Could staying silent in marital spats really be a killer for women? Why or why not?

Question

Staying Silent in Marital Spats a Killer for Women
http://uk.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUKKIM05985320070820?pageNumber=1

From the article: Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Such "self-silencing" during conflict may have provided an evolutionary survival advantage long ago, and unfortunately may be a necessity for women in abusive relationships, Dr. Elaine D. Eaker of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Gaithersburg, Maryland, the study's lead author, told Reuters Health

Eaker and her colleagues found that, over a 10-year period, the most striking finding was that women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely during marital arguments.

Eaker and her team looked at 3,682 men and women for 10 years, participating in the Framingham Offspring Study, most of whom were in their 40s and 50s at the beginning of the study.

Answer 1

I can only speak from my own personal experience here, but I was married to a very abusive person for fifteen years. He was volatile, unpredictable, emotionally, psychologically and physically violent. I found that being "silent" during his rampages actually kept his temper from escalating more than if I spoke up or argued back. He was the type of person that if you fought back or argued, he'd react even more violently. A "show" of power or control, I suppose. To be silent (and not show emotion- anger, tears, or otherwise) seemed to be the only thing that kept me from having to endure worse levels of abuse or violence. As long as I complied with everything and kept my mouth shut, I was safer (but not completely immune) from more serious harm. It's something like being attacked by a wild animal: if you "play dead" you just might survive. But, the day I left him, he truly "lost his mind." To leave him was the "ultimate act of defiance"- he never thought I'd do this. He hadn't expected it. He probably thought I didn't have it in me...and it completely put him over the edge. He stalked me and threatened me continually for the next two years. I had a restraining order and protection order and it did nothing to deter him. I guess he thought that he could somehow scare me back into "compliance." However, seeing this psychotic state he was in made me more sure that I needed to be away from him. The more I resisted, the harder he tried to frighten me (all in the name of getting me to take him back! How ironic is that?) Eventually, he did "crack", and he tried to kill me. He broke into my house and assaulted me with a knife. He tried to rape me. He did a couple years of time for that. But when he got out, it still wasn't over yet. He started stalking me again. He broke my bedroom window in with a flashlight one night while I was sleeping. I woke to shards of glass falling on top of me and my two year old daughter who was lying next to me in bed. He was screaming "I'm gonna kill you *****!" at the top of his lungs. He had become enraged when he tried to get into the house through the front door and had found the locks had been changed. It was 4:00 am. Luckily for me, I had friends over who were asleep in the next room. He didn't know they were there. (During this time while he was stalking me, I never stayed in my house alone at night if I could help it.) They heard me screaming and called the police. I truly believe if I had been alone that night, it might have been my last night on earth.

Staying "quiet" may save a person from further harm in the moment, but over time, it gives the abuser the distinct impression that they really do, indeed, have complete control over you. If you ever do try to get out from under that control, you're in very real danger. It pushes an already emotionally and psychologically unstable person right over the edge into what I would call "psychosis." This person realizes he has lost control of you, and he cannot come to terms with this. He desperately seeks to regain this control the only way he knows how, and so, the violence escalates to a whole new level, and yes, sometimes they end up killing.

Edit: Qzmaster: thank you.. what I've been through has taught me a lot of things. I choose to let my experiences be something that can be a tool for helping others in similar situations. So it hasn't all been in vain.

Answer 2

My guess would be that women who "self-silence" do so because they fear physical harm. Perhaps they believe silence will appease. This is an important warning that such an approach may not work in the long haul and that when women feel physically threatened, they need to get out of the relationship at all costs - as if their lives depended on it. Because in many cases IT DOES.

I've never had a partner who stayed silent and was somewhat surprised to hear that such women existed. Considering how vocal all of my past partners have been, I can only imagine what sort of intimidation would have made them go silent. Anyone who could shut them up would have to be one scary guy!

Answer 3

Well, if the death-rate is that high, it can hardly be called a survival tactic, can it? Even though it's quite understandable. In some marriages that I've seen, survival for the female pretty much means never being seen, never mind being heard. Why do so many men demand their wives be doormats? No idea. An even better question would be why so many women submit to such marriages.

