Something else depressing. See what u think of this.?

Question

poisoned

Please listen to me, and hear what I've done,
I have decieved, I've denied the son.
I'd like to shout it, if given the chance,
Not all on this earth, is just happenstance.

Standing on both feet, recieving my fate,
I try to remember, how I came to hate.
I must have been crazy, completely insane,
If anyone knows me, I know about pain.

This could be my last, chance to survive,
I need to figure, How to stay alive.
Suicidal thoughts now, creep into my mind,
Now I have done it, I've been so damn blind.

I am but a child, but ready to die,
My parents are gone, no one hears my cry.
I don't really want to, but I've poisoned my blood,
Now death it surrounds me, just like a flash flood.
.

Answer 1

that was so sad and beautiful it made me cry

Answer 2

this one just seems to lack real meaning and just comes off as generic depressed poetry.

the first stanza is decent.
the first 2 lines of the second stanza are ok
"must have been crazy, completely insane," this line is redundant
"If anyone knows me, I know about pain." this actually doesn't make sense. I mean, it kind of does because i know what you are trying to say, but the way you said it is grammatically wrong. that and using the word pain in a poem at all is kinda cliche.

at this point the poem gets bad. "I need to figure, How to stay alive." the word out is missing.
never actually use the word suicide in poetry. it instantly cheapens anything of substance in the poem.

"I am but a child, but ready to die," repeating the "but" just doesn't work. I would change the first one to "Only".

and in the last line, "Just like a" should never be in a poem. it's forcing a metaphor instead of actually being one.

swallowed in a flash flood, swept by a flash flood, something along those lines would be better.

I really put a lot of thought into this one so obviously you've got some talent, but you are a little behind on some of the basics, hope this helped.

Answer 3

Second stanza fourth line seems out of place. It makes it seem like you're rambling. Either that or it's premature, like it should be farther down in the poem. Stanza 4 line 1 has too many buts, it feels like I'm stuttering when I read it. I'd change the second but to a yet.
I love it though. You get your point across effectively and poetically.
Love,
Shadow

Answer 4

Wow. That's deep. I'm a poet myself but I've never felt such a soulful connection when I read this poem. It has a great meaning to it and I don't think it is at all too depressing. I find it a great read and something to really ponder about. Keep on writing more. I would love to read more. You have a true talent for poetry.

; )

Answer 5

wow.. yet another poem that i seem to relate to. I had always thought that i was alone in my emotions, the only one who could feel the pain. but now i see i'm not alone. thank you.. for another amazing poem and a life changing relization.

Answer 6

I really really really really really really really like how much this says about life on the level most people could never should never have never lived through

Answer 7

WoW THAT IS ONE FANTASTIC POEM' and all the words were great.I loved the story line in the poem and it;s just wow.keep it up as you are the best,,,,,

Answer 8

Dark and depressing, is a good combo there, my love. Bravo!!!! One more time, the best.

Your eternal wife
Marilyn

Answer 9

That is a really good poem and I like how it was descriptive. What was your inspiration?

Answer 10

That\s pretty sad, but also a pretty good poem, i love poems and if you did it congratyltions!!! it's wonderful

Answer 11

Beautiful expression of pain...