My husband cheated!!?

Question

My husband and I have been having some troubles lately, we have been married for 9 years. A few weeks back we had a huge fight and he took off for the weekend. Let me explain it was my fault for the fight I kept a bill of mine from him and he found out and was very upset. He returned and we talked everything over and decided to try again. Now I have recently confirmed that during my husband weekend getaway he met another woman. I found out that he has been talking to her and they have been sending explicit photos of each other via cell phone. I confronted him and he said that he did meet her (let me add that she lives about 6 hours away from us) and that they did not have sex, they are only friends, ya right.
We are still living together and I am not sure what to do. Any suggestions? Anyone stay together after finding out that their spouse cheated and it actually worked. I would love to hear your stories and advice. You can also email me privately via Yahoo answers. Thanks!

Just to add some details...my husband took off to visit his cousin who lives 6 hours away. He met the girl there, probably was a set up. Another point is she looks a lot older than him. I'm quite disguisted...

Answer 1

4 months ago the same thing happened to me. I have been married 39 years. To say this was a shock, isn't even close. My womanly intuitions started seeing red flags, and so I started checking things. Men aren't to smart when it comes to cheating, so he left a trail of cell phone calls, resturant bills, etc. I found out her name and confronted him. He just kept denying everything, until he knew there was no way out. He gave me the typical reasons, not happy, no communication, etc, etc. I have loved this man for most of my life. He has always given me everything I wanted. Always supported me in anything I needed. We have always been best of friends, and do everything together. He is kind by nature, very giving and understanding, and one of the nicest people you could ever know. When I found out, it was as if I'd never known him. He was no longer the man I knew, and my world was shattered. Along with that, went my trust in him, my security, and in came the anger, jealousy, shock, torment of thinking of the 2 of them together, and a whole list of god awful feelings I have never felt before.
I wasn't sure whether to stay with him or not. He has pleaded and pleaded with me to stay. He's apologized over and over, and says he was an asshole, and f----d up! I decided to tell him to leave. After 1 month, we missed each other terribly. I allowed him back home, but he doesn't know a few things. I found out his e-mail password, and have installed a recorder in his car. So far, he has done nothing to arouse my suspicions.
I have always believed that people make mistakes. I am willing to allow one, and one only! I am trying very hard to forgive him, but I will never forget. If anything should happen in the future, he will be out of my life for good. What I'm trying to say, is that if the love is there, and he is truly sorry, you should try to work it out. It's difficult, and counseling is a must! You have a history with this man, and providing he has not been abusive, and a good husband until this event, you owe it to each other to try. It's very easy to say get the hell out, and it's very hard to try to work it out. It seems today, most people take the easy way out, only to get into other relationships which usually don't work out either. If you truly love each other, and you both know you couldn't stand to be apart, then you need to give it a try. If it fails, at least you know that you gave your marriage a chance, and you found out it couldn't be worked out.
It hasn't been easy for me, but in some ways it has actually made our marriage and relationship better. We are closer than ever before, and we really listen to one another. We now appreciate each other much more. I have realized some areas where I needed to improve, and so has he. I will continue to work at it, deal with the ugly feelings it has left in side of me, and try to regain the trust and security I once had. I know in my case, I made the right decision. What the future holds is uncertain. But, I can't throw it all away without giving it a chance. You know in your heart whether it's worth trying to work out, or not. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

If you can sincerely forgive him, if he sincerely regrets his actions, if the love is there from both of you, if 100% efforts are there from the two of you @ 100% of the time, and if you both want it.......it is possible to stay together and it work! BUT....you have to have all of the above mentioned....if not more! (Letting go of this friend may help, but this should be discussed and determined by both of you) I personally would feel like crap if someone cheated on me. There are too many diseased out there for me to take that chance. I personally feel if they do it once, I'll always wonder if they will do it again. This means I would not be able to fully trust them, and I can't be with someone I can't trust. It wouldn't be fair to me to subject myself to wonder all the time of what he is doing when I ain't around. It also isn't fair to him for me to make accusations or constantly ? his every move and where abouts. So for less drama for the two of us, I'd just go my own way. This is just me though. I know this can be a very difficult time for you, considering the time already invested. Some couples just face these crazy scenerios and it truly only be a one time mistake. Considering this is the first in 9years, I'd say your situation has a high chance of being in that category. However, I do notice your sarcasm in believing his story. I see you say he admitted to visiting her, this is a plus. On the other hand the pictures and 6 hour drive would lead me to the same sarcasm. If I were you I would just be very observant to his actions and words. I would also conversate to establish what level you both are on, so you can decide together where things go from here, such as, if any of the first mentioned items to my answer, fit your scenerio for remedy. Good Luck and God Bless. I hope my answer sheds some light, considering that I speak from the heart and experience.

Answer 3

Honestly I cant say I've had experience with this, but common sense says that yes, he is cheating. I dont care if sex is involved or not, cheating is still cheating.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is what YOU want. Do you think you would be able to move on and forgive and forget? Woudl counseling help? Are you both willing to move past this and start fresh again? Sometimes its much easier said than done- sometimes you find you just dont have one more 'fresh start' in you.
One thing that I know a lot of people overlook is whether or not you would be able to trust him again. When he goes out with the guys on some random weekend, are you going to know that he is with the guys?
Or are you better off alone?
I've known several friends who try to "make it work: only to realize that a leopard never changes its spots. Very true in most cases, but only you know him and how the relationship works.
In any case, good luck and take care of yourself first!

