Why can't I move past his affair?

Question

My husband of 13 yrs had an affair 2 years ago. He was very far away from home working after hurricane Katrina, he was gone for 10 months, we only saw each other 4 times in that period, we were having extreme financial difficulties(which is why he even took the job away from home to start with), and I was falling into depression. Not any of which are excuses to cheat on your spouse, but in time...it has made me see a little of how it could happen. Things were not as great here as I made them out to be. Anyway, it all came out, we went to therapy and things got a lot better. I would even say the emotional and even physical connection we have now is stronger than ever. But it seems the past couple of months it has just been on my mind constantly, and I find myself throwing verbal jabs before I even realize it. Yes, he screwed up but he has also done everything he could possibly do to make things right again. I have never met or even seen this woman that made it a point after he came home

to make sure I knew every explicit detail. She tried to drag this on for over a year. I think she has finally let it go, but my hate for her is still there. I even tried to call and forgive her, it made me feel a little better at the time, but then she started with all the "details" again...pretending to be friendly. So I cut her off completely. Why do I still hate her so much, I want to forgive, but I cannot stop dwelling on it. I love my husband, and I am so glad we have healed our marriage...how do I heal myself. How do I get the nagging thoughts, visions, and questions out of my head? Anyone who has been there...am I normal, or am I just incapable of forgiveness?

Answer 1

You know, being physically hurt you can heal faster than when it's your mind and heart that are hurt.
So, although you do understand where your hubby is coming from, and good on you for being realistic, it doesn't mean that things are any easier; It hurts and it would, because it's your man and you love him.
Now, he's back and you two know that it's not an experience either of you want to repeat, and he obviously loves you.
He could have just said good bye and not come back.
Try and imagine life without him? Is it possible? Would you rather be alone or with someone else? What if he were hurt somewhere? If you can't stand any of those thoughts, then you have to make sure you try your utmost to move forward, and leave the past behind.
This woman could have won. She hasn't. She's a b***h for trying to ruin for you even when she knew she couldn't have your husband.
Don't let her win.
On the other hand, you do have to give yourself some time.
It's hard to learn to trust again and to forget, even when we have forgiven.
But, just keep thinking, if you had nearly lost your hubby to death, and God gave you a second chance, you would definitely make sure that you wouldn't spend it on anything which has caused you harm or unhappiness.
In your heart, say good bye to the past, open yourself to a new chance with your hubby!

Answer 2

Noone is incapable of forgiveness, it's a choice and by not forgiving her you are going against God's command. What if Jesus didn't die on that cross to forgive our sins? So forgive her and do it from the heart you will be much better for it. Just remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean you agree with or accept what they did it just means you forgive them. Then I would cut off all communication with her, why wouldn't you, but that doesn't mean you haven't truly forgiven her you are just allowing yourself to heal.

Now as for your husband, he is the one who committed to you in your wedding vows, he is the one who broke promises to you and he is the one you should "hate" as you put it. Not literally but figuratively. That's why in God's word he allows divorce (even though he hates it) when one party to the marriage cheats, because it such a violation of everything marriage is suppose to be based on. I am sorry to say it sweetheart but I think you are making excuses for your husband and ready to burn his mistress at the stake. She isn't the one who made any promises to you, she is just the homewrecking whore that she is.

I would recommend reading the book "Women who love too much" it's about stories just like yours and how women can be codependent and by reading your post you definetly sound like you could be codependent. It's not a BAD thing necessarily it's just something that you could look into which might help you work on yourself and realize that you cannot cause another person to hurt you and you cannot force another person to be anything there not. You can find the book on Amazon.com and it's less than ten bucks, for sure a good read!! Good Luck!!

Answer 3

You were betrayed in one of the worse ways. Your husband is just going to have to live with the consequences of his behavior. He blew it.
I don't think it's unusual for you to still be hurt. Even though he's working on the marriage and things are getting better, you won't likely FORGET what happened.
Disconnect 100% from the other woman. She's a skank and the fact that she's giving you details tells us she wants to hurt you.
Keep up the counseling. You are grieving for the husband you thought you had. He's trying but his screw-up will likely haunt your marriage for years to come. If he's a man, he'll deal with the consequences of his action and keep trying to make it better. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

You're very normal, 13 years of love and trust blown away by what HE did, all I can tell you is good for you for wanting to do the work with him to get past this, its going to take time to rebuild the love and trust that was thrown away. He's there with you, did you hear that, he's there with you. The other woman doesn't compare to you, thank her for making your marriage stronger. Thats what i read in your words that the two of you are working to make your marriage stronger. Give yourself time to heal and forgive him, if he's doing everything he can to make it up to you, words and actions that should tell you and reassure you that he's your husband and that he loves you.

Answer 5

True forgiveness takes a long time but it does come. You sound as if your love is strong and that should be what you concentrate on now, your love for each other.

It did not help, getting details, so stop listening and just concentrate on the future. Maybe even so more therapy on your part will help you accept the past.

Good Luck

Answer 6

it takes a long time to get over something like this. i'm going through the same thing. sometimes i just have bad days where the smallest things set me off. it got to the point that thinking about it all day every day was starting to effect my normal life. my doctor put me on anti-depressants and it has really helped. maybe you could try that. i'm not saying that medication is the answer, some people don't believe in it, but it worked for me. that and you might want to think about getting yourself some individual counseling.

Answer 7

My question is do you feel it is your fault? That maybe why you have your mind racing over it. Forgive yourself... Forgive yourself for every thought you may have thought that it could have been your fault... As you state, it isn't excuses to cheat on a spouse but you could see how it could happen... You;re blaming yourself... I know it is easier said then done, but get back to yourself... Forgive yourself, and try to find things to do with your husband that brings joy into your life. Best of luck!

Answer 8

Replacement.

Your mind, heart and thoughts is like a cup. It will be filled with something.

In working with hurting couples, we have noticed the amazing results when "replacing" the negative with positive.

What can help tremendously, is to VIGOROUSLY make positive, active, physical memories. "Beauty for ashes..."

Kick it into 5th gear, and do much physical and emotionally healthy activities that will fill your head and heart with brand new memories. If you are idle, and bored, and lonely and doing nothing, you are creating an environment for negative emotions to feed upon. "The idle mind is the devil's workshop" one quote has said.

Become very active, but not active alone. Do active things that you both enjoy, whether sports, playing hide seek in the house, or paintball, or arcade games, whatever... to create new, loving, happy memories.

Believe me, in time, these new and fresh, happy memories will push out the older memories, and they will be faded memories, instead of vibrant, heart-hurting memories.

Make it work!

Answer 9

Yeah I was there once, and I left the man. I couldn't forgive him. Oh I tried, and when I realized I was mean and hateful to him in our every interaction, even when he was being nice and sweet to me, I realized I had to leave because things would never be the same. After I ended that horrible relationship, I began seeing who is now my wonderful husband and I have NEVER been happier. This one is loyal and would never cheat on me. Why be with someone who is not loyal to you heart and soul?

Answer 10

Personally, I am not capable of forgiving someone for cheating on me. I have tried in the past and it was always there in the back of my mind even now when I don't love him anymore the humiliation of being cheated on is still there. So I wish you luck in trying to forgive him. I hope he is worth it.