If you are a senior citizen, how would you feel IF one of your daughters inlaw asked you this question?

Question

Okay, my Mother inlaw's birthday was celebrated 2 weeks ago. And it was her 70th.
We all had a great time, as it was a joy to be w/her and she just loved the party and all.
Well the following wk. while she spent the weekend watching grandchildren, during this time my SIL asked her to write down her [MIL] doctors,their phone #'s, and what she would like done if she becomes incapacitated, and where all her important papers are. And when my SIL emailed us, said she'd "give us copies".
Hmmm, hey-well I personally understand the logic and concern on this topic, however in my opinion [just my opinion now], in my eyes it seemed rather inappropriate to aske sort of questions like this SO soon after her birthday {?!}

Well, what is YOUR opinion, I'm truely very curious.

But also at the end of her email she said "we should make out a living will/do it, and give it to all of our parents".
I felt like she overstepped her boundries when it came to that part specifically, as I'm not even

i'm not even close to her.
we get along alright mostly. not close friends but not mean to one another. she's a hard one to get close to because she is angry all the time

but only this time, I RESENT HER FOR INC. ME IN HER LIST AS TO GIVING A LIVING WILL TO MY PARENTS TOO. THAT is NONE of HER business!!!
sheesh

Pls, what do you think of all this?
thank you in advance

PS> WE ARE BOTH THE DIL'S

Answer 1

Well It is only my opinion but it seems to me that her children should be the ones bringing all this stuff up and at the appropriate time. Maybe should be done in a family type conference. I think the lady is overstepping her bounds in a very big way.

Answer 2

I think maybe it could have been handled a little bit more gently and then it wouldnt hurt anyones feelings. But I also believe the intentions were good and that is a very good idea to get ones affairs in order. I have been kicking around these ideas since I turned 50 and dont think anyone should be 70 without some kind of game plan in place.

Answer 3

I'm truly trying to see what is out of line about someone making a suggestion. "should make out a living will" is a suggestion, and to be honest it is a suggestion that has been printed in newspapers, magazines, and broadcasted on TV and radio programs. If you feel that it is none of your SIL's business, then don't discuss your arrangements with her. Sorry, but to me this is practical advice that is easily shared.

It might have been more sensitive for your SIL to wait for a time when your MIL was not babysitting to ask for the info; I don't know what your MIL's schedule is like. The birthday celebration was over, it's not like your SIL brought this up at her birthday party. Like others here have mentioned, 70 seems a bit late to be starting to do these things.

My husband, his siblings, their parents, my sister, parents and I all share information about medications and health history with each other. We know where important papers are kept for our parents, and each other. My SIL is the executrix of her parents' wills and I'm the executrix of my parents' wills. To be honest, my dad has been telling me 'his business' since I was in my early 20s....so I could assist my mom if he died suddenly.

A few months ago my husband's brother-in-law (my husband's sister's husband), urged my MIL and FIL to see an attorney about setting up a living trust. BIL had just been through a mess with his mom's estate. BIL made all the arrangements to meet with the attorney and helped my MIL and FIL collect their paper work. I was the pushy one here; I checked out the attorney and sent an email to eveyone involved about the pros and cons of living trusts. I guess you could say that I intruded a bit. After two meetings, attended by MIL, FIL, my husband, both his sisters, and BIL.....they decided not to create the trusts. However, the wills and advance directives, and medical power of attorney's were updated. My husband and I felt that my BIL was concerned and knowledgable, we did not feel like he intruded in anyway. The others may have felt I was intruding with my e-mails, but my MIL and FIL were pleased that I did some extra research for them....they expect that of me.

None of us can predict the future, and so sharing this type of information before a crisis seems reasonable to me. This topic could have been brought up too close to Thanksgiving, too close to Christmas, too close to the New Year, or too late.

Answer 4

I think every adult should have a living will. I'm sure she wasn't trying to be rude but we often let time pass and then an accident or illness takes us unawares and families end up in conflict over what should be done. I'm the oldest one in my extended family and I asked my daughter how she felt about my wishes and she was glad I took that responsibility for myself. Aging, illness, incapacitation is a normal process of life. It's good to have a plan.

