My husband and I are "taking a break"; since my son and I left, he's been letting himself fall for someone else. I saw our phone bill - 1200 text messages and 70 phone calls between them in 16 days. My neighbors also told me she's been going over there consistently. My husband says nothing "sexual" has happened, but has admitted to feeling more than friendly towards her and kissing her. I wanted to try to fix our marriage; he seems to have given up. Do I fight for my family, or has this gone too far to be saved? I don't think I can forgive him for getting involved with someone else while he's still married to me, and before I found all this out, he said he was willing to try marriage counseling; now because she's in the picture, I dont think he wants to try to fix the damage he's caused. What should I do?
2007-10-31 04:29:50 · 24 answers · asked by Nikki 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The break was his idea, not mine; I didn't want to leave but he said he deserves to stay in our apartment because he "pays all the bills", so I'm staying with his family right now, who don't agree with their son's behavior.
2007-10-31 04:57:00 · update #1
he wanted the break so he could pursue her, and had it all planned ahead of time. why would u fight for something when he doesn't want it. he just told u he was willing to seek counseling to get u to move out. now because of her he won't be doing any marriage counseling. i wouldn't hold onto any hope here, he has already chosen her over u and your child. and who wants to be second best. a man will go in the direction of his desires, and thoughts. file for divorce, get spousal support, and your child support, have your attorney freeze his as setts, and send him a message that what he has done to u is not okay.
2007-10-31 06:37:54 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why did you need the break in the first place? Clearly your marriage was on the rocks then and its gotten worse now. Is it OK for you to 'take the break' and then try to get your husband back when he's found someone else?
Any relationship, no matter what, is held by certain emotional hooks. Just as a hanging coat falls when the hook breaks, the relationship also withers when the emotional hooks give way.
There is no way to FORCE your husband into it whatsoever. The only way out is to rebuild the emotional hooks that held this relationship.
I can see atleast 2 ways you can do that:
1) Revisit the days when he used to dote on you and find out what you did then that you are not doing now. Reignite that love in his heart by being the woman he loved the most.
2) Identify what you do now that he hates. Hint: most married women nag a lot about everything. Men simply hate that. Avoid all such things.
3) Use your son as the emotional hook. If not for you, atleast he may want to stay back for his sake
Hope thigs work out fine for you
2007-10-31 11:43:55 · answer #2 · answered by Amit P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is about learning - could you both come out of this having learnt anything that can be used to make things different. You can never forget the past - and you never should - you should only learn from it.
It doesn't matter if he has slept with her or not - and don't try to find this out - what matters is whether he is willing to close the door on whatever he is up to and focus on the vows he signed up to when you got married. There is also another thing - regardless of whether he says he has slept with her or not he MUST take an Aids test so that you can be sure in your own mind that you are safe regardless of what the truth may be.
Here's a strange suggestion but I suggest you try it...print out your wedding vows and sign and date them, then give them to him for him to sign and date. Frame that document and stick it by the side of his bed, and put a copy in his wallet. If he won't (especially if he dismisses it as silly - there's nothing silly about the vows you make when you get married) then you know what to do, and if he signs them and carrys on elsewhere you have a rock solid good reason to end it and boot him out of house and home.
If he won't attend counselling then also kick him out.
This is the moment that decides whether you are on a break or actually broken.
2007-10-31 11:43:21 · answer #3 · answered by Paul M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband has chosen. You need to get a lawyer. And what the heck is he doing in the house, the person taking care of the children always gets the house. You really need to know your rights at this point. I don't know why you left to begin with but I can take a wild guess. Emotional abuse is considered the same as physical abuse by most judges and can actually be more harmful because of its long lasting affects on the perpetrated. Get with a family member or really close friend who has knowledge in this arena and spill the beans. Good luck!
2007-10-31 11:46:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
the only thing you can do is to file for divorce and move on. If he cared for you at all he would be trying to be on his best behavior at least until he got you back but the fact that he has all these text messages and phone calls shows he doesn't care.
I think that perhaps if you file for divorce he may decide to change a bit because he sound immature but to continue in this relationship after he has done all of this is to show your son that it is okay to marry and then cheat on a spouse and it is better to move on and find someone who doesn't feel the need to cheat.
He may want to come back and work things out after the divorce papers are signed but he had his chance and blew it. Find a god attorney - you can get one at legal aid if you can't afford one - and get your house back and the divorce. Good Luck!!
2007-10-31 11:41:07 · answer #5 · answered by Al B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Is this the first time this has happened with him? Do you believe what he is telling you? Only the truth can set the direction you take. I would say at the very least he must stop this relationship immediately and commit to you and your family. Without exception. It could take months for you to relearn trust with him. Counseling is probably a good idea also. If he won't commit immediately you should secure your assets and get a legal separation.
2007-10-31 11:47:16 · answer #6 · answered by Sudy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been there. I'm sorry to say this but just let him go. Its better to let him go now than feel more pain later. You already said that you won't be able to forgive him. Spare yourself the misery and get it over with now that way you can go out there and find someone you deserve. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I tried counseling and he left anyway. Good Luck.
2007-10-31 11:37:47 · answer #7 · answered by K9Girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is going over there constantly you know they are doing more than kissing you're only getting half facts and if you knew the other half you would be totally devastated... If i were you i would contact the other woman and say something like hubby tells me you guys are sleeping together and you want to know if she is serious about him so you can move on try to catch her totally off guard, kissing is bad enough but picture them rolling around naked in bed together it will make the choice a lot easier...
2007-10-31 11:47:05 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's not sleeping with her, yeah right. It sounds like he has made his choice why bang your head. The scum bag would probably try and have the 2 of you on the go sexualy. It seems he moved into that scene pretty quickly for someone "taking a break" Do yourself a favour and move on.
2007-10-31 11:42:37 · answer #9 · answered by unpublished critic 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you can fix this unless your husband is willing to come clean.
Personally, I'd be gone. He's not being 100% honest and it sounds like he's already moved on.
You don't need to live with a cheater. Try to stay away from him if you can. He's adding too much stress.
2007-10-31 11:34:05 · answer #10 · answered by katydid 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