sharing email passwords with your spouse?

Question

Hi, I need some advice on this. We got married a few months ago after a year long courtship, much of it long distance. I am wondering how close married couples should be in terms of sharing email passwords and accounts. My belief is that there should be no secrets in a marriage, at least as far as possible, and my husband knows my email passwords (I programmed them into the computer we shared to encourage him to be honest).
He is not so open though.....and I still dont know his, he keeps them secret and is quite clear he doesnt want to share them.
Dont know if this should bother me, I trust him implicitly, and he seems quite devoted to me. Is it just a question of space? Maybe he is just not used to being so competely open, and the idea of being totally transparent scares him...?

Opinions?

Answer 1

The e-mail doesn't sound like the issue to me. On a more basic level it sounds like you're upset because you're giving something but not receiving in return (in other words you feel like this isn't bringing you two closer).

I'd approach it that way. Who knows if it's a question of space? You won't know unless you ask him. There isn't any "should" about it. If it bothers you it bothers you. Not hashing it out could lead to a trust problem. If he feels that he shouldn't give you passwords then he should be able to explain why. That's reasonable.

And for your part, what is it about his passwords that will make you happy? Can he fulfill that in another way?

For my part, my wife and I know some of each other's passwords and whatnot. At first she didn't care to know mine. I explained to her that I'm not guaranteed to be alive tomorrow so she needs to know some of my passwords. That brought her around.

On the other hand she's a member of all sorts of online groups. I don't know those accounts nor do I care to know. There's a certain amount of freedom I'm expected to give her. It's unreasonable otherwise.

Answer 2

Make a stand now, or be prepared to suffer under his control.

You are an equal to your husband, and you are still an individual. You don't have to share email accounts, passwords, private thoughts, etc... We don't need to know every single thing about our partners, and a lot of times its probably best that we don't. I know this probably flies in the face of your beliefs, but some day you will have the wisdom to know what I'm talking about.

Until then...

You should change your password and not say anything until he discovers that its no longer the same. When he asks you why you changed it, tell him that you are just following his lead. You decided that if its important for him to have some privacy , then you figured that it must be important for you to have some as well. If he throws your beliefs about having no secrets in your face, then ask him why its only you who is being held to that standard.

Assert yourself as an equal now, or be prepared to be controlled for a very long time.

Answer 3

After just entering your marriage there will be so many things that are foriegn to you and him, having just recently been leading your own individual lives. It takes time to develope the security you once had in the privacy of your OWN world, when it becomes someone elses. It is a great idea to share passwords. It is a trust builder. It shows that you have nothing to hide and only devotion for your spouse. He, being a guy, is going to need a lot of encouragement and a good example before he lets go of those old securities and puts his trust in yours. Keep incouraging and keeping loving. He will come around if he see's that you are not trying to pry, but want to be his world. good luck and God bless your new marriage.

Answer 4

That's a tough one. In an ideal world, we'd all trust our spouses 100% and not NEED to know passwords. Knowing each other's password is just acknowledging that you need or want to be able to check up on one another. If you trust him, then you won't need to do that. He may not be hiding something. He may just fundamentally believe certain things should be kept private. I know it bothers you and I have to be honest, it would bother me too. My husband and I don't share our passwords with each other (except for joint things like our banking stuff) and it's not an issue. Neither one of us feels the need to check up on one another which is good. I wouldn't worry about it. If you want him to know how you feel though, I would open a new account and NOT give him the password! :) I know that sounds so immature but it's really the only way he'll understand how you feel about keeping secrets. Believe me, if he's like most men, it will drive him NUTS that he doesn't know what you're doing with that account.

Answer 5

I think you should have a right to be scared. Just because you have his password does not mean that you will continually check the account. When I am married, the I will share my passwords with my new hubby. I don't think he will have a problem sharing his with me.

Now I will say that work passwords are a whole different matter. You can't and should not expect him to share his work email passwords with you. Then he could be crossing a line at work that he should not cross. But any personal accounts, you should both have access too.

Answer 6

You're reminding me of me. My ex-husband and i got married after a little over a year of dating, most of which was long distance (the military doesn't make it easy on couples). Anyway, E-mail is how i found out about other women sending him e-mails. He asked for divorce after a year and a half of marriage and 7 months of living together. I agree with all the other people who said that if he didn't have anything to hide he would have shared his password with you. I just don't want anyone else ending up like me. You have a reason to be suspicious - make sure you make that clear to him just as he made it clear that he doesn't want you knowing what his password is. Good Luck...

Answer 7

It should bother you. He is hiding something- but you already know this. It is unlikely that it is another woman since you were just married but not impossible. It is probably online chatting or porn. Get one thing straight- you do not trust him implicitly- you want to trust him implicitly. Even if he gives you the info he could obviously have a hidden email account. If you really want to know what's up- get a key stroke recorder. Don't be sneaky, tell him that you are going to do it. Tell him that you love him and that there isn't a problem too large for you to handle. Reassure him that he can be honest with you about anything. Tell him that this is the first of the many obstacles that you will have to face as a couple in your lifetime and that he can tell you anything. Do not compromise. This is not a negotiable point. If he will not bend- he does not understand marriage and will not honor it or you for long. You are 100% in the right.

Answer 8

If you trust him implicitly, then there appears to be no issue here. Since they are his passwords, he can choose to share or not. It's his call. Love would ask him if he is willing to share then accept his answer. If there are trust issues which you are not stating, then deal with those issues head-on. It's important to remember when in a relationship that we are still each individuals and have privacy rights. It's important to respect each others privacy, for instance knocking before coming into the bathroom, and asking before reading the others correspondence.

Answer 9

He might be hiding something... or he might not.

It is a toughie, but I think it's probably just him wanting some space. As someone else said, I don't especially like my husband reading my e-mails/forum posts/text messages or whatever or my shoulder, even though I have nothing to hide (heck, most of my writing has to do with mice, nothing suspicious there). It just makes a person uncomfortable.
I would sit down with him, and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. Just tell him what you told us, and y'all can work something out then. He may not have any idea that it bothers you! Make certain you do not make it sound accusing though, help him understand that you feel a certain way and that you aren't blaming him.

Answer 10

Unless he's giving you some reason to mistrust him, then why do you need his e-mail passwords?

My wife and I have a joint e-mail (family e-mail) account that is our primary. Then I have a personal yahoo one (and she does as well - I think). I don't know if she uses it or not.

I use mine for being on boards such as this - as I wouldn't want her knowing my discussion - kinda ruins the whole "anonomous" thing - right ?

If he wants to hide something - he will. Heck are you going to start going through the cell phone bill every month and ask him verify all his calls ? I don't think so.....

Let the poor guy have some privacy.

I'm all for not hiding things in a marriage - yet I still close the door to the loo when I'm doing my business (and expect her to do the same) !!! I don't think she's cheating on me or hiding anything when she's in the bathroom ?!?!? I just don't need THAT much openness in my marriage !!! Kinda ruins it.