My husband has a much higher sex drive than me. He made a comment one day and told me "Even if I think your not in the mood to have sex, if you don't try to stop me then yes I will still try to make love." I was shocked to hear this, becuase it almost sounded like the definition of rape doesn't it? That comment made me feel that its only about the sex for him, and getting off, not truly about making love. If he thinks I'm not in the mood why would he push me into it, why wouldn't he just respect me to stop. Why does he need me to tell him no? I often think my husband only cares about sex, and i hate to think that because he does things for me and tells me he loves me, but with a comment like that it makes me wonder. Any advise?
2007-10-31 08:27:00 · 23 answers · asked by ilih2006 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm female. There's nothing wrong with what he said. He was trying to tell you that even if you aren't in the mood, he still wants to have sex and will try to get sex from you...that is NOT rape! What he is talking about is "mercy" sex. Women have been giving their husbands "mercy" sex for centuries...
Mercy sex is where the woman is not in the mood to "make love", but where the man is "horny" - so she allows him to have a "quickie" to make him happy.
If he's a good husband - then make him happy and give him "mercy" sex. Not every sex session has to entail a long drawn out "making love" session.... Women need/want sex less often then men. You will greatly improve your relationship by giving him some "mercy" sex.
Just make sure that when you are ready to "make love", that he understands ahead of time that you want to "make love" and that you aren't just giving him "mercy" sex.
2007-10-31 08:33:14 · answer #1 · answered by Dina K 5 · 7⤊ 0⤋
No, I dont think it sounds like rape because you said he told you that if you don't tell him to stop he will proceed. Rape is if you said no and he went ahead and had sex with you anyway
I am not saying you don't have the right to say no when you don't feel like it but you have to say no. Tell him you are not feeling up to it.
I have sex with my husband about five times a week and I don't always feel sexy or in the mood. But, unless I am sick I go with the flow because my husband has a much higher sex drive than I do and I would rather he get it from me than someone else. Do I mean that I fake orgasms? No, I don't. My husband and I have a very open relationship and he knows when I am doing it for his benefit and not mine, our routine even changes when it is more for him.
I recommend you talk with and work out a solution with your husband. Your marriage will be better for it.
Good Luck
2007-10-31 15:50:09 · answer #2 · answered by mn lady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let's say at the beginning of the marriage, your husband told you that he'd make dinner for both of you every Tuesday night. Then, a year into the marriage, he decides he's not hungry on Tuesdays, and if he doesn't want to eat, you shouldn't get to either, so he stops making you dinner unless you beg and cry and plead. Would you resent him for it?? Of course, and with very good reason!
Your husband went into this marriage thinking he'd get sex on a fairly regular basis. He wants sex. He needs sex. How is it fair to deprive him just because you're not in the mood?
For the record, he specifically said "if you don't try to stop me." In other words, if you DO try to stop him, he'll stop - so it's not rape. Calling this situation rape trivializes the word "rape" and belittles the situation of women who really HAVE been raped. If you know he'll stop when you say no, and you don't say no, you haven't been raped.
2007-10-31 15:54:16 · answer #3 · answered by greeneyes_bjb 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sadly, I have gone through this very thing... I would be happy with sex 1 or 2 times per week, but my husband would do it twice a day if he could. We've had many arguements on the subject and he doesn't understand that just because I'm not in the mood to have sex everyday doesn't mean that I find him unattractive or don't love him. He also told me that because he wants it all the time and I don't want it all the time, he feels like he has to try ALL the time in order to get sex, and I suspect that is what your husband is doing to you. He feels like if he starts and you "let him" then maybe you'll get in the mood and want it...probably not true, but that's the way that men think.
Something important to remember, though, is that men "connect" on a physical level, that is just part of thier natures. While women connect emotionally through a more mental approact, men connect emotionally when they are being intimate or having sex...so your husband wanting sex is not only for the "release", but also because that is how he "connects" with you. I learned this from a therapist who is very good, and suggested that I meet my husband in the middle when it comes to sex...I feel like I want it 1 to 2 times a week and he would be satisfied with 3 to 4 times a week, so we shoot for 2 to 3 times a week...get it?
Hopefully this gave you a little insight into the way that men think...your husband isn't as bad as you think he is, they are just ruled by that little package in thier pants, so we have to learn to work with that if we love them.
2007-10-31 15:35:34 · answer #4 · answered by missapparition 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you're reading waaay too much into it.
Wouldn't you want your husband to get up and go to work every morning - even if he was "not in the mood"? I surely expect my husband to do that, as he's the main provider for our family. In turn, I will often make dinner for us even when I'm "not in the mood" for cooking. This is just how it goes.
If he's "in the mood" way more often than you are, be grateful that he's just willing to take what he can get, instead of constantly pressuring you to "get in the mood". I would rather know that someone could be happy to just get on and get off instead of him always depending on my "mood" (he'd be waiting for a long time). Be fair to him. Having quickies does NOT exclude making love at other times - when you ARE in the mood, I'm sure he will be happy to accommodate you.
2007-10-31 15:51:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you saying you never want to have sex again? If so, tell him so. If so, then just end this loveless sexless marriage. If it is just about when you are or are not in the mood, then how is he supposed to know unless he tries? If you don't want him to try, then tell him the only time he is going to get sex is when you initiate it. BTW, he will likely find a girlfriend, and rightly so. Sex is part of marriage. If you were a willing sex partner before the wedding and now you have changed, then you have violated part of the marital contract.
2007-10-31 15:34:49 · answer #6 · answered by javelin 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
1st it's rape when u say NO!!! If you don't want to do it say so but at the same time be reminded that maybe there is something wrong in your marriage sex department. I have a high sex drive my hubby doesn't to make things equal he bought me toys and other devices so that i want have to take the dick. But if you are only having sex once or twice a month he sex drive might not be high just normal and yo might be the one with the issue so i suggest that you to TALK and find a solution or call it quits before he finds someone who is willing and ready behind your back.
2007-10-31 18:49:52 · answer #7 · answered by rosalyn_1973 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I very much advocate for women and I think that their can be rape in some marriages but not all, I don't know the percentage. If you say no and he stops that is not rape, if he manipulates for it and you don't say no and he selfishly takes it then that is your answer, he is selfish and you need to stand up for how you feel.
But, I agree with one I read before I answered. Incompatible sex drives in a marriage suck, I know. My husband and I have very high ones but in my first marriage it was different and we lacked the communication to fix it. Of course now I am married to Mr compatible in the boudoir and a stud at that so I wont complain too loud about Mr incompatible.
2007-10-31 15:42:44 · answer #8 · answered by scsspace 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Nothing wrong with you not wanting sex. Take 15-minutes and show him a good time.
Marriage is about giving and my advice to couples is if you don't have 15-minutes to dedicate to your partner at the end of the day -- you are just being selfish. That good be a foot massage for you and a hand job for him. Sometimes it's not about the sex -- sometimes it's just about the 15-minutes of fun that people are looking for from the person in life that they married to have that fun with.
2007-10-31 16:08:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you don't say no how is he supposed to know? Sometimes when i would tell my ex no which was very rare i would roll over and try to go to sleep and he would keep groping me and i would act like i was a sleep then he might start poking me between the buttocks with his erection and i would either yell and curse at him or take my blankey and pillow and go sleep on the sofa so usally when he tried to have sex with me i would just give in so i could get some sleep sometimes it much easier..
2007-10-31 15:46:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