Do I have to take my husbands last name?

Question

I was talking to my boyfriend about this and I expressed to him that I have no intentions of changing my last name. I have had to spell my first name my entire life, but my super easy last name makes up for it. If I were to take my boyfriend's last name, then I would be spelling both my first and last name for the rest of my LIFE. Besides that, I really just like my name and it just seems to fit me and be so much of a part of me that I could not imagine being called something else. He became kinda upset and feels it is only right for the woman to take the mans last name. He asked me to compromise by hyphenating. That is not an option either. He feels that my independent nature is the real reason behind me refusal to change my name, but it really is more about keeping my identity...the person I have been all my life. Am I wrong? Selfish?

Answer 1

If you don't want to take your husband's name, you shouldn't have to. This is 2007. Also, shame on anyone who would call you "selfish." If you got married and took your husband's name if you didn't want to, you would be losing something. If you got married and didn't take your husband's name, your husband wouldn't lose anything, but you would.

I think that your boyfriend's thinking is a bit antiquated.

Answer 2

You are not wrong, and you are not selfish. The kind of last name you get largely depends on what culture you were born into, and culture is fluid, changing, everyday. If you were born in Slavic eastern Europe, your last name would be the same as your father's, only with an "a" at the end of it. If you married a Mr Kasparov, your new last name would be Kasparova. In most Asian countries, your last name is the one you inherited from your father, and it doesn't change just because you get married. If you have children, they would have your husband's last name. In the Spanish-speaking world, things are more complicated. You have a double last name, each part coming from the patronyms you inherit from your parents, so your last name could be Rojas-Gomez. If you marry a Mr Garcia, you become Senora Rojas-Gomez de Garcia. Personally, I like the Icelandic method of nomenclature. If your first name is Ingrid, and you give birth to a baby girl, the child's last name is Ingridsdottir. If you give birth to a son, and your husband's first name is Eric, the son's last name is Ericson. You have to make the choice that feels best to you, and not be forced into a name by your husband, social expectations, or the Bible-thumping moralists who have latched on to your question. Best wishes to you!

Answer 3

I think it's fine but something that you don't have a reason to be worring about. That looks to me like a way of telling him that you are serious and he is someone with who you may consider in the future for the long run. The name stuff is something that doesn't really worry you as finding a partner for the rest of your life. It also looks to me you are very young, you may want to think on that later when the moment happens and after you have gone through all the stages and situations for when you find your partner, which is not going to be an easy thing to do, and you will have things thousands and millions of times greather than the one you are worring now. The priority of your last name, considering all the possibilities you will have to deal with, is nothing. Wait until you learn how to discriminate between loyal/unloyal, abusive and "normal", once you find the one that is for you, you may not even remember what was the name issue.

Answer 4

It could be seen as selfish, but no, you don't have to take his last name. Many women who have built up careers in their fields have kept their surname, simply so people would still know who they are, instead of doing a whole bunch more work under a new name and causing confusion. Some women legally change their name, but continue to use their maiden name for work. I kept my maiden name on bank accounts I had before I was married, but anything I opened after I got married, has my married name. I hope you both come to an agreement. It's not good to start a marriage with a disagreement right off the bat.

Answer 5

No because I recently married my husband a year ago and I still haven't changed my last name yet. I feel the same way all my kids have my last name and I can't see myself write down another name when I been writing my last name for the last 26 years. So don't feel selfish because I don't. I look at it this way if he want for us both to have the same name then he can change his name to your last name.

Answer 6

You should do whatever you feel.

I changed my name and did have a bit of a difficult time transitioning with the name. However I think the transition of the name is symbolic for the transition you make in your life. Going from single to committed, taking care of only yourself to taking care of yourself as well as him, having his input on things you do, etc.

My husband and I are both very traditional so there was no issue of me nt changing my name, we both just assumed that I would. However if I did not want to I think he would have had a very big problem with it. I think a lot of his reasoning is so the name is "carried on".

I think you should seriously consider hyphenating the two names or taking his name, dropping your current middle name and using your maiden name as your middle name. I think if you don't take his name this will be an issue of resentment for the rest of your marriage.

Answer 7

No, you're not wrong. Your boyfriend is the one who is being selfish and so what if you're a little independent. You're not supposed to lose your identity in marriage and if your name is that important to you, he must respect it. If he can't, I'd reconsider marrying him because this is a warning sign for a great many other things he'll be too stuborn and selfish to compromise on because he's a man and you're 'just a woman'.

EDIT: If it's important to him for you too to have the same last name, he should take your name!

Answer 8

You do not have to take his last name. You are still going to have your identity no matter what you are called. You will still be the person that you have been your whole life. I would compromise and hyphenate.

Answer 9

but it really is more about keeping my identity

your identity is new now...THAT is what marriage does...it is the WHOLE concept of TWO becoming ONE... the same last name, the same union in parenting, etc..

the idea is to show you have matured to the extent that your marriage is BIGGER THAN YOU...


i think it is a shame that women even question this...they love this man..but apparently he isn't a good enough person for her to accept his last name and accept this new change in her life as a change to her identity...YOUR IDENTITY IS NO LONGER MISS...IT IS MRS..so YOUR IDENTITY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT TO REMAIN THE SAME...HAS CHANGED...so do him the honor as well as YOUR kids to have his last name...your mother took your father's last name and her mother did the same..they also accepted that married life IS VERY different than single life and the changing of your name is a form of showing that you accept this change..

you CAN lose a person that you love over this...WHY would such selfishness warrant losing a good person in your life...HE did nothing WRONG for you to negate or reject his last name.

Answer 10

Why would you not want to take his name? that's apart of marriage with two becomes one. you can still be independent without your last name. it's kinda like when people get married and have different bank accounts. if i was a man, i would be a little offended. but that's just my opion. each to there own i guess.