Answer 4

so these has to depend on the precent stiuwation of the woman in question.
Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Depression and irritable bowel syndrome are also more common in these women.

Such "self-silencing" during conflict may have provided an evolutionary survival advantage long ago, and unfortunately may be a necessity for women in abusive relationships, Dr. Elaine D. Eaker of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Gaithersburg, Maryland, the study's lead author, told Reuters Health.

Eaker and her colleagues found that, over a 10-year period, the most striking finding was that women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely during marital arguments.

Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Depression and irritable bowel syndrome are also more common in these women.

Such "self-silencing" during conflict may have provided an evolutionary survival advantage long ago, and unfortunately may be a necessity for women in abusive relationships, Dr. Elaine D. Eaker of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Gaithersburg, Maryland, the study's lead author, told Reuters Health.

Eaker and her colleagues found that, over a 10-year period, the most striking finding was that women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely during marital arguments.

Answer 5

Maybe yes. The fact is that staying silent implies a form of violence: you stay silent because you're forced to never reply. A silenced woman is a woman who keeps everything within herself, who cannot live in the atmosphere of caring and sharing that a loving and caring husband can do. It's eventually a stressfull life, a life spent in fear, until she manages to find again her means to express. And all those factors are actually the lead factors of stress-brought death. Plus, they rob a woman of another means of defend herself.

EDIT: TERA, your story shows us how wonderful you were to outgrew your suffering and being able to keep your inquisitive nature, and to be a good mother and a complete woman, and definitely a really mature and complete person

Answer 6

I didn't read the article because I don't know why this is news. 'Self silencing' is extremely stressful; continually cranking out stress hormones burns you up, eats you up. Terrified, stuck in an abusive relationship and having to keep one's mouth shut in the face of injustice has disasterous consequence for both mind and body. Severe chronic stress makes people ill and kills (heart attack. stroke risk). It has been linked to ME/CFS.

None of the other posters have connected this subject with the effect of child abuse - which are even more dramatic. In toddlerhood neural pathways grow like mad (they 'prune back' later). The effects of 'self-silencing' would be especially detrimental (the kid can't protest because he/she will only be beaten and otherwise abused some more). Fear/anger pathways thrive, at the expense of other important neural pathways (like those involved in 'self-soothing'). This actually changes the physiology of the brain (which incidentally keeps growing until about age 20). Young, supple growing brains would suffer damage more than older, 'formed' brains. The victims of child abuse are scarred for the rest of their lives, there is no 'cure'; no surgical operation or medicine to repair he damage.

The actual PHYSIOLOGY of the brain has been irreversible altered.

Answer 7

Well, good news for me. :-) I'm a big believer in talking things out. I do think it's good to keep everybody fairly calm during disagreements, but it makes sense that staying silent is hard on the body as well as the mind.

I do think that there could be more awareness for other types of abusive relationships - if a woman feels compelled to stay silent to avoid "causing" more abuse, whether it's verbal or physical, then that's a problem. I think that we could help women to objectivly define a relationship as abusive by explaining common behaviors *in herself* that are red flags, like staying silent for fear of further abuse. Demonizing the male abusers only makes it so that women don't correctly identify the nature of their own relationship.

EDIT: Wow, Tera, bless your heart for sharing your story. :-)

Answer 8

That makes sense.
Imagine living life quietly angry or sad and not expressing oneself or allowing those emotions to vent...that would begin to take a toll on one's emotional stability, and would greatly affect one's health, even the libido.

I think that this is one of the major problems in middle aged women nowadays, they keep quiet about the things that matter, but talk endlessly about things that don't.
Partners can't read minds, so it is up to us to communicate to them, if things don't improve after one has been clear and honest, then there is always the option to leave.

Answer 9

I think so. Being completely silent can lead to a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and the feeling of intimidation which in turn does not do any good for a wife's state of mind and well-being. It's best to be calm and assertive within disagreements.

Answer 10

Men who push their wives around are scared little cowards. It's easy to imagine that a woman who stands up for herself is in less danger than one who does not.

I imagine that the same goes for some men. If they accept the rampages of their spouse quietly, then she is empowered to continue being abusive.

And for same sex couples.