Husband and Cleaning question?

Question

Ok. My husband really likes a clean house and he helps with it too when he is home. Before we met, I was a slob and a bit of a clutter. However since we have been married and living together, I have curbed my bad habits. When he is here, the house stays clean and we usually spend at least one day a week cleaning and straightening. The laundry always pills up because neither one of us likes to do that. We he gets back from a deployment I usually spend a day giving the house a good scrubbing just so he can come into a nice clean house. My husband just got home from a 90-day deployment. I cleaned the house except I over slept and did not give all the laundry done. Also our Vacuum took a nose dive and broke so only half of the house was vacuumed. Besides those two things the house was clean. It looked nice, it smelled nice, but I told him about it before he got home. I said that I meant to have it all done but I just dropped the ball, especially on the laundry because I over slept.

. He said that it was fine, that the house looked great, and all he wanted to do see me. He put down his bags and for two days we got to spend some time together. This morning he got up and started to go into this cleaning frenzy cleaning mode. It and been two days and because we had just been spending time together the house had gotten a little disorganized, with all the laundry still to do and now the four bags full of stuff that he brought back with him, which until that point had done nothing but sit in the living room. I was cooking breakfast and as we were eating he suddenly goes off about the laundry. Then he goes on to tell me that the house wasn’t really clean, and he asked me, in a condescending tone, if he should just hire a maid.

I am trying to figure out how to address this with him. I am angry because he said then house looked fine and then two days later he said it wasn’t. It makes me feel very used. It didn’t bother him when he came home because he had not seen me in so long but then after we spent time together, then it bothered him. I have told him before that it really makes me feel this way but I can’t seem to get across to him. Any suggestions? Plus I don’t see why it would not bother him when he got home and then really bother him two days later? Could someone please explain it to me because, although we communicate a lot, this is one topic that we can’t seem to make the other person see it from the other side

Thanks to all for the answers so far. There were a few details some people were asking about. First, no children. I am a paramedic and work part time but when he is gone I work a full time schedule at 12 to 24 hours on duty at a time. When he is back I work less so we can spend more time together. This has been an on going problem. When has come back in the past many times the house would be very clean with no problems. He should expect the house to be clean when he gets back. It is the aspect that he said it was fine when it really wasn't fine. I don't know how to communicate to him that this is not ok. I have talked to him about it before. Is it just persistence or is there a way I can talk to him that will get through?

Answer 1

Well, I could see that after two days and it not really getting vacuumed and such, it probably did look bad to someone who is a clean freak! I'm not saying you didn't do a good job, but two days had gone by and you said it was looking like it probably needed to be done again. All you can do is say you're sorry for dropping the ball, and that you meant well. Explain to him that when he talks to you that way it hurts your feelings because after all, you did try to have it looking nice for when he got home.

Take it with a grain of salt. Just explain that if he doesn't like the job you did he is more than welcome to do it how he likes it. That way he can have it the way he wants and can't argue with you about it. Just pitch in and remember that each spouse has their strengths. Maybe tell him to start cleaning and you'll work on the laundry, so that way it all gets done.

Good luck to you and please tell him how proud we are of him for protecting our country! May God bless him and your home!

Answer 2

You have no idea how i relate.. He was just being nice becase he was just happy to be home, now that he is back in the swing of things he is returning to his prior senses and wants the house clean. I don't know why some men think that they have no responsibilty to their home. but my husband is the same way. it took me a long time to break him of that way of thinking, i don't even know where he got it from because his mother is a horder. she has to keep everything, i've been begger her to have a garage sale for years but she acts as though she is emotionally attacht to every piece of junk in her house and she cleans houses for a living,, go figure.. but the bottom line is that is has to be done one way or the other, if my husband offered to hire a maid I'd say sure I could use the rest, service men have one thing we don't. discipline..and when they don't get a job done the way it was suppose to be done then they are trained to get it done by any means nessary. so because the vacumn broke ment you get the broom and sweep until your arms fall off and the laundry well you get my point, find a way to get it done. 90 days is a long time to be without the one you love, don't spend this time he has home arguing about little things, just get the laundry done and enjoy each other. it looks like a lot more than it acutally is. if you want to short cut it all, gather all the clothes up and take it to a laundry mat and wash and dry it all at the same time. get him to help you fold it when you get it home but you can knock it all out in about an hour. and buy you a new vac cause your gonna need one. and if you just do a little everyday then you won't have to spend an entire day cleaning house. good luck and tell your hubby thank you for serving our country. i appriciate it...

