My bf's past has just come out and I'm torn and undecided...?

Question

Hello. I have been reading these boards for some time and have never had a reason to post a question until now...

My bf and I have been together for 5 months. Everthing was pretty darn good until recently. He has a woman friend that he work with and they are very good friends, which is fine, actually I've met and hung out with her and her husband several times. I couldn't shake this uneasy feeling I would have around them. I asked a few imes if anything had ever gone on and my bf's reply was "No, I care about her, she and her husband are really good friends of mine". I listened but quite honestly didn't buy it because my gut was telling me otherwise. So after a few months I hear again that someone thought that he and this married woman WERE messing around at one point (someone that works with them and had a feeling as well). So ow I have m gut telling me something AND a person telling me they thought the same thing. So I did something kind of shady and sat him down and said "I know eveything that happened with you and her. You need to tell me the truth now or I am out the door." So he started by saying "Okay, well about a year ago..." and I stopped him. I didn't want to hear the datails, I just wanted him to admit it. So I broke down bawling and asked "how could you to this to her husband, how could you do something with a MARRIED woman, what if your wife did that, if you don't respect marriage vows how can you respect OUR commitment??" I could tell he felt horrible and remorseful and he told me how awful he's been feeling and how he knows it was a huge mistake. I never thought he did anything while with me, he has never acted weird or lied as far as I know. This other person said that she was suspicious last year and that she hasn't heard anything since last year.

I know this is long...so it KILLS me that she was being all friendly and we were hanging out with her and her HUSBAND! How could they both act like everything was okay knowing what they did??? Needless-to-say, they are both scared *hitless now because if I found out so could her husband. My question is, is everyone entitled to a mistake (and he's 27, she's 25)? Should I chalk this up to the past and try to move on? I just don't know if I can look at him the same anymore...we've decided to "get through this" but I am nervous to see him face to face, I'm afraid I will feel disgusted instead of hopeful. What would you all do?

After reading answers I wanted to clarify...I don't think he cheated on me, that's not the issue. The issue is that he knew she was married and was friends with her husband. Also, it's not something I just heard..he admitted to it. I made it crystal clear that I will NOT be around her at all! I can't be. Lastly, I have fantasized about telling her husband but would NEVER EVER do that because he is thee sweetest guy and it would kill him! That's not an option to me which is why I refuse to be around them at all, I don't trust myself if I have to face her fake face again...thanks everyone!

I know it's a long post but please read it before answering...in response to "persona"'s reply...I DON'T hang out with them anymore and told my bf that I would NEVER again. And my biggest issue is not that he has had sex with others before me but that he did it with a MARRIED woman...

Thank you everyone

Answer 1

you did your homework and unfortunately found out the awful truth...people can learn and grow from their mistakes and although he is capable of it, it doesn't necessarily mean he will do the same to you...people can get confused from time to time and don't think before they act - please don't think i'm trying to justify what he did but he was in a different place in his life then and whatever happened before the two of you started dating really isn't your business...some people do learn and grow from their mistakes and i'm sure you have done at least one thing in life that you were ashamed and embarassed of and knew was a mistake and would change or not do if you could...

what you really need to figure out is if what you feel for him and your relationship is worth saving...if you decide it is then honestly only time will help heal your wounds and although you will be able to trust him to an extent again there will always be a question mark in the back of your head...good luck

Answer 2

Hi..

You can't control what happened in your boyfriend's past, and this affair-event happened before you were together. He admitted it was a big mistake, and you did mention he seemed embarrassed and ashamed.

We are all only human... and do make mistakes. I'm sure your boyfriend and this woman weren't using their heads during the time they had the affair... sometimes two people have a chemical/physical attraction, and instead of controlling themselves, they do something dumb. I think that, because of your boyfriend's reaction to what you said, he does have a lot of remorse, and realizes it was a huge mistake.

If, on the other hand, he would have become defensive and rationalized the affair, you'd have reason to mistrust him. People who show no remorse, are the ones to watch out for, hon.

If it were me, i'd move forward. And never bring it up again -- let it go, and let the past be what it is -- gone.

If you can't look at him the same anymore, maybe it's because you have some trust issues, and you are basing the present on his past. Maybe you have other, general trust issues, which have nothing to do with this man in particular?

If it were ME i give it some time. You have only been together for 5 months, and it takes a good year or two to really get to know someone else.... believe me, it's true.. i have a lot of life experience, and i can tell you, you will discover things about each other for quite a while.

I would not suggest rushing into marriage, either.... not just with him, but anyone. Take your time... do it for you.

take care too

Answer 3

Look honey, he said he is remorseful, but he still hung out with her and took you along. You really have to think about this because if you don't think you can forgive and forget things are not going to work. You are always going to have the feeling if he is going to do that again and where and how. You're always going to be asking yourself if you are ever going to find out something else. That is not the way to live. Unless you can actually forgive and forget your relationship is not going to work. I went thru something similar, but during the time my hubby and I split up, we were not married at the time, but we were still talking. We had shared too many things together to just let go very easily. He came clean to me, but we were not together at the time, we had split up. It was not easy, but I forgave him. We got married and for the first year or so I had a very hard time to trust him again and always thinking if he ever thought about her. I'm not sure if I would've been able to forgive him if he would have done it while we were together, but that was not the case. You really have to think about it and decide what is best for you.

Edit: You seem like it hurt you the fact that he didn't respect her marriage and since she didn't either, what makes you think that she is not wanting or trying to do the same thing again with him? He is still going to work around her and see her every day. How does that make you feel?

