Should I stay or divorce? On the fence for 5 years.?

Question

Brief history: Moved in together after a 2 month trip where we had travelled together, and 1st met. 2 years later, had a child, unplanned. Went home for a family reunion and was highly pressured into getting married, so we did. Married 7.5 yrs and have 2 children. He is from a less well off family and therefore our views on $ are different. He is also not into going out much. I've been begging for dates for 7 yrs. Simple, nothing fancy. He often uses $ as the reason we do not go out. But a picnic or hike costs nothing. (We do make 100k a year) Over the yrs, I have outletted to several men - all flirty friendships, but close to "the line." At this point, I feel that I need more. I feel guilty for my flirtations and know that they may continue in the future. I do not want to hurt anyone, especially our children. But, I do not want to continue to feel this way "on the fence" for another 5 yrs. We are on our 3rd round of therapy and he is asking me do make my choice NOW.

Answer 1

You are placing the blame solely on him...it seems that you refuse to accept any responsibility for your relationship ("pressured" to get married, "forced" to have kids) and any responsabilty for your marital problems, and I'm sorry but it takes two to make a relationship work or fail.

It seems to me that you are far more interested into indulging into flirtatious behavior with the opposite sex than to fix your marriage. As long as you keep on entertaining the attention of other men, your marriage will appear boring. You are playing with fire here and finding excuses to justify your behavior.

You're going through a mid-life crisis and the 7 year itch. You have to make a decision, but you cannot have it both ways. You have a beautiful family and a husband that wants to be home with you. If that's his worse defect, consider yourself blessed.

The grass is never greener on the other side.

Good luck

Answer 2

To me, it sounds more like you two need to talk so you can work out some basic differences that should have been talked about 8 or 9 years ago. Marriage is a job, just like the one you get paid to do for your boss. You don't earn a paycheck or bonuses for your marriage, but you do earn a life-time of love and respect from your spouse. You can't work for your boss only part of the time and expect to get the job done, and you can't do that with your marriage either. You have to work to make a marriage work.

1. Getting married because you were "pressured" into it, is never a good idea. Nobody knows what goes on between two people, except those two people. If you weren't married 7 years ago at the family reunion, you probably had a reason for it. What was it?

2. Everybody's idea of "romance" is a bit different. Your's might be a hotel suite, a hot-tub, candlelight and champaign. His might be candles, soft music and you on the sofa in the living room. Have you talked about it, or are you just assuming that he can't meet your "needs"?

3. Obviously, the two of you have two different personality styles. Is this bad? Nope, just reality. You are more outgoing, and he's a home-body. Talk about it, and find a happy medium or a compromise. Schedule a "date-night" once a month. On the even-numbered months, you go out to do something whether it's a concert or a movie or a picnic. On the odd-numbered months, you stay at home or order take-out or rent a movie. Either way, hire a baby-sitter! You can't have a "date" with a couple of kids underfoot.

4. Money problems and differences are the biggest reason people get divorced. Making around $100k there should be money for going out, unless you're living way beyond your means and he feels pressured not to spend any extra. Are you constantly running out of money at the end of the month? Are you constantly behind in your bills? Are you making it every month only because he's pulling 20 or 30 hours of over-time every week, which leaves him too tired to "date"? Maybe his point-of-view isn't so warped if you look at all the details.

5. Fooling around, whether you've "sealed the deal" or not, isn't a good idea. One of those men might not back off when you've flirted and teased. I'm also pretty sure that if you found out Mr. Hubby had been "flirting and teasing", you wouldn't be very happy about it. Marriage is a one-on-one relationship. You can look, you can think, but you can't act on it ... ever. If you do, you've destroyed your marriage all on your own. You "feel that you need more", have you asked Mr. Hubby to give it to you? Maybe you should "flirt and tease" with him instead of the man on the street.

6. Therapy only works if you're truly working the therapy. What has your counselor suggested? Have you done that? If not, why are you wasting the time and money for counseling?

7. If you've tried everything above, then you need to decide for yourself if it's time to end your marriage. Being "pressured" into that decision won't work out any better than being "pressured" into getting married in the first place. There will always be a lingering doubt that maybe we could have ___ or we should have ___.

