We have been married for eight years. Since the start, it has been rocky, but we have always seemed to make it through. One year ago my parents became ill, and we moved into their house to help make ends meet, and they obligingly moved into the in-law three bedroom out back to keep their ranch style home that has been in the family for 170 years. My wife is miserable. She suffers from multiple prescribed diagnosis, mental and physical, and has a recently found tumor in her brain. For the past year things went downhill, and now we are at wits end. She wants to move (for the tenth time) to make things better, and I am arguing that this has always been the case: geographical changes to escape life. I can't bear to live in the area that she wants to go to, but I feel like an idiot for allowing our move to the parent's house to occur in the first place. Should we just bail out and leave, or stay and face whatever life brings?
2007-10-29 17:12:45 · 7 answers · asked by Smokingunrunner 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
That's a tough one...
Okay, if you moved in with your parents to help with the bills or face losing a house that has been in the family for multiple generations, then your reasons were absolutely respectable, and I wouldn't back down. However, if your wife hates it maybe you could talk to your siblings and see if you could all split the bills (including a caretaker for your parents and the grounds) until another alternative was found. But while you should always respect your wife, she should respect your wishes as well. I wouldn't back down on staying with your parents if that is your only option...They are only around for so long, it isn't permanent.
But, to argue with myself, my mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 16, so I know that when people get sick and know they won't be around much longer they want to do their thing. I am a Marine's wife of six years, so I know the whole location change to escape life theory very well. Funny thing is life has a crazy way of following you from state to state. Just because you wake up in a different bed does not mean you wake up as anyone else. She would still have a brain tumor if you lived in Russia and your parents would still be alone...And you would still be unhappy.
The unfortunate thing is none of us can really tell you what is right. You're torn between loyalty to family, and the bond of your marriage. You can't make everyone happy, so you need to weigh out the pros and cons of each action. Literally sit down and write a list with pros and cons of each action (ie staying vs going). Then study that list and rate the importance of every item you've listed. It's the easiest way to really get some insight on yourself.
And always remember...You can't please anyone all of the time. But if you try then you will be miserable. And while all of these people you care about are currently ill, you don't have infinite trips around the sun either, and you don't want the ones you have left make you feel like you're already dead (or wish you were).
I know this was long and boring, but I hope it helped (at least a little).
2007-10-29 17:29:04 · answer #1 · answered by Karin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you both! There is stress flying in all directions with your guys!! Your wife may be upset with you sometimes, but she needs you now more than ever! (this coming from a newly diagnosed wife that has not been very nice to her husband lately and regrets it....) I'll tell you though, a change in atmosphere, geographical or not, can do wonders! Maybe you can take her on a vacation. Or change up the house. Let her know that your parents are ill and you don't want them to lose the house. If she still insists on moving, find a place that you can both agree on! You need to give eachother some slack and realize that no matter what, being togehter is most important! I hope your wife recovers and all this works out! Good Luck!!!!
2007-10-29 17:34:46 · answer #2 · answered by Darksuns 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in a very tricky situation .
Howerver , I would recommend you to sit tight in your parents home , Nothing is likely to change if you move house .
You say your wife has several health problems and a tumour on the brain . Nothing is going to be cured by moving house . A tumour on the brain can have a serious effect on a person's behaviour , their wishes and dislikes . I know it can be difficult living with inlaws ; but by the sound of it , they are living separately from you and your wife .
Unless your wife can be operated and cured , you need to be aware that her behaviour and demands may deteriorate as time progresses . I'm sure you are right ; that your wife is seeking geographical changes to escape life . Stay where you are ; you will be glad of the moral support from your parents .
2007-10-29 19:01:37 · answer #3 · answered by kitiyapron 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take a step back and take a deep breath- let it out slowly. Without considering anyone else's needs or wants ask yourself where you want to be. And where you feel you should be. Is there someplace in the middle of "want" and "should" you would be comfortable?
I am sorry about your wife's multiple conditions, and honestly think she will not be happy for very long anywhere you choose to live. She needs to be near her doctors, as do your parents. And you are the stable factor here so you should stay out of the area that will make you miserable.
2007-10-29 18:32:45 · answer #4 · answered by dizzkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since your wife has medical problems, and especially the recently diagnosed brain tumor, she is not processing things well. As her husband you need to make the decision to do what would be in the best interests of you and your wife. Your obligation comes first to your wife, and making her happy is to be your main priority. I can understand your reluctance to move again, but if you really think this would help your wife, especially since she has medical problems, then I think you should look for another place. Look at different areas and try reaching common ground on one. God bless you!!!
2007-10-29 17:38:32 · answer #5 · answered by Virginia B (John 16:33) 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
so sorry to hear about your wife's health problems. it seems that you dont feel as though her health is a burden to you. what a wonderful husband you must be. to make it easy on yourself move to where it will be easiest for you and her to deal with her health problems.
2007-10-29 17:29:50 · answer #6 · answered by Pristina C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to fix your marriage.. the bible says that you should leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. You need to cling to your wife and fix what you need to with her asap.
2007-10-29 17:33:00 · answer #7 · answered by xaviersmommy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