Do you think it’s wrong to have a brief phone conversation with someone you used to sleep with?

Question

I used to have a friend with benefits when I was single. We met when I was 20 and then lost contact, but ran into each other 3 years later. Everything started up again and didn’t stop until I moved out of state a little over 4 years ago. I really liked him and wanted to be in a serious relationship, but he flat out told me he wasn’t ready for that. I accepted that and moved on with my life. I got laid off my job and that’s when I moved. He would call me from time to time, but we never talked about anything serious. I met my husband 7 months later and we have been married a little over 3 years. I thought he was the most wonderful man ever – until he cheated on me this past January. I called the ex-fling because I was hurt and wanted to tell him about it. He was very supportive but that’s when he admitted his feelings for me. Whether or not they were true, I don’t know, but I knew I wasn’t interested anymore. Now he calls every 3 ot 4 months.

My cell phone number has been the same for 5 or 6 years now, so he still remembered it. Also, he got my work number of an email that I sent a few years ago. So he calls whenever he pleases. I always tell my husband about it because I feel so guilty when he calls. I have asked him not to call because of the obvious. He called today out of the blue. He called my office and cell phone. When I answered he asked how I was doing, and how my husband was treating me. I told him we were okay – blah, blah, blah. I asked about his daughters, his job, his old roommate and that was it. The conversation lasted 9 minutes. The only thing he said out of line is that he’s still holding out for me. But that doesn’t matter because I would never get serious with him now. I do plan on telling my husband, although I don’t know what he’ll say. Sometimes he acts like it’s no big deal. Other times he acts annoyed. His ex-girlfriend used to call his cell and hang-up every night.

Do you think I was wrong?

Answer 1

The fact that you are telling your husband, I would say no you arent wrong. But at the same time, maybe you should end all contact with this " ex". After all he is your " ex" for a reason. I mean you are married now, the past is the past. End contact with him and focus on your marriage.

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with talking to a former flame. You have every right to maintain friendships with ex-boyfriends and any man on the planet.
However, it *can* be wrong if the friendship is no longer just a friendship, and he isn't so much an "ex" as a "potential". If you have any romantic or sexual intention towards this man, or if the conversation contains deliberate flirting or sexual content, then yes, it would be cheating. Your husband's infidelity doesn't grant you a "freebie", either.

But since you don't have any intentions towards this guy, you're not cheating. However, you did send him mixed signals - you ran straight to him when your husband cheated. So you are using him as an emotional crutch, a back-up in case your marriage ends - crudely put, he's your "d**k in a jar". Which isn't really giving your marriage a fair shot.

If you really don't love your ex that way, and you know you don't ever want that sort of relationship with him, then you need to tell him so, explicitly. Tell him that you value his friendship, but it will never be anything more, no matter what happens with your marriage (even if you're sure your marriage is solid, your ex is probably hoping the husband's infidelity will be repeated and the marriage dissolved).

It's good that you're honest with your husband about the calls, but you also need to be honest with yourself about what these calls mean to you - if he really was *just* a friend, you wouldn't be so guilty about taking the calls.

Answer 3

No your not wrong. You just need someone to talk to when your husband pisses you off. You could confide in a female friend though. I think since he was your ex and you were in a relationship it makes it strange for your husband to accept. I would tell him not to call you that often or just strictly email conversation. If you have to change your number then go ahead. He should respect that your married though even if he has feelings for you still. Maybe he is waiting for you two to split or wants you two to split but another guy in between the marriage isn't good.

Answer 4

Are you asking if you were wrong to not be interested in him anymore or are you asking if you were wrong that you don't want to speak to him? To both I would say, no you're not wrong. If the guys is becoming to overwhelmingly intrusive by calling you at work etc. Then try to change your cell phone number, ask you boss to not put calls through to him, etc. Take steps to push him away. You can also have a restraining order put against him by police which includes contact by phone or email if necessary (doesn't sound like he is that bad with hassling you though that this would be called for).

Answer 5

I do think you were wrong initially in contacting your ex while you and your hubby were having troubles. But it sounds that since then you have been relatively circumspect. But if you really want to get him (the ex) out of your life there shouldn't be ANY conversations between you. Cut him off, and he will get the hint. It may be soothing to your ego to know that there is someone interested in you, when your marriage is not perfect, but it won't help in the long run.
To me, it sounds like (maybe subconsciously) that you want to remind your husband that he's not the only one who has other "options". That's why you tell him each time the ex calls, not just for honesty's sake.
If you and your husband really want to make it work, you have to be more open to each other, and less open to keeping other "options" open.

Answer 6

I don't get it? R u still married? that is to the guy who cheated on u? or u got a new man? Anyway if u think you're really not into this guy ... tell him n b blunt n honest don't care if it will hurt him; if he won't listen stop seeing him or picking up his calls. If he calls pick up n say "i asked u not to call i'm sorry, but since u're not listening to me i have to hang up." then do it. Tell him reasons u don't want to c him again; like ... it's an unhealthy relationship blah blah blah. N tell him if he doesn't want to respect the fact that u have a husband (by calling u n telling u he loves you), then he doesn't need to be in your life. If he loves you, he'll respect your decision.

good luck

Answer 7

I wouldn't do it. I know I would be hurt if my husband contacted an old sexual partner.

I don't buy that you called him after finding about your husband's affair out of purely innocent intentions. You call your mom at that time, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a coworker, etc. You do not call up a long-lost sex partner.

I'm not sure you REALIZE your true intentions, but I just really don't think it's likely you honestly contacted him at such a vulnerable time in your life without having any hopes or intentions of anything happening.

If you honestly don't want to hear from the guy again, tell him not to call you anymore. If he does, don't confide in him about what's going on with you, and don't ask him about what's going on in his life. It sends a mixed message to say you dont' want him to call, then ask him about his job, his daughters, and his old roommate.

Answer 8

I think you are seriously confused by your feelings for your friend and husband. I think your husband was a rebound and I seriously doubt your marriage will last. Think about it, you said your husband cheated on you.........he will do it again. Part of it is because you are still holding a little torch for your friend. Face it. You might be in denial. Maybe you should set up a lunch date with your friend to see how you "really" feel. Because based on your info, I would say you still would like to have what you use to have.

Answer 9

yes I do think you were wrong you are leading your ex on to think that he may have a chance with you . Dont keep this going change your cell phone number and when he calls your office tell them to tell him that you cant come to the phone . He will get the message . end it now or you will make your life very uncomfortable . good luck .

Answer 10

Tell the ex to bug off for good. You do not need to be telling any man other than your husband about your marriage unless it's a counselor. If the ex calls again after that, don't pick up.