may someone critique my introduction please?

Question

The world I come from is full of misery, but I never put my head down. One will never hear me say, “I can’t do this”, “I quit”, or “I give up”. Many times, I thought doors would close on me, but I always find my way through the dark. Even though my parents never showed me support, I do not let personal problems intervene with my education. Every night I thank God that I am alive and healthy. I am frustrated of the violence and the misconduct around my community. My school discriminates one by race; I surpass people like that because I believe in equity. Becoming a social worker is my dream, aspiration, and desire. Through my experience, I want to help others that their parents had abandoned them as they did to me.

Answer 1

I found some of the wording to be awkward. It doesn't flow very well, and the beginning doesn't appeal to me much. It kind of feels like you jumped into your statements without backing them up. I'm not sure what I'm reading about. Is this going to be about your past? Your home life and parents? Your desired career? I'd suggest putting in a more appropriate topic sentence that tells what your entire piece will be about, for example if this piece of writing was about your career, you might say, "A good social worker has to have enough experience to empathize with their clients." From there you can go into your experiences while still relating to the subject.
As far as grammar goes, I see a few places where you are writing repetitively. The second sentence you are saying the same thing over and over. "I can't do this," or "I quit,"
or "I give up." -These are all the same thing, just use one of them.
Also when you say, "Becoming a social worker is my dream, aspiration, and desire." Dreams, aspiration and desires are also all the same thing. Again. take out unnecessary words.
For the rest, just be sure to use spellcheck and have someone read it for grammar errors.
I love the obvious passion you have for this subject- that is one thing you shouldn't leave out of this. You are very good at making it personal and emotionally engaging.
Good luck!

Answer 2

It's a good start, but I have a couple of pointers and some grammatical corrections. If this is the introduction to a longer essay for school, it's a good idea to follow the form of "state your point, elaborate (ie, give examples) then state it again." This is true of each paragraph and the essay as a whole. You've done that really well here, if the point of your essay is 1. you don't give up despite your surroundings, and 2. you want to help others to do the same. I would interpret your thesis statement as "I never give up." Your examples are 1. you find opportunities (find your way through doors) 2. you didn't have support at home, 3. (and this one may have to be moved to another part of the essay) you are thankful for your life and health, and 4. you are frustrated with those around you (the example is discrimination at your school). #3 might serve you better as an introduction to the next paragraph, in which you talk about all that is wrong in the society you observe around you. The rest all fit with your thesis very well. Grammatical corrections: 1. frustrated WITH (not of) 2. "my school discriminates one by race" is not clear...do the teachers and the school discriminate, or is it the students at the school? you might try something like "the people at my school discriminate according to race" or "show discrimination toward certain races" 3. In this context, "equality" would be a better choice than "equity" although equity expresses the same idea. 4. I would suggest that the last two sentences be turned around if your point is that you want to be a social worker..."I want to USE MY EXPERIENCE TO help others WHOSE parents abandoned them, AS DID MINE (or as mine did), and I believe my dream of becoming a social worker will allow me to do this. Stay in the present tense as much as possible ("I do, I think, I see, I believe"), and use active vs. passive verbs ("I did this" vs. "this happened"...it's a much cleaner writing style and is clearer to the reader). And, as one person said earlier, read it out loud slowly to yourself and another person...
you'll hear anything that doesn't sound right that way. EXCELLENT DRAFT! AND PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED--I'M ALSO MY OWN WORST CRITIC WHEN I WRITE FORMALLY! :)

Answer 3

Its really good but it depends on what this intro is for cause its sure got a negative view towards all the other things. Then in those negative things theres like a light which is i guess you since your spirit is never down. So if i were to rate this i would give you a 5/5 its very creative so *clap*

Answer 4

Looks great. It really grabbed my attention. Read it out loud to yourself. The only stumbling point I found was “; I surpass people like that”. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. You may want to rephrase.

Answer 5

So much from one so young...
I would not presume to change anything you've said, but beginning with "I am frustrated..." see if you can eliminate some words and perhaps change them around to be a bit clearer. Nice work!

Answer 6

I think you did a good job it kept me interesed and reading

Answer 7

I like it, better than mine!