Domestic Violence..Why don't they just LEAVE their abusive partner?

Question

Hit me once - Shame on you.
Hit me twice - Shame on me.

Why in the heck would any *ADULT* Man or Woman whose partner beats on them so much as ONCE - stay in that relationship?

I'm seeing so many questions posted about beaten wives, men who suffer DV from women and I cannot understand why any normal person doesn't just up and leave.

"He loves me" or "She loves me" just doesn't cut it - how do they love you? By commiting assualt? That seems like a strange kind of love to me.

Heck you were independent before you met your abusive partner weren't you? So what's keeping you?

Domestic Violence..Why don't they just LEAVE their abusive partner?

Zucchini - yes. Do you know how many more are murdered when they stay? Including children. And how many lives do you think might be saved if people left as soon as DV started, instead of waiting for it to become a regular thing?

Answer 1

Have you ever heard of the analogy, "How to boil a live frog"? It goes something like this. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out. However, if you place a frog in a pot of cool water and very gradually raise the heat, it will allow itself to get boiled. Now, I don't know if a frog would actually allow itself to be boiled, but if a man beat a woman on his first date with her, she wouldn't stay. It is a slow insidious process whereby small demands and compromises are made "for the sake of cooperation" but eventually lead to a woman who has given away all her power, lost touch with all of her financial and emotional resources and has become completely dependent on the abuser.

Answer 2

Almost all of it comes from self-esteem issues. While there are the small handful of women that are scared that no matter where they go, that man will track and kill them (and very few of those are legit fears, but some are)...most of the problem is that the woman no longer trusts herself.

"I upset him, I deserved it" is such a common phrase amongst abused women that I can barely hold my tongue and continue to listen. No one (male or female) deserves to be hit for something as trivial as these reasonings always are.

This is why humans are the dominant race - we can use our minds and words, not our brawn, to reach solutions. Acting in a primitive nature to a mental challenge is not a solution.

Anyway, many women allow themselves to be drained of self-esteem...to put so much love and trust and hope into a specific individual that their words become automatic truth, and many quit questioning...and even if they DO know that the abuse is wrong, many have not kept the self-esteem up that it takes to get out of the situation. It's a strange, strange element of the psyche...one that I have experienced and yet cannot completely define.

Something you said sparked my interest - "You were independent before you met your abusive partner...so what's keeping you?"

Many people are not independent, even if they have been living alone for a decade. In status, perhaps, but many people have codependent personalities, in which creating a bond with another individual(s) is what helps to define their reasoning for life. You can be on your own and still have a personality that makes you dependant on the thoughts and opinions of others.

And others would rather stick in an abusive relationship than have to admit to their parents, peers, or self that they made the wrong choice. Scary, huh?

Leaving isn't always easy, ESPECIALLY if there are children involved (hell, people stick in unhappy, hateful marriages for the sake of the children, which is another rant and stupid issue entirely)...but it needs to be done. Easier said, but my hopes are that people will wake up and quit allowing themselves to be doormats.

Answer 3

Sometimes women lack the resources to leave: this can be financial, or otherwise. Poor women with kids often find themselves stuck, with nowhere to turn. Their fears of homelessness and hunger are real. Often the men have cut these women off from their friends and family precisely for this reason; in so doing, the victims become more dependent on them. You put up with it - believing that they will eventually 'see the light'. You're none of those things he has been calling you, engaged in none of the behaviors he has been accusing you of. His accusations can't be substanciated. Eventually - he just HAS TO see the light, right?

And one day turns into the next and you become even more a part of eachother's lives, even more tightly wound together. It took me several false starts to finally get out of my own abusive relationhip. And hey, guess what? Nobody cared about me. I have gone hungry in my life - went down to a size 7 from a size 13 - involuntarily - there just was no money for food. I was at risk of becoming homeless. Sometimes one's greatest fears are realised. So which is worse: hunger and the threat of homelessness or a steady stream of psychological abuse? Is it right to subject children to any of this? What do those women do?
And I'm educated - theoretically less vulnerable than those who aren't. I applied for jobs and was repeatedly told I was 'overqualified'. So I was unemployed for a very long time. Then I finally became disabled; the icing on the cake.

It's not nearly as cut-and-dried as you make it sound.

Answer 4

I taught DV classes - to the victims. Most courses are geared to the perpetrators. I explained the dynamics behind DV and how perps successfully beginning controlling another human being. Most women learned fear - 'gonna track you down and kill you' or 'if I can't have you, nobody can' kinda crapola which, being reasonably effective, was a major reason for staying stuck - fear for their lives and fear for their children's lives.

Another reason they stay stuck is not having anywhere to go, friends or relatives to provide support (isolating them from friends and family is one of the first things a perp does) or the resources (perps control the finances too) to care for themselves and children once they leave their home.

I know of a case in which a woman, 9 months pregnant, was kicked down a flight of stairs. She lived, the baby didn't. He killed his own child (and hers) while it was still in the womb.

THINK about it. Why WOULD a woman stay in an abusive relationship? Do you really think women are just - what, stupid? Guess then that you also believe, they deserve it -

Answer 5

I agree but it is a great oversimplification. Abuse is not just about getting hit or any single act. It is a progressive, all emcompassing, spirit weakening attack. Usually in abusive relationships, the woman has no friends and disconnects from her family, she has no self confidence, no money or means to make any. Usually the woman is beaten down mentally to a point where she feels that she does not have the option to leave. She may also be scared that he will find her.

That is why battered women's shelters are necessary and we need more options for women in this situation so thay they can 'just leave'.

Answer 6

Well for those who do not leave right away I believe it is a combination of things 1) Denial that they were abused 2) Lack of self esteem and/or respect 3)Fear of where they will go, what they will do, etc.

For those who have been in abusive relationships for a while I believe the abuse has resulted in major psychological issues that unable them to leave. I think its somewhat like the Army, where you are broken down...but unlike the Army, you are never built back up. In fact you are continually broken down.

For those of us not in these situations its easy to say "Just get out", but it is one of those things that is much easier said, than done.

Answer 7

You assume rational thought actualy plays a role. My, you must understand humans even less than I do!

They say the love is blind; in truth, love is blind, deaf, and self-delusional. And even if someone breaks out of that emotional trap, there is another.

That is a far more dangerous and devious trap. It's called society, and it makes staying the apparently logical choice.

Face it: Despite all the rose-colored goggles society tries to make you put on through showing off a few charities, reality differs. Between the Christian Right and the doctrines of Free Market Economics, the abused-leaving is as much **** on by society as the abusive partner; this is even more true if there's children involved.

No proper conservative "Christian" right businessman employs a single mother who barely even has a home, do they now?

Answer 8

When a woman is being abused there are numerous reasons why she doesn't leave...
1) Denial .... she finds it difficult to believe that someone who claims to love her would treat her this way.
2) Low self esteem... when you're being abused your self esteem goes down to zero and you physical and mental health is threatened.
3) No place to go.... most of the times these women fear that they have no way to go, and most of times that's the case.
4) Fear... they are in fear that their partner will bring bodily harm to them.

In light of the above mentioned, they end up starting to believe that they deserve what's happening to them. So weather we want to all admit it or not the situation does have a psychological effect on them. It's not as easy to leave as it seems. Not all women are emotionally strong.

Answer 9

It's not that simple. Some have tried or threatened to leave, only to be threatened back with murder. Others have grown up with abusive parents and don't know anything else.

Answer 10

They probably think they have nowhere to go, or that the abusive spouse will find them.

I firmly believe that divorce should only be a last resort--but if your spouse is going to do nothing but beat you, it's time to go.