Men: What does it mean when a guy says that "sex is not his thing"?

Question

Not really sure what to do with this. Been married for 4 years, sex hasn't been great, but I don't doubt that he is straight - since that is the first thing everyone wants to say! He's not gay! He doesn't have much confidence in himself and wasnt sexually experienced at all when we got married. I was a virgin. But I know how I like to be seduced and touched and he just does the basics (the money spots ONLY) and is fine with it. I've bought the books, instructional videos, etc but he doesn't read. He watches and then doesn't try any of the tips! Caressing, kissing, etc. Also, whenever I ask him what he wants - he says "whatever you want" and it drives me crazy cause I have no idea what to do to turn him on! There is only one thing that gets him really hot and that's talking about me being with another woman. I'm not into that so much - I feel like I'm not enough for him!?!? Are there any other guys that are out there that just can take or leave sex because they aren't good at it?

He makes fun of himself and calls himself "small" and "little" although he is average (like 6in) and besides I was a virgin so I dont know what I would be missing!!! I tell him all the time that he is enough for me!!!

Yes I am attractive, a former model, great body, I buy lingerie, keep a brazilian, and always come to bed freshly showered with something cute on or nothing at all! Maybe I'm too sexual and it intimidates him??

Answer 1

Sex issues for male or females can be from sexual confidence, general confidence, stress, body image, sexuality, sexual history….and what a lot of people don’t realise, it could be from the ‘kink’ factor. Maybe your hubby has a few fantasies he feels weird about telling you…experiment a little

Answer 2

There are some things that both of you need to do. He is a man and likes to do man stuff, you on the other hand are not either a man or interested in his hobbies it sounds like. You need to find some things to do together. He'll watch a movie with you more often if it isn't some predictable sappy Lifetime type movie, or if you surprise him during it with some oral activities. He may start liking the movies! Go with him to do something he wants without complaining. Car show, races, or something. Then ask him to go with you to pick up a new outfit. Only instead of the normal, pick out something a little sexy and try it on for him. Ask him if he likes it. Ask him to pick something out and try it on for him no matter how sexy it is! Mall's suck. Take him to smaller stores, or shops, and then stop off for a beer at a sports bar between dress shops. If you come off as being controlling it will only get worse. This isn't rocket science. He wants you to want him. To be desired by you. He wants the mad passionate, I can't get enough of you kind of sex. Give it to him. But tell him it's because he was attentive or whatever. If he See's there is a positive response he will notice, and then see if he pays more attention to you. Like Dr. Phil says, "It's not about you" if you think about it he still wants you or he'd be gone. You want him or you'd be gone. So now you just need to find some common ground to occupy. It may help for him to have some guy time without you sometimes, and girl time for you away from him sometimes. But that will have to be at a time when you can trust each other. When was the last time you told him how much you love him, and can't imagine being without him? If he feels like everything he does is wrong then why will he keep trying? Get out for a weekend of wine tasting, go out to eat food you've never tried. Take him to a strip joint. Go play pool together at a biker bar. Go to a rodeo. Do something different. Your sounding like things are stagnate.

Answer 3

I can't really comment because I never lived that way. I mean I lost my virginity at 12 and definitely got my money's work of all the free love I could find.

The thing is that I learned the art of seduction when I was younger. You never got anywhere without it. It's not like I had a wife who pretty much had to give it up, I had to PERSUADE the girl I was with. The rule pretty much was that if the girl didn't want it as much as I did, I didn't get it.

Virgins who marry never have the NEED to learn these skills.

It also seems like there are things you each want that are different. Neither of you wants or desires what the other does. I dunno what else to say except get counseling. Maybe somebody can help you sort it out.

Good Luck

Answer 4

I don't mean this in a negative way, but this is what happens when a virgin marries. There is this whole romantic nonsense about 'saving' your virginity for your husband, but the reality is far more like you are describing.

You end up married to a guy you didn't really get to know before you married him. You never took the time to see if you were sexually compatible with him. Sex is an important part of a marriage, and without exploring this before hand, you cannot possibly know if things are going to work out with your husband in the bedroom.

If you have sex with various people in a series of meaningful relationships, you get to know exactly what works for you. When you finally meet Mr. Right you will be experienced enough to know if it is going to work out for you.

But by doing what you did, which was presumably not living with him first, and not sleeping with him, you went into the marriage inexperienced and blind. You just hoped that love was enough and that sex would be enjoyable and fulfilling. But turns out it wasn't.

So you have two choices. You divorce and try again, this time getting to know a partner before marrying again. Or you put up with it and accept that you love live will never be that great.

Some people will no doubt mention therapy or counseling. Well that's only going to work if he wants to change, and frankly it doesn't really sound like he does.

But for what it's worth, perhaps your story will serve as a warning to other naive young girls who talk about saving their virginity for that special man and giving it to him on the wedding night. I've always believed this to be a colossal mistake, and your story is a perfect illustration as to why.

Answer 5

I am not attracted to my wife, she is overweight and I don't get "going" because I don't want to look at her body. She is also very boring in bed.
But you said none of these apply to you. Then you need to take charge a be very sexual, talk to him about his fantasy while your doing your thing. You don't actually have to have the fantasy but you can pretend.

Answer 6

He is lying to himself and he believes his own lies.

He is probably insecure about something like size, or chronological performance.

Or he may be suffering from depression or a side effect from some type of medication he is taking. Ask him to talk to his doctor.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It may be that he's just not as into it as you. He's a fool-- sounds like he hit the jackpot but doesn't want to collect! I've got a very similar predicament... I recommend the two of you seeing a counselor about this-- he is not speaking your "love language". You've got to be patient though--Bringing him around will be a very slow process.

Answer 8

No maybe he's not comfortable talking about things like that with you for some odd reason since you have been married for 4 years but some people are like that....

My suggestion to you is to talk to him about this issue..

and try some of these things in front of him so mayb it will open him up:

touch yourself in front of him
watch porn together
Suggest to go to a swingers nite.



Good Luck

Answer 9

Not to be offensive, but are you attractive, clean, well groomed?

Is it really hard for you to get turned on, climax? Does he have to work like blazes to make you respond?

If you have good answers for the above, as bad as I hate to suggest it, your marriage might need a good counselor.

Good luck, wish I could offer more.

Answer 10

Same reason some people don't like anything. Maybe he's just not into it. Everyone's different.