Make two lists -- why to stay and why to go. Write down every reason you can think of for both, and set the list to the side for a few days (weeks, months, etc.) When you go back to your lists, see if your reasons are still valid. If they are, see which list is more important -- weigh out the reasons. If the reasons tilt towards "go" instead of "stay", start making your plans to go. If not, start making your marriage work.

8. If you decide to "go", follow all the steps for going. Decide if you can raise your kids on your own. Find a place to live. Hire a lawyer and file for a separation or divorce. Divide your belongings. Find a baby-sitter and support system. Get counseling for you and your kids. And, do not, bring another man into those kids' lives until you are damned sure that you are willing to put them through another divorce / separation if something goes wrong again.

Answer 3

With an income of over 100K a year, lack of money is not your problem, possibly management is an issue. I beleive there are more underlying problems. Regardless of the money, you said you are on your third round of therapy. I have my doubts if anything will ever change in this marriage, since the problems should have changed after the first therapy. If you make a decision now, be sure you can live with the consequences. You have more than yourself to consider, although I don't always agree in staying in a marriage for the kids. There is no hurry in deciding. After all, we are talking about your future. Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

The "flirty friendships" are never right. You are in the wrong here I am afraid. Your marriage isnt living up to your expectations or as fun as you would like. But, it would be selfish to divorce from what I see just on this question. It is also selfish to continue with these "flirtations". So the 2 of you have $$ differences and he is a homebody. If there is no abuse, make it work. good-luck.

Answer 5

Marriage is to be worked, any relationship for that matter! You are going through some hard time, and you seemed to have a feeling that you rushed into marriage too quickly. You have used words like unplanned, forced etc, sounds like you do not want to take responsibility, what ever happened you were a part of it, First you have to accept this. Life did not take shape like you wanted, the truth is life plans us.

He is from a different financial background hence values money, holds on to it, economical in his spending, and plans a lot. This is true about him, saying i love you is loving someone completely and not saying i love some aspects of the person and some parts i dont like. I do not want to be judgemental. Have you discussed this with your husband and expressed how you feel?? Be honest to him and confess your pain. Appreciate his hard work, his financial management and suggest to him that you want to spend some quality time with him. he is saving for the family becaue he was deprived in some way during his own life, and does not want this to be repeated in his children's life. Find out what is going on his mind and find out what bothers him.
Outside thrills my feed your ego, guilt is a feeling within us when we know we are doing something worng. With this feeling inside you are surly not going to be happy with someone else, then why indulge in this act, is it a way for feeling victorious??? Have you thought of the consequences of your relationship with your children? Or for that matter your family. There is nothing like talking to your husband about how you feel and also let him know that of late your feelings are towards ending this relationship. Tell him how miserable you feel and want this marriage to work. What changes is needed get his participation, let him know that money cannot buy happiness. . After your best attempts you have the right to make a choice on your future. After all you are the one who has to feel happy. But ask yourself what is happiness??

Answer 6

5 years on the fence? You made up your mind a long time ago, you are just too scared to act on it. Why not a "trial separation"? This will give you both some space and time to see how you really feel w/o the pressure of the other person being around.

Good luck.

Answer 7

i would say to him just what you have said to us... you enjoy spending time together but are worried about the quality of that time and that you need one on one time with him. if he is unwilling to change maybe a trial separation is in order. i say trial because, so far you have not given me the first reason to divorce.
now... about your actions... you are only making a bad situation worse. you made a vow to him to be faithful and you must fulfill it. i say this because i think you know that if you don't give 100% you shall never get 100% ( or even close ) back. you should not cloud your judgement about your relationship with other possible relationships. if there is one thing that i have learned over the years... it is that the grass only appears to be greener on the other side....

Answer 8

Do what you feel is right and i think that you already know what your decision is. You're obviously not happy and being miserable isn't going to make things any better further down the road. I'm not saying Leave Him and I'm not telling you to Stay because my opinion doesn't matter but what does matter is what YOU want. If you think that your marriage is not going to last then you know what to do and save yourself pain and time and get it over with now.

Answer 9

If this marriage doesn't satisfy you, then divorce him because it probably won't get better. So if you are not willing to settle for the way it is, then move on. Children are hurt by divorce, but they are also hurt by unhappy parents.

Answer 10

Divorce!