my husband and i seperated and now we are getting back together. during our seperation he slept with another woman, in our home, in my bed.... and i have so many questions. all i can do is think about this and weird thoughts, like what she looks like, did he like the sex, how did it lead to sex, was there foreplay, intimate kisses, what did they do afterward lay there and cuddle, stay the night, or did she get up and leave. i'm a little afraid to ask but i want to and it's bothering me. i'm afraid that i will always be thinking these things. i'm not MAD about it just a little hurt i guess. should i ask the ?'s that i have or just let it be. we promised eachother (even tho i didnt sleep with anyone) that it's a clean slate and to let it go... for some reason, i just cant...
it's even to a point where i want to see her.. just to see what she looks like. i looked for her on myspace for cryin out loud! (didnt find anyone with the same disc. he gave me of her tho)
am i being rediculus?
2007-10-29 07:46:51 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. Sure, it would be nice if you could just forget about it and never think of it again, but rare is the person who could actually do that! No, I think it's completely human nature to want answers to your questions. Something happened and you want to know what. You need more information to put it into context and get some closure.
I think if you approach your husband from a position of vulnerability, as you are here, and not from a position of anger, he may well be willing to answer your questions. Be certain to assure him up front that you're asking these questions so that you can get past it in your own mind, and make a promise you're willing to keep about never using his answers in any future argument. I think if you go about this the right way, you can get what you need.
2007-10-29 07:55:17 · answer #1 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you have to be very very strong to make things work after he has been with someone else even while you guys were on a break [remember Friends? sorry! :)] Anyways, I am the same way, I would have to know where, how, when, was it good, how long, how many times, all of the details or it would drive me nuts. Maybe you two should try counseling, even though you've agreed to start with a clean slate, if it's on your mind, things are going to be difficult. I wonder if he would be okay with it if you would have slept with someone else while you two were apart? I don't think i could do it, but that's just me, i can be a very jealous person. I wish you the best of luck. Please make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons as well, you broke up for a reason right?
2007-10-29 07:53:25 · answer #2 · answered by jatay 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel, and reading your question made me realize how I was exactly that way.
Only a little different senario, no cheating either.
Honestly I talked to him, long long talk where I spilled out all of my insecurities. And he didn't acually give me intimate details, it was enough for me to spill out, (What I THOUGHT would have gone on, the worst.) He listened, was not judgemental, he reassured me. After some time passed, the hurt went away, it turned into, (his past) kind of like the girls he had sex with before we got together. I know he loves me, God knows we're meant for eachother.
Also with the on your bed thing...
I had the same thing, only with the Whole house, we were in a newer relationship at the time and it helped when I'd personalize the house a little more at a time, now we're building our own house... :D! So happy!
So for you, maybe, it's time for a new matress, bed? He loves you, he'll help you though it.
P.S. I looked her up on myspace too...
2007-10-29 08:41:52 · answer #3 · answered by Katrina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will never get over it and asking questions may help and may hurt. I've been in the same situation and its been almost a year now and still on my mind. I wonder about everything even when he goes somewhere and I'm not with him. Always doubting what he is doing. I asked every question there was to ask and now I wish I wouldn't have, I'm thinking what I don't know doesn't hurt. Now that I do know I'm sorry I asked. I will meet up with the crazed lunatic that messed up our life and I feel sorry for her when I do. Trust me I am still doing the same things that you are doing now. It's just never going to get out of your head and never stop bothering you. Good Luck
2007-10-29 07:57:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
No your'e not going crazy, my ex left me 4 weeks ago, i found his girl on my space, what a nerd, he could have done better. He is 42 she is 27 trailer trash, I am a bit disappointed. I even drove by his new house how pathetic? /they both cable guys for knology.
I understand, we have to find out if she looks better than us, this thought will beat you to the ground! What is sure is that this bi... has no class, so back to your problem.My ex cheated on me so your a.. of a husband will do it again, yes when the going gets tuff they find someone to sc...
You can never trust this loser again, in your bed!!!!!
Sorry piece of s.... excuse my language actually I am a registered nurse, and you know they don't talk like that.
Don't ask him try to shut your brain off when it starts thinking OK.
Sit back (if you want him to have another chance) watch that sob annalys your feelings, keep your eyes open talk to nice guys and one day you can walk away and leave all this BS behind you.
When that day comes I will be proud of you.
I still think of my ex 24/7 we were toghether for 7 years I hope and pray it will stop soon.
Life is to short. Now If I only could listen to my own words.
Good Luck sending my love.
2007-10-29 08:04:50 · answer #5 · answered by maria s 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No its normal to feel that way. You think of him as "your property", and someone was trespassing. If you're getting back together and clearing the slate, then just try to let it go. He didnt cheat on you, sex can just be simple, it was probably just a fling if he's getting back with you. If you really cant stop thinking about it, just let him know you simply need to talk about it before you can move on, if he wants to be with you, then he'll do it, but dont get angry at him or yell at him about it, thats just not fair.
2007-10-29 07:52:06 · answer #6 · answered by chevalrose 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
no, you are being a curious woman. not a bad one, just curious as to what he could see in her and then come back to you.
my wife asks me about previous lovers all the time. she is curious too but she gives me a hard time about it at the same time. I was in the military and had a wife that hated sex so I found a lot of partners when I was gone from home.
if you want to know how many, just ask. IM would be better.
you can ask him. but space it out a bit.
2007-10-29 09:37:15 · answer #7 · answered by old-softy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not necessarily rediculous, but unrealistic. if the 2 of you were separated why wouldn't either get lucky. why did the 2 of you discuss those matters from the separation period?
Some may say it was bad form to have another in 'your' bed, but that where he was living. there should be some counseling incorporated in the reunification. there likely won't be any 'clean' slate since your are hurt by his sexual activity during the split.
2007-10-29 08:04:23 · answer #8 · answered by Voice of Reason 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are saying. I get like that sometimes about my husbands ex-girlfriends. He has never cheated on me, but sometimes I just NEED to know what they looked like or who they were. It's really kinda stupid. I believe that if it really bothers you that bad that you should ask him about her. I would just make sure that you both understand why you need to know and that he knows that you are not interrogating him. Since you agreed to wipe the slate clean, you have a right to know, but you should be very aware that digging deep might ruin that clean slate decision that you have made. Sometimes people dig so far that they can't get out of the hole. Be prepared that what you find could lead to the end..for good.
2007-10-29 07:55:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well you were separated...but if you can't get over it and that is all you are going to think about and it is going to drive you crazy, is it worth forcing yourself to live with these thoughts or should you just move on...without him??? I would have the same issues, I was married and my husband slept with my best friend, he wanted to work things out but I knew in my heart that I would NEVER be able to think about anything else and it wouldn't be fair to myself or him if I tried to hide those feelings, things just wouldn't be the same and I didn't want to live the rest of my life not truly happy....So I ended our marriage and 5 years later I am remarried to a man that respects me and our marriage, Really think about what you want to handle and is it worth the heart ache???
2007-10-29 07:58:09 · answer #10 · answered by imalwysrite 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