Am I overreacting?

Question

I've only been married for a month and I'm starting to feel like my husband is already not appreciating me. I run a business from my home and I have to bring in 60% of the money. I don't do things like buy clothes or get my nails done because I want to save money. I'm starting to resent this only because I don't see him making the same sacrifices. He wanted something the other day and I said it was expensive and his response was "It's ok, you'll make up the extra money"... I'm tired of "making up" I want to save so we can get ahead. I even gave up my costume this year so he could have the one he wanted. On top of working 10 hours a day, I do ALL the housework. He doesn't acknowledge when it's done but he complains when it's not. And little things like he will take the pillow from under my head or leave his dishes for me to clean up, leaves his clothes everywhere... I'm exhausted, I work ALL the time and it's only two of us! What can I do to make him appreciate what I do and help out???

I know he loves me, there is no question about that, but he is from a culture that is kind of male-dominated and maybe that's the problem? he's a very hyper person, I always tease him that he's borderline ADD... Maybe this is just who he is and I'm going to have to get used to it?

Answer 1

I don't know that you are overreacting. You sound exhausted. You state that "already your husband is not appreciating" you. Who has told you that this will happen? You know that you get what you look for? I have been married for 16 years and while my husband has on occassion taken the pillow from under my head (it infuraites me), he does appreciate me. I think that you are having the feeling that he is not living up to end of the deal and so there is a temptation to say that he is being unappreciative. I can tell that you are not a lover of conflict. You just want to do the boohoo for me thing (I do that too). You have to teach people how to treat you and the first month of your marriage is a fine place to start. I don't know that you necessarily want him to make the same sacrifices. I think that you do not want to be busting your butt. I think that you need a break. If you are both working, you should both be cleaning unless you have some understanding about the division of labor. My father told me when I got married to renegotaite every three years. Things change, people change and the environment that you create should accomodate those shifts. Do not wait for him to read your mind or to thank you for doing what he thinks is "your job". The bottom line is you feel that you are doing more than your share and you need to talk about it. Don't accuse him of not appreciating you. That is not the problem. Helping people that you love with a problem or with a job is a great feeling. People love to come to the rescue of others. Don't rob him of this by being critical. And since you are just starting out I will give you a piece of wisdom that took many years to learn- men just want you to be nice to them. Period.

Answer 2

Wow. Only a month and all this resentment and grudge?

You both have definately gotten into this relationship with an enormous amount of unspoken and non-communicated expectations.

First of all, stop harboring your emotions and plan a nice evening together, so you both can sit down in a relaxed atmosphere where you can put ALL the cards on the table and lovingly discuss and talk about it.

the 60%, and extra money, and sacrifices, etc. are all seemingly ventful statements that would normally have been communicated before marriage, seeing that you are only married a month. What happened to all the communications about all of these monetary matters before marriage? Did you not even discuss any money matters???

Your marriage is being taken backseat to your personal finances, pleasures, and perspectives.

You both need to see a marriage counselor immediately, or your finances will fine, but your marriage will be destroyed. You have blown up on here venting and this is usually the result of unresolved issues and extreme lack of communication.

Your marriage "should" be more important than money. Please go see some help to save your marriage.

Answer 3

Looks like you two need to set some sort of schedule for housework together, talk about responsibilities, savings, budget, and all of the things you obviously neglected to discuss BEFORE you got married.

It takes TWO to make a marriage work, and one person should not have to bear the brunt of most of the responsibilities.

Your husband seems to want to remain a kid, while you are the responsible one.

You can't make him appreciate anything, but you can stop giving in to his whims, make a plan and stick to it.

Poop on his culture and the fact he is from a male-oriented society... he sure doesn't act like it...

do you want a man or a child?

Answer 4

Something doesn't make sense, if he's from a "male-dominant" culture then "HE" should be making all the money and you should be free to take care of the house at your leisure, no? It sounds like he just never grew up. He loves you but then takes your pillow? Are you kidding me...or are you just kidding yourself? Sit him down and have a very serious talk with the boy. Explain how things are in the real world and remind him that his mother doesn't live there.

Answer 5

I don't know I think that just subtly making him help out or take some innitiative occassionally will make things tremendously better. Maybe if he gets a job with more responsibility he will understand the effort and sacrifice you put into the relationship, but changing the way a man thinks is hard to do.

Answer 6

You need to sit down and have a good old heart to heart with him before it gets to be a habit. Let him know how you feel, and then if it keeps up, make sure to let him know (in a non-argumentative way) IN THE MOMENT so he can see what he's doing. Don't nag him incessantly but make sure he can see how he's wrong because just telling him may not convince him.

If it doesn't help or he's combative/unwilling to work on it, then you might be needing an annulment. You don't want the rest of your life to be this way.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

If his culture is male-dominated and you are not ok with it, then you either need to leave or learn to live with it.

He will not understand your gripe. You need to decide what is right for you now and in the future (how you want your children to grow up).

Most important, make the decision NOW. It will be much much less painful than deciding later.

Accept it or move on!

Answer 9

He is happy that he has someone to take care of his needs, he is not interested in your needs. He has his maid and also extra money to satisfy his needs.
Listen to me, if you don't fix this now it will get worse to the point where you will be looking for divorce.
Get him to fall in line with some sound rules for your relationship, he needs to know that you are not his provider and that you are both to support each others needs.

Answer 10

No, you have every right. He sounds like a bit of a selfish red neck. These issues need to be addressed. He is taking advantage of you completely. You need to discuss that he does not have free reign over spending and you are not a slave.