or extra curricular activities etc.

If things don't improve in two weeks and your wife refuses to see a Dr. then take all of your money and put it into an account your wife can't touch, get a hotel and take the kids there and call social services. Get temporary full custody. You have to do what is right for your kids. You could be the nicest guy in the world but you need to be an advocate for your children.

Answer 7

Have you talked to her about this? if you haven't I think that is the first step.

Is she depressed? I know when I get depressed I don't clean. Although it doesn't usually get that bad...but perhaps she is unhappy too.

In regards to your children...make them clean, they are your children they are only going to be lazy if you let them be lazy. Perhaps you could set aside a weekend and the whole family can clean. Try having the whole family clean the same room at the same time. One can dust, one can vacuum and so on. This would give you family time and your house would get clean at the same time. I would also suggest a cleaning schedule. Give each child a chore to do everyday. I don't know how old your kids are but if they complete their chores with out problems they could get a prize whether its a coloring book or some extra time with friends or money, something they would enjoy.

I would just sit down and talk with your wife and you two can come up with a solution. If your wife still isn't interested in cleaning I would suggest therapy because I think there is something more wrong.

Answer 8

Bad Housekeeping

Answer 9

I would set up an appointment with a family counselor and get help for everybody! You will need a lot of help in everyone to participate since this has gone on for years. This is what they are used to and at first they will resist change but it can be accomplished with a little hard work. You may have to hire someone to come into your home and teach your wife how to clean properly and organize the home. The key to neatness is that everything in the home needs a proper place. Good luck.

Answer 10

Talk to you wife and tell her exactly how you feel. Make the kids help out more and punish them if they don't clean their rooms. Give every one a part of the house to clean. One cleans the bathroom another washes the dishes and the another one the living room, I mean if they are old enough. Then rotate them. Tell your wife she needs to make sure laundry is done, and of course help the kids out. Of course you are not going to have the kids do all the work, your wife needs to do most of the work, specially if she's home all day. And you help a little more, try to motivate them as much as possible.

Also you wife my be depressed. Three kids, home all day long. Talk to her maybe she needs help.

Hope this helps.