I was in a relationship 8 years ago with a man whom I loved dearly.He become controlling and refused to come to therapy with me.I chose to continue my life without him,met a very nice man a year later and we have a child.Things have been good in my life,although honestly I wish we could have worked things out,I cried many times to grieve that relationship.Anyway now my ex is friends with some one in family and he says things like "we shoudl have stayed together""that child should be mine" things like that.I wouldnt give up my life now,it just makes it harder and now I am starting to have some "what if thoughts"I wont act on them but I keep fantasy thoughts to myself.Any time I think about how controlling he was it is easy to get him out of my head,then I see him again and my heart really skips a beat.I have respect for my child and the man I am with now- but it isnt that "intense love" I had for him,more of a mature companionship love.Any ideas anyone?
2007-10-31 05:11:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How insightfull! wow alot of really good things said here.Some serious,some funny,and some just really make sense.Thank You all for your input.In retrospect I think it was shamefull lust and my heart skips a beat because I am scared...like an addiction. The man I am with now is a blessing and I am proud not ashamed:)
2007-10-31 06:16:48 · update #1
Realize that he is still a controller. His comments "That child should have been mine." are classic controller. I could see you having "what if" thoughts if his comments were, "If only I could have listened to her and learned to let go..." But they aren't. So don't ruin now with regrets for yesterday. He hasn't changed, he won't change, and you made the best decision. In fact, you should give yourself a pat on the back for making that move. It's very hard to break free from a controlling person because the first thing they usually do is make their partner feel incompentent to make their own decisions. You are obviously a very strong person who knows how to take care of yourself. Congratulations on your new, healthy life!
2007-10-31 05:19:14 · answer #1 · answered by Rebeckah 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Isn't it funny how we romanticize our wreckless relationships into being something that it really isn't? I had a relationship with a guy who was still with his girlfriend and I didn't know about it. I stayed with him for two years while he went back and forth and she slept around and got pregnant by someone - don't know which guy, even if it was "my" guy...I was in love with him sure...but looking back now I know that the intensity of love I felt for him was caused by the emotions I felt due to all the things going on. I even married someone else to try to get away from him, and ended up hurting alot of people when I got divorced.
I think that being in love changes over time to a more mature comfortable love. Yes, you still need to be in love with him, but those crazy feelings you get in the beginning are not going to last forever. To grow with a person, things need to progress and change. If you are stuck with someone who is controlling and won't allow for change, then what do you have with him? A life of being stuck. Nothing changes. Your life is at a standstill.
How is that worth it?
It sounds like the old guy maybe regrets your failed relationship, or he is using your family member as a way to get to you.
To be honest....I am in my second marriage to a man I love and we have a child together...but that guy whom I was so in love with 8 or so years ago, I still have dreams about him some times. I gave up on trying to "get him out of my head" because it doesn't work. I just accept that he is going to pop up sometimes. And now (Thank God) the only feelings I have for him are ones of sorrow that he is so screwed up...but that doesn't stop the dreams, or wondering how he is doing, if he finally got his sh!t together, etc.
2007-10-31 12:47:17 · answer #2 · answered by SisterSue 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That "intense" relationship had too many problems, didn't it? And along the way you have matured and now have a mature relationship. One that will pass the test of time! The "what ifs" and the "could'a, would'a, should'as" are all about the past. It belongs in the memory file, not in the present nor in the future! Your heart may skip a beat but focus on what you have, not on what used to be. You've got something good now; don't mess it up for something that didn't work the first time.
2007-10-31 12:19:05 · answer #3 · answered by missingora 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Stay away from him. You're with someone else now, and chances are, even if you did go back with "Mr. Nice Guy", he'd not be changed much if any.
Most people who are controlling stay that way. They can pretend long enough to get what they want, then back go their old ways.
You're better off with a mature companionship love that treats you good than an intense love that makes you miserable.
Trust me...you're better off. And who knows, you may just be happy for the rest of your life!
2007-10-31 12:45:57 · answer #4 · answered by Barbi T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I went thru that...Married one child, divorced, never should of, remarried, had two more kids, divorced, he divorced and now we are remarried taking care of all three kids. Life is funny. You always know who you truely love even if you have a different life and that love always has a way of returning. I think you should give your current marriage a good hard try and let it run its course. But just because you divorced the first one way back when..doesn't mean he won't be there to love you 10 years from now. Be greatful for such a person...they are still in your life..just sitting on the sidelines enjoying the fun!
2007-10-31 12:17:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG I think you had some serious lust for that guy! If you would have stayed I would bet money he would have cheated on you alot while you pine away waiting for him? its cool you went on with your life and found a man you love for who is is and not what he does in bed.Chemistry is a funny thing,I have even met guys(friends) who sleep with women they cannot stand because "shes hot" I would like to see a picture of that guy you found so hot and maybe still do after 9 years? go on and be happy with your STABLE hubby now.Fatal attraction is so not cool.The next time he comes up to you and says"that should have been my kid" tell him" well he's not and I am so happy now lets just leave it at that" *warning* do not go in or with him anywhere onto the property alone,he sounds like the type who would grab you,kiss you without asking to be a smart *** and piss off your hubby.good luck
2007-10-31 13:35:54 · answer #6 · answered by lisa m 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
everything happens for a reason and if you hadn't broken up you wouldn't be where you are today
i have 2 ex bf's families who tell me the same things, i'm flattered but i am happy with how my life has turned out and have no regrets and no "what ifs" and know that i gave all to those relationships and they weren't meant to be...what i'm saying is be flattered that he realizes he lost a good thing but remember that you have a good thing now and a bond between you and your child's father which can never be broken...don't spend time on the past because there were reasons you broke up and as the norm leopards don't change their spots - those issues would most likely be there the 2nd time around...also you really can't compare the love you felt for your ex and your current bf because the love you feel (felt) for each is different...
2007-10-31 12:24:23 · answer #7 · answered by beast 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is still controlling! " We should have stayed together, that child should be mine"?!! GEEZ. What a jerk to say that to a woman currently in another relationship ( and with a child even). He is a jerk. A controlling jerk still. Your emotions are just responding to that still. "Intense love" is an emotion, like fear. Maybe pick the counseling back up. ( You know to stay away from that guy). And hey, if not for yourself, for your child. You never know what these types are capable of. Stay away from him. Dont talk to him even.
2007-10-31 12:31:50 · answer #8 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I heard a saying once - "all elephants will eventually eat peanuts", meaning that if he was a controlling jerk then, even if he tries to act differently, his true colors will eventually show and you'll be right back to where you were.
It sounds like you haven't completely came to a closure with him, but you need to. And either way, don't make the mistake of going back, if even for a little while, just for "old time's sake". Don't make the same mistake twice.
Good luck.
2007-10-31 12:19:06 · answer #9 · answered by Dwight J 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
remind yourself why you moved on without your ex and consider the hurt and pain you would cause your current husband and child. your ex will feel like he should be with you coz no man wants his ex with another man and seeing them happy.get those crazy thoughts out your head and focus on your marriage and child. let the past stay in the past.sometimes love is not intense , it's respect , honor, companionship, devotion.
2007-10-31 12:38:17 · answer #10 · answered by praise t 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