This essay is driving me crazy! Does this sentence makes sense???

Question

This is the very first sentences of the intro....

Revenge is like a flame that feeds on rage. At some point it can get so overwhelming that it overpowers the mind, and to the sense, blindness occurs.


does it make sense? Do you understand what I am trying to say? Is this a fragment? Does it posses good sentence structure?

I need some serious constructive criticism.

and if this doesn't make sense can someone help me think of a good broad statement about revenge?

and plz tell me where I went wrong?

I think I used too many words. It's too long, doesn't make sense to me, and when I read it out loud it sounds like everything is out of order!

What about....

....it overpowers the mind, and conscience dwells in blindness.

? Just a thought for now....

that's supposed to be AS not and. Sorry.

thanks for alll ur answers. u really helped!
life savers! =D

Answer 1

I would change the second sentence to :
"At some point it can overpower your senses, blinding you to reason."

the first sentence makes sense, but the second is very clumsy as is, needs some rearrangement.

Answer 2

The problem is with the last phrase "and to the sense, blindness occurs." It's clear up until that point. Try putting a period after the word "mind," and then think some more about what you want to say instead of that last phrase. One possibility is a new sentence such as, "In a sense, blindness occurs."

Although blindness is a visual affliction, I think you mean to say that all the senses are hampered. For example, the person cannot see things clearly, cannot hear things logically and cannot act rationally etc. due to the overwhelming emotion. As a writer, you can take some liberty with the word blindness, though, and don't have to limit it to the visual. I think that's why people talk about "blind rage."

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Revenge is like a flame that feeds on rage. At some point it can get so overwhelming that it overpowers the mind, - This part sounds good - but 'to the sense' doesn't. I think you should write 'some point it can get so overwhelming that it overpowers the mind and blinds reality.'

Answer 4

I think the first part of your second sentence i okay. "and to the sense, blindness occurs." Should either be its own sentence or rephrased. OR

Just a suggestion...
Revenge is like a flame that feeds on rage. At some point overpowering the mind and to your senses, blindness occurs.

Or something like that.
good luck

Answer 5

Very good sentences, well said, but one part doesn't make sense to me: and to the sense, blindeness occurs. It's good, but doesn't go along with what your trying to say, and is a little confusing. I would consider taking that part out, but other than that it's good.

Answer 6

I think your intro makes perfect sense an i honestly could not have made a better one. The only suggestion i have is to replace the word "the" in your phrase "and to the sense" with "a".. that is of course if that is what you mean.

Answer 7

You would do better showing us more of the essay. Don't sweat the first two sentences until later. change to " and to the senses, blindness occurs. "

Answer 8

, the sentence works, but you can say it better and shorter with more understanding

Revenge is like a flame that feeds on rage. It is driven by anger rather than reason.

Answer 9

it makes sense to me. i understood it fine.