Answer 5

Very few Italians leave living wills,especially the older Sicilians.The attitude is,"when I die,all this is yours" but they tend not to specify,what to whom,too much paranoia I imagine.When my MIL died,she did not leave anything written,so it was a free for all.I felt,as a DIL,that it was not my place to squabble over money left to my husband and his half brother.Not my mother,not my money.I took my SIL by the arm and dragged her into the kitchen.Everything was solved without bloodshed!

Answer 6

Though maybe put out there at an inappropriate time, her suggestions need to be heeded by a whole lot of people. I agree that the information should be available only to IMMEDIATE family who would be in the position to make such decisions on level of care at times of severe incapcitation etc.

We have living wills in my family and we have limited power of attorney over my mom's health and finances...but it exists [with copies] only amongst myself and my three grown children.

Regardless of age, everyone should have a will and a living will.

Answer 7

It sounds like the 70th birthday has caused your sister in law to consider what is ahead for your mother-in-law and decide to get prepared for it. It sounds like she's done some research and learned about things like living wills, and wants to share what she's learned. She's taking charge, perhaps because nobody else is doing these things that need to be done.

Families need to talk openly about these issues in advance, there would be a lot fewer legal problems after people pass away if they did. Many people aren't comfortable talking about these things and don't appreciate it when other people bring it up.

I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up the week after the birthday. ON the birthday, now that would be inappropriate.

Answer 8

better to have everything " out in the open " and in a legal format so everyone is aware of what ones personal wishes are. have a living will and it states that unless there is a good chance of full recovery so a normal life can be had then do not place me on any life support. without life there can be no death and without death there can be no life.

personally have no desire to lay in a bed hooked up to a machine keeping me alive if there is no hope and chance of recovery. when we reach our age all should realize leaving this plane of existence for another is going to happen to all of us eventually.

Answer 9

Calm down.

The 70 year old should have already taken care of all that long ago. It is her responsibility to her children to make her wishes known and to designate who will handle things if she becomes incapable of taking care of herself or making medical decisions.

It is important that her children know the type of burial/cremation she wants, what type of medical treatments she wants if she becomes critically ill and cannot make her wishes known at the time. The family needs to know the location of her will (she should have done that long ago also - and reviewed it every 3 or 4 years), one of the family needs to be a signatory on her bank accounts also, and know of any insurance she might have - where the papers are.

She should also have enough money set aside to pay for whatever funeral arrangements she wants - or insurance that will cover it.

It is not insensitive at all for someone to take the bull by the horns and talk about this with the oldster. It is, however, selfish and destructive to avoid doing anything for yourself, leaving your family ignorant of what you want.

Sometimes, a responsible child must insist that the parent advise what she wants done. If the woman won't do it herself, some one needs to nudge her along.

Having your "house in order", a living will, a revokable power of attorney and other arrangements is a must. Each child should get a copy of everything and her doctors should get copies of the living will.

No one likes to face the fact that they are going to die. But, the fact is, every one does. It's not fair to leave terrible decisions for your family to make.

My mother had everything in order by the time she was 60 - and she lived until 83. I am so glad she made known her wishes and had everything in place from a legal point of view. She died from dementia and for the last year of her life, she was not able to communicate anything to anyone. As painful as it was, at least we kids didn't have to guess at treatment and, when she died, we knew exactly what she wanted - and she had the money put away for it.

Taking her lead, my personal stuff has been in order for 10 years - and I'm 67. I don't want my children to have to make difficult decisions if the time comes when I can't make them. We have fully discussed everything; they have c opies of living will, my eldest has power of attorney and is on my bank accounts. We had the talk several years ago......

Answer 10

Coincidence, I'm waiting for my lawyer right now to finish drawing up my trust fund to take THAT burden off my kids. Wish my sister in law or anyone had done the same for my folks ANYTIME before they passed -- I had the load to carry when they died during a period that the mind really wasn't with it. Don't like to cast dispersions, but your s/l is doing what really needs to be done.

Answer 11

I do not think that you SIL did anything wrong it is always ok to have your affairs in order and your MIl is no doubt aware of that so keep your thoughts to yourself and let everyone get on with letting your MIL enjoy whatever time she has left~~