What to do?

Question

Ok, I'm in this relationship where things seem a little confusing for me and I need a little insight. I promise this is my last blog on the subject. My fiance has taken off her engagement ring and has decided not to wear it until she is convinced that what we have merits her putting it back on. I've purchased a home for us and we just got through some tumultous experiences with my family, the latter of which addded uncessary stress on our relationship, though I clearly chose her over them. Thinking she was rejecting me, my mind did wander for a moment, but I never and just couldn't act on it. I am not that kind of person, I just felt really unwanted and rejected. I confessed this to her, which added more stress to our relationship. I approached her about the ring issues last night, as was suggested in an earlier blog response, and she said, though she knows it hurts me, she can only put the ring back on her finger when she is ready. I am confused, what advice would someone have me?

Thanks for the response. I know, some of you think me soft and weak, but I just really love her and have left all that machismo stuff behind at the bar like 10 years ago. I have to dig deep and find the strength to deal with it directly, and in a way where we, as most of you suggest, can find some resolution. Thanks all.

Answer 1

It sounds like she has issues with trusting you...either that or she isn't sure anymore if she wants to get married. This would be my suggestion...sit her down and explain to her that you agree that your relationship needs some help, that you understand that she has reservations and you are willing to do anything and everything to get passed your issues, including counseling, but you need to level the playing field and that you would like the ring back so that you can "re-ask" her to marry you when you both feel it is time.

Basically, what this is going to do is call any "bluffs" that she may be putting on regarding the ring...she could be subconciously using this whole thing to punish you in a way. By asking for her to return the ring so you can "work" on your relationship, you are letting her know that you are taking her very seriously, but you are not just going to let her call all of the shots. Her response is most likely going to be something along the lines of "OH MY GOD, why would you want the ring back, you don't want to get married??!!", and that is when you respond, "If you wanted to get married you would be wearing the ring, wouldn't you?".

Don't let her walk all over you too much...of course you need to put in the effort to make her comfortable after your "slip up", but all you did was let your ming wander, so enough is enough already!

Answer 2

I don't know what happened but I removed my rings entirely this year for over 6 months because my husband did something that shook the core of our marriage (no not infidelity). That said - my husband (of 11 years) made a very smart move - he got his butt into counseling, got his head straight and started to work on us. Then he read the book The Five Love Languages...now we have a much better, more communicative relationship that benefits both of us. Some things just can't be fixed overnight...get some help and give it time. In the interim - get the book! I even read it - it's worth it!

Answer 3

The end of it, no turning back. My definition of taking my ring off.

There are many stresses in a relationship/marriage. If you can't handle it don't wear the ring. What is the point of having it on one moment then off the next, doesn't make sense to me at all. If you can't make up your mind about then there will always be questions and concerns within the relationship/marriage, most likely won't last.

Answer 4

ok, sensitive guy, i will give this to you straight. do this: dont!!!!!!!!!!!!!! talk to her. go silent, refuse to have anything to do with her. you must do the following every night starting now:be seen out with friends looking gorgeous and sexy laughing and drinking and acting like you have forgotten completely about her. dont contact her in any way at all. period. i guarantee if she finds out you have just suddenly become a he man who doesnt take nonsense like this from a woman and goes out and has forgotten all about her and has now turned his generous attentions to his own !! ( not some other woman) fun and enjoyment and is not some sad sack with family problems, i assure you she will panic and run after you. when you get that phone call from her asking why she hasnt heard from you dont tell her it is not because you are no longer her doormat, tell her you would love to talk but you were just walking out the door. and then say i am sorry i gotta go, and hang up. this will drive her crazy. she cant hurt your little sad sack heart, because you are now a big strong conquering he man. got it???

if you dont believe me go to a site called www.askmen.com and read the doc love stuff. start now. she is playing you and you can turn this around, , if you do this. dont ever tell a woman she has hurt you. if she feels she can hurt you she wont trust you to take care of her and fight off the bears and wolves at night. women want a strong man.

Answer 5

Take the ring and your dignity back and move on...honestly I think this woman (without knowing what stresses you are speaking of) is being completely unfair...she wants you to hang on while SHE decides if you should be together and married? Why is it ok that your fate and future happiness are in her hands? My husband and I have been thru alot in the past 2 years we have been dating, engaged, married and NOT FOR ONE MINUTE did I ever consider that I didn't want to be with him forever...that is the kind of woman you need to be with.

Answer 6

Be patient with her and show her everyday how much she means to you. You don't have to get extravagant...it's the small things that make a difference. If she cooks dinner every night of the week...thank her...and give her a 'night off' by cooking her dinner. Help her with household chores. Just be there for her. Keep the lines of communication open. Honesty is always the best policy.

Good luck.

Answer 7

your mind wandered? how? chatting to another woman online? expand, please... if you came close to becoming unfaithful, meaning, a chat w/ another lady, or something like flirting w/ another lady, I would wonder too, if I was her... basically, you have to vow to never let you mind wander again... or she will never put that ring back on =(... been there, w/ an unfaithful man... I would not put the ring back on... he could not be faithful... basically, she has not forgotten about your mind wandering... and she is going to wait and test you to see if you remain faithful... under all circumstances... she's the type that needs faithfulness...house or no house... this is all if I was in her position... she don't want to marry just because there is a house on the line... she wants to marry the man she thought you were, now, she don't know who you are... if you are going to crack under the pressure now, how will you be under the pressure of kids, too? or under the pressure of more bills...?

Answer 8

Dump her. If I had EVER taken off my engagement ring and refused to put it back on, I wouldn't be married now. She needs to either grow up or put her ring back on and agree to a long engagement. If she does neither, dump her and find someone who won't walk all over your feelings.

Answer 9

Back up regroup as there are issue in the relationship>Best get the ring back and keep it as a reminder on what not to do> Hope you didn't put her name on the house>>>>>>>

Answer 10

WOW, who wares the pants in this relationship?
Looks like shes wearing the boxers and the pants, I hope your not wearing her panties (that sucks)...
Well, that doesn't make any sense to me. How the EFF did she say yes, put on the ring, switch it and say....UNTIL?
WTF, you should seriously reconsider. Gee, I at least gave the ring back and said.....Wait, UNTIL things get better "we" need to improve before we make a move=)
haha....You should really start wearing the pants