A question for people in good happy marriages? please answer??

Question

First off, please tell me how old you are, and how long you've been married.
The question is, how do you handle major differences which affect both of you? Or do you have pretty much the same outlook on things so this type of thing isn't an issue?

I ask because i am trying to forsee if my issues with my 5 year bf can be solved somehow or if it's best to go our separate ways. I am a family girl, not 'too' close, but we get together to celebrate birthdays, and i sometimes go to my cousins or aunts get togethers or birthday family reunions too. My bf is totally 'allergic' to this stuff. He absolutely refuses to go to any of them, i would want him to be with me at least to the big ones, like christmas or my bday. I fear it will be trouble down the road, even more if we have children. Just to be clear, my family are nice people. I worry that if we can't even deal with this issue, what will be next? I don't want to force him, but if i go he always complains about being 'abandoned'.

Oh, and for the record, i have gone with him to HIS family gatherings, all two that he has had and invited me to. His family isn't prone to this type of thing, and they are always fighting anyways. He's always either in a feud with his mom, or his dad, or his sisters. Not all at the same time though...

Answer 1

i am 28, married five years, been together for ten. i have been in a similar situation, but i am expected to go to everything, even his family functions without him. we have three kids and sometimes it seems like i am a married "single" mom. at first i kind of liked it when he would not come along to functions with friends and family because i had more fun. but, after a while it just got to be lonely, very,very lonely. and the same will be for you. if you and your family do not have outlandish expectations for him, which it seems you and they do not, he should want to make you happy. no matter what it costs him. that's love, if a partner is not willing to sacrifice a little, then you need to evaluate your relationship. good luck.... you'll need it.

Answer 2

Im 25, married 4 years and we have a 3 year old daughter.

To answer your actual question, the way we handle differences is by communication. There is no secret code, no special text book required, just open honest communication. If you cant be honest with eachother and TALK through your issues and compromise then family gatherings should be the least of your worries. My husband and i have been through hell and back in the past 4 years but we are making it and doing it better than ever because we talk and dont expect the other one to be a mind reader. The other important part of this is respect. If you find there is an issue that you just dont see eye to eye on and never will, yet its really not that big of a deal, just respect their opinion, accept it, and move on. You learn to pick your battles over time.

My advice is to sit down with your bf and tell him exactly how you feel...dont hold anything back and be completely honest! As for the family gatherings, sounds like your bf didnt have a great family life growing up and he doesnt know how to act in that kind of situation/environment. Though it seems normal to you, it is completely abnormal to him and makes him feel abnormal. Being around your family may just remind him that his isnt so great, and i can tell you thats an aweful feeling. BUT, if he really loves you and wants to be with you he will try and if you love him you will help him thru it. Yall just need to talk about it and work together...if you cant do that then whats the point of being together in the first place??

Answer 3

I was in a similar situation with my husband. I never went to his family stuff (there wasn't many times they had get togethers) and he rarely went to mine. That was how things were for the 5 and a half years we dated. Our parents didn't even meet until the week before the wedding and they only live about 10 miles apart! BUT now that we are married we've gotten to where we go to each others family things. However if one of us doesn't feel like going then we don't and it isn't a big deal.
Really in your case I think maybe your boyfriend has issues b/c his family doesn't get along well. He may be uncomfortable or jealous because your family gets along better than his does. Just tell him that he's welcome to go and that you'd like for him to but don't force the issue. BUT if he acts crazy about you going that's another matter, Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty about seeing your family is going to try and control everything you do. You need to look at the other aspects of your relationship to see if it's one you want to continue. I for one don't think this should be a deal breaker. If it had been for me and my husband I'd have missed out on the best guy ever! (Oh and you asked how long people had been together....We've been together 10 yrs, married for 5 ....I'm 29 and he's 27)

Answer 4

Mid 30s, married 8 years.
Sorry to hear that. My dh doesn't like hanging out with friends. He hasn't got any, I've got a few. I always go to hangouts by myself; that's why we work, because he never minds me going, and because I do not go all the time. We both use common sense in this case.
Unfortunately it sounds like it will become a problem, because your family is more important than my friends. If you do marry this may be the biggest problem you face, but it will not get any better. He will not change and he will always argue that you always knew how he felt about the situation. Also it worries me that he doesn't cultivate or miss a family life. I hope you can work it out in your heart. Best of luck and lots of love.

Answer 5

I am 33, been married for 3 1/2 years. My family is like yours, nice and fun. We are pretty close, not totally in each other's business, but we like to get together. My husband's family is nothing like that. His parents have passed away and he has a wacked out sister who has been married 4x and they currently do not speak. He never had that good family bond and it has always kind of been a battle to do things with my family. He will do it, but seems uncomfortable around them and vice versa. Now we have a baby, so my family is around alot more. He is ok w/ my sisters, etc. but still is weird around my parents (imo). I just think it is because his family was never a top priority. He just wasn't raised that way. So maybe it is the same for your bf. He needs to understand that a part of you is your relationship w/ your family. It will also be important if you have children. So he needs to come to terms with it and if he loves you, he will accept it. Just explain that you aren't going to force him, but it is important to you and would mean alot if he came with. Maybe he will start to see why you want him to go.

Answer 6

If you love him don't let this be the silly thing that keeps you apart. Maybe try and find out why he avoids these gatherings. If his family is always fighting and unhappy then perhaps he is not aware of what a happy family gathering is.

You can bring him around gradually with small doses of your family instead of large ones.

Good Luck

Answer 7

44 married 19 years
Family is really the most important thing in life and if this guy can't visit with your nice family then find someone else. Cause holidays and normal family gatherings will always be there and you shouldn't be miserable during those times -they should be good times. Find someone compatible with you and your family -it's possible . . . All the best to you!

Answer 8

40, married 13 years.

1st, how do we handle our issues. We talk them out. We do it calmly because we not only do we love each other, we respect each other, and that allows us to be rational and respectful towards each other even when we are hurt.

The real issues are do you love him and why doesn't he come to your family events. I believe that you actually know the reason to the second question because you've described what his family is like and that is probably not only all he knows, its all he expects. The question is: Is he willing to give it a real shot and if not can you live with it?

Answer 9

HOney, you are in a world of trouble with thisone, he does not have the same values as you do, and that is most important ina relationship I know, I have been married 3x and a history of re;ationships that cost me emotionally over similiar issues, Not worth it and there are many fish in the sea

Answer 10

I am 39 and have been married for almost 15 years. This is a big problem. He should go to these things with you. What do you need him for a husband for if you have to celebrate the holidays and birthdays by yourself. You can be alone without him. Marriage is a partnership and we have to compromise. He is unwilling to do that and he makes you feel guilty for going. Red flags.