Answer 4

Ouch!!! That hurts. Is it the first time you've found out he's cheated? wake up hun, the urge has been there all the time, he just needed an incident to act on it.
Well, mine was cheating when we were dating and after marriage (don't ask why i still married him) he hasn't changed!! Just changed the way he does it. You see, its his behaviour that brought me here. You will try and forgive but once you loose the trust, you've had it. You will ALWAYS wonder what he's been up to when he's with you and when he's away. For nine years i think you are really deep into it.
I don't know how strong you are emotionally, but chances are that he will probably do it again at the next opportunity (upset).
Men that do things and claim its b'cos they were upset or unhappy at home? better run. fast. (look who's talking, i'm still here) I chose to stay for the children and love and family and........... you know? the weak woman bull****. I haven't got the guts 'cos I know that if irrespective of the love i have for him and treat him, he still has eyes and energy for s'one else, who is this angel i'm going to meet out there?
Most men are the same dear. Stay and prepare for more bouts of cheating or................. i am scared of that word! sorry i can't say it. If you are prepared to stay single, then leave this one otherwise stay and make ammends 'cos they are all the same. It only takes time b'4 the real them shows.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear that your husband cheated. That is some heavy information to digest. Its hard to know what someone is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes, but I can say from experience - not a husband, a long-term boyfriend - that it will never be the same between you guys. Regardless if he slept with her or not, it shows that he has no respect for you and without respect, you have nothing. I have heard guys say that when they cheat on someone and they stick around, it's hard to respect them because they don't have enough regard to respect themselves. It seems that there are some underlying issues here - I can't imagine that a hidden bill, while not ok, would justify someone taking off for the weekend!! What kind of "friend" has to be kept a secret - and what kind of "friend" sends explicit photos of herself? I think you should show him the door - and get yourself a Dr's appt to make sure you are clean!

Answer 6

Despite who's fault the argument was, there is no room for a husband to send explicit photos of himself to another woman. Regardless if it is in a marriage or in a budding relationship, that act implants doubt and distrust. Take a stand and tell him to stop communicating with that woman. Under no circumstance should YOU be the one to deal with the other person yourself.

This is a test for him. If your husband values your marriage and relationship, he'll close out the issue himself. Even if he does, take some time to consider if this marriage is still healthy for YOU. If he does not stop communicating with this woman, then you have his answer. If you stay together, expect similar actions will come in the future when both of you ever argue again.

Nine years is a long investment in a relationship. However, 30 additional years of distrust and unease would be a far more dangerous risk for your emotional and mental health.

If anything, ask yourself:

If I had a daughter in a similar situation and she asked me for guidance, what would I want her to do?

Answer 7

Hellooo, I was in the same boat as just let your self now that he did have sex with her and it doen't matter if he did it 6 hours away from or anything lie that the thing is he cheated and it is not right he is garbage a has no righ to be with you a man like this does not deserve a womenn like you let him know that it was your fault. Know he is telling you he had an affair well I can not tell you to leave him my husband cheated on me and took a vedio of it like a porn movie and I saw it and reliazed that it was him. It hurt as I know this hurts you alot but you can not do anything what is done is done. If you love him forgive but I assure you you will never forget he is a loser fo doing this to you leave if you feel you need to if not go to consueling but you will never be able to trut him and it will go down hill I remember what my husbadn did nto be everyday and sometime I wsh I was not with him but what gives me hope and happiness is my 4 wonderfukl kids.

Answer 8

wow, this is tough, first of all i would want to see proof that he never slept with her. a phone call in front of me on speaker would be the least i would expect him to do. hardly anyone would admit to having sex, so you really cant be sure, especially if he say there are "friends" but exchanged nasty pics. never done that with a friend before and that's a huge sign he is lying already. on top of that he went to see a woman that lives 6 hours away and nothing happened? sure he drove there (or she to him) out of friendship? the whole argument with you looks more like a set up to finally meet someone, sorry that's the impression i get, because over a bill to date another woman is kinda hardcore and quick. all sounds shady to me.
wish you best of luck, will take a whole lot to get that trust back if i was you, probably never.

Answer 9

So why would it be important to prove infidelity just to get divorced? If he provides financial security now, then a judge would expect him to provide that after divorce. My feeling is he doesn't have a job and neither do you. He leaves for weeks and doesn't even call home to check on the kids? Great Dad you chose for your children. Call it quits and focus on yourself and your children. File for divorce so you can get an order for child support for the kids and you can start getting your life back on track. Who cares if he's a cheater. He's obviously not a good husband or a good father. Don't waste any more time.

Answer 10

First thing this is not all your fault. You are sounding like you are blaming yourself for this stop. There are two of you in this relationship. Second if he is talking to this other woman just get her number and confront her. He might be keeping her in the dark also. We men can be complete idiots sometimes so if you think he is worth it fight for him go to counseling and try and work it out. If not then don't drag it out it is a lot worse the longer it takes to realize things are not working. If you want to talk from a mans point of view let me know.