My mother in law is completely controlling. She picked out our house for us and since my wife agrees with everything she says, that is the house we bought. I feel like I don't have a say in anything.
Her mom is even listed on our bank account !!! We have had nothing but problems with her and my wife thinks I am the problem. She thinks if I would just go along with what her mom says, we wouldn't have any problems. Her mom is the source of 99% of our arguments.
Most recently after we ran a credit check on my wife, we found out her mom had opened 7 credit cards in her name and now has ruined her credit. My wife didn't even care.
I have tried every way possible to try to work things out, but I am starting to wonder if it is even possible to save our marriage if my wife isn't on my side. We have a 16 month old son together and I want to be here for him, but her mom has been controlling us for almost 9 years now with no sign of change and I can't take it anymore.
2007-10-29 11:29:32 · 25 answers · asked by psycoffman 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Close all your bank accounts.
Sell your house.
Move as far away as you can get.
2007-10-29 11:33:53 · answer #1 · answered by Jason 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Wow - I think you should give your wife an ultimatum. Find out what is most important to you (fight the battles worth fighting) and tell you want them to change or you're out of there. Make sure to tell her that you love her - but these things are unacceptable - and would be to ANY man. Her mother should NOT be on your bank account. She should NOT be using her daughter's social security number. That is against the law! Perhaps she has some influence over your wife - that's okay...but it doesn't mean that you have to do whatever her mother wants. What if you just say "no"? If your wife can not see your point of view, she needs counseling or something...there is a serious issue with that mother-daughter relationship.
2007-10-29 18:59:50 · answer #2 · answered by chandiepoo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you've got a serious problem my friend. First of all you need to have a serious talk with your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel and most of all, why you feel that way. The relationship between you and your wife will definitely be ruined if your M-I-L keeps getting involved in everything, there's little doubt about that. Cut her out of any official document or power she may appear in. If your wife doesn't agree, give her the choice between you and her mother. If necessary threaten her with fighting for your child's custody. I know it all sounds really harsh, but I've been there and I know how it can and most likely will ruin your life and happiness if this situation doesn't change. If the change arrives move far away from your mother in law.
Sorry you are in this situation. I wish you all the strength in the world, you will need it.
2007-10-29 18:40:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel sorry for your situation but, feel really bad for your wife. She has spent her whole life being control ed by her mother. She has been told her whole life she is stupid and is not able to make a decision for herself by her mother. This is not away to live. If things continue you will get to the point if your not there already and pick up and leave. This is what happened in my parents marriage. My grandmother did not stop until she broke up every childs marriage. 3 Children divorced and 1 never married. So she was 3 wins 0 losses.
Get your wife in counsling. It will be a tuff road but, that is the only way she is going to be able to handle her mother and it will not be you against her and her mother.
Tell your wife you want to go to marriage counsling to work on your marriage. The counsler will address the issue with her mother.
Good Luck
2007-10-30 11:45:16 · answer #4 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication is key. You can't change a person; we can only change ourselves. It is important she fully understand your feelings. If there tends to be an argument when you try to talk things out write it down. Let her know that you feel unnecessary and that maybe you and your son need to move out and let her and her mom live together as you are obviously not an important part of this marriage. Maybe even a sit down with mother-in-law (is your father-in-law in the picture - invite him too) At some point you have to take over as head. If you are a bible reading family maybe remind her that the head of every woman is the man, as the head of every man is the Christ - to paraphase.
2007-10-29 18:45:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are you a man or a mouse? Take your balls back from this woman and put your foot down. How could she pick out your house? Did she pay for the down payment? You and your wife sound like a bunch of simple minded door mats who need to get a spine transplant.
Do you realize credit card companies no longer write off unsecured debt but they take legal action. Give this woman an ultimatium and tell her she is no longer welcome in your house unless she is invited. Call the credit card companies to inform them their is fraud on your wife's acccount and inform them her mother is the culprit. They will send her something called an Affadavit Of Responsiblity and have her agree to the charges. If she agrees they will take the card out of her name and into her mother's. The account will be closed but she will agree to pay it back so no legal action have to be taken.
Next give your wife an ultimatium. You or her mother. If she choses her mother you have saved yourself years of heartache. And above else all, stand your ground. Sometimes love is not all there is. Good luck.
2007-10-29 18:44:36 · answer #6 · answered by phillygirlz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, get to counseling, preferably with your wife. Go alone if she won't participate. You need to find out why you've allowed your MIL to dominate you marriage. You were probably trying to be a nice guy, but it's gone WAY too far.
Get a separate checking account started and close the accounts that have your MIL on them. You may need to see a lawyer to find out how to get clear of the bad debt.
I'm afraid unless your wife can make major changes and get away from her mother your marriage will fail. You can still be involved in your son's life. Take charge and get going!!!!
2007-10-29 18:44:19 · answer #7 · answered by Countess 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation so I really get what you are saying. You aren't getting much help here, tho. My husband is really tolerant of my inlaws involvement in our lives. You really wonder what it would be like to be two married adults who make independent decisions for themselves. After 15 years of marriage I am still clinging to the hope that my husband will turn to me and say, "Honey, I don't care what Mom and Dad think. Let's just do what WE want." My mil has her name on our bank account also, which my 37 yr. old husband sees as completely acceptable. She makes deposits and writes checks. Why does he not see that as ludicrous? That should be a no brainer. As it is now, we have a decent marriage, but it takes alot of maintenance and compromise. He spends alot of time with them, and I avoid them like the plague. He loves their attention and approval. A real mama's boy. I was hopeing that you would get better answers here because I am desperate as well. I am considering counseling to help me deal with this and my husband agrees. He says I need help dealing w/ them. As if it is MY fault that the situation is so frustrating. Go figure. Sheesh. Also, we do not have kids. I am not able to face the situation of having to raise our kids by my inlaws standards. My husband would never be able to stand up to them and enforce any boundaries, so I see raising kids as a nightmare, considering that my husband does not want to move far away from them. Anyway, I am no help to you whatsoever. Just wanted you to know that I hear you loud and clear.
2007-10-29 20:34:30 · answer #8 · answered by I39 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mom is like this to but give my husband as say in the family sometimes I don't but you need to talk your wif eput your foot down tell her hey I want to be included on the decision amkign it is not far and if it does not work then I am really sorry for you you either accept it and get acostumed to it or you leave your wife and tell her until she gets her act together and stop being mamas girl you are going to come it is that simple that is what happened to me and know I involve my husbadn in everything.
2007-10-29 18:37:39 · answer #9 · answered by Lost 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Buddy, it's WAY past time to set your foot down! Get the mother-in-law OFF the bank account! Tell your wife that you've had enough and that things are changing or you're leaving! You can be there for your son, but you're not going to be if you're in jail for being sued and everything because of your mil! Get her out of your life right now!
2007-10-29 18:35:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I am sorry you are going through this. My first suggestion would be to consider going to counseling with your wife. If she agrees, then you can get an objective opinion. Based on what you have stated, she sounds enmeshed with her mother. I would not want my mom on my bank accounts nor would I marry someone with that level of enmeshment.
Good luck. You probably already know what you should do, but just need someone to tell you that her relationship with her mom is weird.
2007-10-29 18:35:33 · answer #11 · answered by brwneyes 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