Answer 4

I'm answering you from the perspective of the female friend because that is what I once was. Note I said WAS...I am now his wife. If your man insists on having a relationship with this woman, your relationship is in danger. My husband and I had once dated and broke up. We both went on to marry other people, but remained strictly friends. When our marriages broke up ten years apart and in no part due to our friendship...We found ourselves back together. You should be concerned that this woman is so willing to step outside her marriage and your bf has a habit of lying by omission.
Having that woman as an ever present temptation for your bf in your life is going to be difficult. Are you willing to trust your bf when he says it will never happen again? If not, you need to move on. My husband and I did not cheat physically or emotionally on our spouses, but knowing the other was probably an option made leaving easier.

Answer 5

Honestly, I think that this is a decision that has to be made by you and you alone. You are the best judge of how you feel, and me nor anyone else on here can tell you what to do. What I suggest is this,,,you love him for a reason,,,you want to be committed to him for a reason, and don't let go of that, what he did was wrong, but it takes two people, and for what ever purpose, it happened, and hasn't happened again. They were both searching for something, and thought they had found it in each other, and realized they did not.....and what he found was YOU!!! I think that this was in his past, and maybe they can be just friends, and let it go,,,but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that he was HONEST with you, and she still has been dishonest with her husband,,,therefore, I probably would not trust her a whole lot,,,but maybe she has also realized her mistake, and wants to be with her husband,,,and just can't bring her self to tell him,,but that has to also be her choice, and not your's,,,,and just know that it was his past and not his present with you, or his future,,,,and know that if someone can lie once,,,,they can lie twice,,,don't hold it against him this time, but I would make it clear to him that when you ask him a question,,,you deserve the truth, and not to be lied to wether it be about his past or his future,,,and I do think everyone deserves a second chance, it is how they appreciate that 2nd chance that matters. and If you feel like he is still connected to her somehow,,,then I would move on.

But like I said, It has to be your decision and I do honestly wish you the best of luck, because it is hard, to feel like you have been thinking one way about someone, and find out their another way.....but don't let your heart tell you what to do,,,listen to your head,,,,


Daphne

Answer 6

Everyone has a past. For some it is something simple like kissing a friend's love interest while for others it is something as complicated as messing around with a married woman. Forgiveness is power. Grudges take away control. Long story short, forgive him. As long as there was nothing going on while you were in the picture you are in the clear. Maybe he stopped because of you! Maybe you showed him how important marrige vows are. He is obviously no involved anymore. Why beat him up over something that has nothing to do with the 2 of you. Forgive and forget. UNLESS HE CHEATS ON YOU!!

Answer 7

look this guy made a mistake before you came along so whats the deal he wasnt proud of it and wanted it to go away and you found out which makes him feel worse than he did to start with and they are still friends now which means that they arent intimate anymore which is good news the past should be dropped and if you cant get past something that happened in the past what do you do now what if he got pissed because of an old bf of yours there isnt any difference now is there as always listen to your gut feeling and trust but verify everything but if it were me i would not give it another thought it has already taken enough of your time away from each other you have given it its 15 minutes now forget it hon and lead a happy life

Answer 8

How can you say he is honest, he only told you when he thought you already know. and He was trying to hide from you all this time.

Leaving him will be wrong, However that woman's husband has right to know the truth, all of you must sit down and discuss this matter, this way they both will not dare to do such thing again, They will ignore each other.

Don't forgive him tht easily, don't talk too much with him for some time and be serious.otherwise he will think you are weak and he will have guts to cheat on you again.

Answer 9

I agree--what your boyfriend and his coworker did was incredibly disrespectful, dishonest and wrong. I'm assuming by your tone that you were not dating him when this went on. For this reason, I would try to forgive him and move on, since he has expressed remorse. But at the same time, you should ask yourself some important questions: Do I still love him? Do I trust him? Can I see myself being with him in spite of this past mistake? Will this be hanging over our heads for the remainder of the relationship? Only you can really decide if he's worth your time and love--none of us can answer that.

As for the husband, it's really up to the female coworker to decide on whether or not she wants to tell him. If at this point you are good friends with her, you could try talking to her, but keep in mind that it's not your place to tell him.

Answer 10

this is an easy one, he did it once and continues to keep her in his life, there is a connection there between them, your never gonna look at her the same and the husband has a right to know, they are playing with yours and the husbands lives. he was deceving you and now he is deceving the husband, do you think the husband is gonna want your boyfriend to reamin friends with his wife. and do you think you don't have that same right.. do you think you should let him remain freinds with a woman he had an affair with,, time for the ultimatium. he can't be friends with a woman he slept with, and continue to be your boyfriend and this woman can't be friends with a man she slept with the husband not know.. that's is not fair to either one of you. so it's time for him to either clear the air and tell the husband or call the friendship with the two off, he would have to do this anyway in order for you two go on and work through your own problems..something has to come to a stop, i guess what it really boils down to is what is most important in his life, his realationship with you or her and his deception towards the husband. really it all comes down to where your boyfriends morals lie.. does he love you more than his friendship with her. i think you need to comfront her and tell her what you know and she also has a choice, but either way the husband has a right to know and someone needs to man up and tell him or they need to all just get out of your life because i think you deserve better than to be brought into the middle of everyones lies. and now you will be lying to that poor husband and he doesn't deserve that..i hope he makes the right decision and kills the friendship with her and changes his job, if he really loves you i think he will do whatever it take to make things between you two good again. but stand your ground, don't sacriface your morals and your better judgement for anyone, because before you know it you will look in the mirror and not know the woman in the mirror good luck