Answer 3

it sounds like when he got home, he didn't give the house an honest look because he was concerned with being with you after the 90 day tdy. And perhaps he was ignoring the way the house looked, if HE didn't think it looked good enough, so that he could spend those solid two days with you. But now that the romance level is back to something normal he is seeing all of the imperfections in the house.

If the house was clean and you know it was clean and you don't clean like him, then you could possibly take more effert in cleaning the way he likes it cleaned. Cause his OCD on the house is going to rear it's ugly head the rest of your marriage.

And be honest with him, I don't like it when you come down on me for cleaning. I tried my best, If it isn't cleaned the way you want it to be clean, please show me how you like it, or there is the other option of cleaning it himself.

But if you do not work and you are a stay at home military wife, there should be no reason for your house to be a mess. Especially if yall don't have children yet.

My husband works on the windmills out of state mostly. I am a stay at home wife with no children. When he comes in the door the house is spotless every single time he comes home. i start days before he gets there. Don't let one day of over sleeping be the reason yall fight when he comes home, Start cleaning a week before he gets there, do ALL the laundry and scrub the nooks and crannies, but do tell him not to tell you it's fine if it isn't, and to show you how to do it the way he likes it done, to avoid future conflicts on stupid things like cleaning.

good luck.

Answer 4

I dunno other than you two have been apart for quite some time if he was deployed... You sound like quite the people pleaser as one recognizes another.... And two days together was great, but now it is time to get back on top of things... As staying on top of things is what makes us feel the most secure we can... Even a clean home makes me feel better...
Life is full of things to keep us so busy... And trying to do it all the time is hard... And too he was some where , where he saw many bad things right in front of his eyes if he was in Iraq..... Anyone who sees those things day after day have many hard struggles because of the hurt is causes in the heart...
Be there for him , talk to him when you are both relaxed about it... See if that helps...

If he was just being a jerk, I would be upset too... Not clear on if you have children too or not... Or if you work a full time job..... If so life is even more busy for you... Hang in there...

Answer 5

I think we are going to have to hire a maid as well. I'm fed up with cleaning, and my husband doesn't CARE if the house looks nice or not. I am about to start working a full time job and I just do not have time to clean every day after the 3 pigs I live with ( husband and two kids). I wish my husband were a little more compulsive about cleaning.

Answer 6

He was so glad to see you that his concern was spending time with YOU. That's not to say it didn't bother him, he just made YOU the top priority, not house cleaning.
Don't worry about the house so much. Stay on top of the cleaning and laundry and if you slip up once in a while, big deal. You're human.
Your husband sounds like a good guy. A clean freak maybe, but a good guy.

Answer 7

O.K. I could be totally off the mark, but my guess is it is a deeper issue. I am totally anal abut my house being clean. When I feel like other things in my life are getting out of control I become even more obsessed with my house being organized. Maybe he is worrying about missing you when he has to leave again. You said when he first got home it didn't bother him. He was happy to see you and I am assuming that he felt very close to you. When he leaves it hurts him. so he nit picks about the house (control) this also puts a distance between you( trying to Lessen the pain). The sad part he is doing this unconsciously. Just try to be patient and reassure him that you love him and will be there when he returns.

Answer 8

next time he comes off of deployment do the best you can with the house and if it isnot exactly the way he wants it then let him go into a cleanning frenzy or have him hire a maid to do it for you... tell him if your best is not good enough for him then no more spending time together until the house is the way he likes it

Answer 9

I dont think this is REALLY about the house and its level of cleanliness. I think it is a control issue. Everyone has different comfort levels on how they keep house. Yours was one way, his was another. It appears that you have bended completely to try to keep up with his standard of housekeeping. If its not the way he thinks it should be, he gripes. And you think the problem is with YOU?! Girl please. That he didnt complain upon first getting home means that he didnt want to rock the boat at that time ( maybe even for his own purposes of a sexual nature). Now that he is all settled, he feels at ease with complaining about it. Bottom line is that neither of you has the "right" way of keeping house. It is a subjective issue. He needs to respect you a little and compromise on this, and not expect you to bend to his 100% cleanliness madate. In short, tell him where to shove the laundry.

Answer 10

lmao these answers are kinda scary arent they listen dont sweat it he made you the top priority and then two days later he remembered the laundry big deal he really cares about you but to him it is a little hard to adjust from how he lived during his deployment so remind him that you arent him and things have to go a certain way with out him home and tell him what happened should solve problem for ya